what is grace anyway?

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.
-Gal 5:13

I love this verse. I love it because it taught me a very valuable lesson.

I grew up thinking that churches suck. God is good, men are hypocrites. And in a way, sadly, I was right. Many times, Christians do not live up to the Christ they follow. Because of that, I did (and still do sometimes) have a hard time calling myself a Christian. I do not want to be one of those people with the Jesus sticker on their car who flips off the guy who is driving too slow.

Anyway. I found myself going from one extreme to the other. I didn't want to suck. I wanted to be good. I would strive to be good, to be the girl I was supposed to be. I didn't want to disappoint Him.

But here's the deal kids: we do not have the power to take ourselves out of the love of God. You don't even have to believe in God for Him to love you. I mean, He kind of is love. That's just how He rolls.

So then I had this beautiful revelation of grace - this love that we do not deserve, but that we are entitled to just for being the children of God, followers of Christ. Because in case you don't know about this Jesus dude, He is actually God who came down as man and said "Hey, I know there is this law that says if you sin against God, you have to be removed from Him, which is the equivalent of death, but God doesn't like being away from you. So, what I'm gonna do is take your place. If you will just accept me and this sacrifice I am making for you, you will never have to be removed from God. He can be with you always."

Awesome deal right? Yes. So Jesus dies and leaves His spirit to take His place and give us guidance...but then we start going to extremes again. We say, "Sweet, we can do whatever we want and know that we are forgiven because we can just pull the Jesus card and be forgiven! Yay for grace!"

Well crap, that can't be right either. Grace can't be an excuse to do whatever you want.

You see, the thing that really happened when Jesus came down and took our place was this: He opened up the door and allowed you to know God more intimately by leaving us all with the Holy Spirit which He left when his body died. Grace does not mean the law does not exist, it just means that the law is now "written on our hearts" (check out Jeremiah 31:31-34 and 2 Cor 3). We can know God (to a certain extent) and if we know Him, we can love Him. And if we love Him, we obey Him. Because to obey the Lord of creation is GOOD.

Am I making sense here? Grace does not entitle us to do what we want, it just gives us the freedom to know God and to love love love. Because that is why we are here. To love.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." -2 Cor 3:17-18

Churches don't have to suck. Yeah we are human and we mess up, and grace does say that we are forgiven, that we are not bound by rules and legalistic attidudes (i.e. like the Pharisees), but what the Lord says is still true too. He is still God. And we still need to love Him. And to love Him is to love His people, His children - who also happen to be your brothers and sisters if you think about it. Let's be a family again guys.


Love,
Jessi

meet me in montauk.

Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Surely you have. Ok well since that movie I have always wanted to visit this little place called Montauk. It's a beach town on the tip of Long Island. In the movie, the main characters meet in Montauk and there's snow and it's just beautiful. I finally got to go! I brought along my trusty holga with a roll of slide film (I got it cross processed - hence the funky colors on some of them) and a roll of 15-year-expired film that Stephen and I found in an abandoned house. Yeah. Awesome. (The ones with the black borders are the expired film; the ones that have the Fuji negative borders are the cross processed chrome film.)

I went with my friends Stephen, Taylor, Philip, and my new roommate Mandy. The beach still had some snow on it, and around the bend there was a rocky shoreline with even more snow - so beautiful!

Then of course we found a little frozen puddle/pond (did I mention it was freezing! seriously, like 3 degrees or something) and we did a little ice skating. Or sliding rather. I just kind of scooted though (awesome video of this here).

And then my favorite part - the lighthouse!

This was seriously such a fun trip. Thanks to this guy for scanning and editing my film. (You can see more awesome photos by following that link as well :) )

It is good to spend good time with good friends. Take more time to do that.

Love,
Jessi

hurting those you love the most.

Do you do this too? Why?

I find it so much easier to hurt the people I love the most. How silly that it's the people I would gladly give my life for are the ones who receive my wrath more often than anyone else - or instead of anyone else.

I guess I assume they will always forgive me? But even so, why hurt them? When you love someone, aren't you supposed to will their highest good, and then help them achieve that good? So why instead do I insist on speaking out of anger and saying whatever it is that I am thinking when I KNOW it will hurt this person deeply? That is not love my friends. Not love.

But really is it just me or is anyone out there feeling like me too? Do I have another broken piece in my brain that forgets to tell me when I am saying awful things that no one should have to hear, especially the person that I love and who somehow loves me too even though I am the way that I am. I mean if anything, that person is demonstrating true love - being able to forgive constantly and love unconditionally. That's what Jesus teaches after all.

Ok I'm just ranting now. I just want to know how to fix it. I do not want to be the greatest source of pain for someone to whom I am supposed to be the greatest source of joy (second to the Lord, of course). But this is like a life-long struggle. So what do I do?

In the city.

Ok kids, it's time for the big update from New York! I am just now getting internet access, so sorry for the delay in communication.

I am living in this adorable apartment in Riverdale (SW Bronx) - pics coming soon - and I love it. For you Birminghamians, think Highlands area except New York style. A few blocks walk will take you to a "downtown" area where you can find a grocery store, CVS, and every type of ethnic food I could need (Mexican, Thai, Japanese, Sushi, Chinese, Italian, etc) all on one street!! Add streets of gold and I'm sure this is what heaven must be like.

I started my first week of work as well. I still don't have a desk or anything, but I've been getting acquainted with the people around me and what I'll be doing. Yeah I'm gonna be busy. Stephen, Taylor and 2 others are working on expanding the media for the missions department of Times Square Church. I am working as the "Project Manager" and will be connecting the missions logistic-heads with the media creative-heads. I am looking forward to being in a place where God has given me the skills to excel and be challenged at the same time.



I can't wait to share my stories with you! Stay tunes for more updates and lovely NY photos! (To see more of Stephen's photos, click here.)

love, jessi

And then there's that.

There is so much going on right now. SO much. And you know, I would really like to share those things with you, but I just don't even know where to start.

Ok let's start here. My good friend Roger is in Haiti right now. He landed in Port Au Prince hours before the earthquake hit. I can't be worried. We haven't heard anything from him, but I cannot worry. It just isn't in me. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but I literally don't even think there is a reason to worry. Is there something wrong with me? Is it a defense mechanism my heart puts up so that I don't have to think about the unimaginable? I dunno, but it's working.

He's probably there entertaining the scared kids. That is what he does, what he's good at. That's what he is there for anyway. To serve the people, especially the kids. Maybe his timing was, in fact, perfect. I just wish he could call us to let us know that.

And then there's New York. Did I tell you I was moving to New York? Yeah, on Saturday. This Saturday. Crazy. But again, no worry or apprehension, it's just right. It's normal, natural. I think maybe I am broken.

I mean I am human right?!? Isn't it our job to worry like all the time? Ok, I know it is good not to worry, that God calls us not to worry even, but is that ever really possible? What does it mean if you don't ever worry? Does that mean I don't care as much as other people? It's kinda starting to freak me out man.

On a side note, That 70s Show makes me feel better about life. If you are having a bad day, just watch the whole first season. No worries there for sure.

p.s. I just realized I am starting to worry about never worrying. Maybe I am human after all.

Oh forgetful heart

You know, your heart will forget things if you let it. Time may heal a broken one, to some extent, but it also may make the good times a bit foggy. Or make you forget why it wasn't right in the first place. Love forgotten is never good, no matter how it turned out in the end.

But as I have learned, forgetting is a whole lot easier than letting go. That part takes more strength than I have yet to know. To let go but not forget. That is so important if you ever want to learn from this. At the same time, love is not some evil thing put in this world to teach you a lesson. You are better because of it. And it is good to let go and not forget; love taught you that.

Because love, at least in the small way that I have known it, does not refuse to do good. And while love does not guarantee a happy heart, it does guarantee a good one.

Let's at least remember that.

Engagement Pics!

Yeah not mine :)

I had the honor of shooting an Engagement Session for my good friends Erin and Jonathan. Aren't they cute?!? Here are some of my faves:

Congratulations Jonathan and Erin! To see the full shoot, click here.

Choice and Fate

The debate on choice versus fate is as old as time. I hate making decisions and so the two have really meant the same thing to me - you can choose whatever you want, but what is meant to be will be. That's the safe answer, the easy answer, but is it truth? Or can our choices change our fate? What is fate anyway?

What about phrases like "I was meant to do this" or "They were meant to be together"? If that person had chosen differently then they would have been meant to do something else or be with someone else. So whatever we choose, that is what we were meant for?

That terrifies me.

Like I said, I hate making decisions. I avoid them at all costs. I don't make plans until the day of. I commit to nothing. Can we say issues?

So much seems to ride on every choice that we make. Our lifestyle, our career choice, our soulmate - we must make those decisions. And those are freakin big decisions.

I think this recent freak out moment comes due to my recent birthday. The big 2-5. Quarter of a freakin century. My choices really mean something now. I guess they always have, but they seem to have so much more weight now. Turns out growing up is tough junk.

So how do I know if I am making the right decision? How do I know that the right choice is still yet to come? What if I want this now, but it's only a want, and not right? How do I know what's really truly right? I want to trust that the Lord has my junk under control. But sweet mercy, He still makes me make the choice.

My analytical skills obviously get in my way sometimes. I should just go where my heart takes me right? Because if my heart is in God's heart, then my wants are His wants. Right?!?

This is too much to think about at midnight. I just want to make good choices. And I want to know that I've made good choices.

A very good friend told me that sometimes you just have to make a choice and then own it. Maybe that's the key. You make a choice and own that choice and it will be blessed. I believe that God is big enough to bless the choices that we make even if we don't make great ones. I do believe that. At least I believe that.