dumper's remorse

is an evil thing. maybe this is too soon, but what the hay, i'm trying to let go of my pride.

here is what i have learned over the last few weeks. being the dumper in a serious relationship sucks for the obvious reasons - you have to break someone's heart, yada yada. but what people never seem to talk about is the real hurt - the part where he gets over you.

now, as the dumper that's really all you want in the beginning. you want him to move on, date someone else - STOP CALLING YOU for pete's sake. it's over, it's been over, it's done.

but then it's a few months later, and he's dating someone else. and she's pretty.

who said she could be pretty?
and wait, why haven't you called me today?

i mean really, no one ever told me that the dumper has to go through it all over again when the dumpee moves on. no one. so that is why i am here today my friends. GET READY. it blows.

now i'm thinking that surely it is normal for a dumper to have doubts about the dump when the dumpee decides to move on. because when a dumpee moves on, they pretty much die in the dumper's eyes. i mean literally, it feels like he died or something. you think you hate the way he still looks at you, the way he hugs you, the way he calls you and compliments you. just wait until he stops. if i had nads, this is probably what it would feel like to get kicked in them.

ugh, how incredibly selfish i am. are all dumpers like this? was there this strange upheaval in your world when your ex got over you?

of course, considering my ex is probably the only person who reads my blog i may never know. no wait - does he even read my blog anymore?!?

but you know, i am so glad to feel something. even if it feels like my guts are being sucked through a crazy straw, it is so good to know that i'm not a total heartless female dog. and so good to know that he is ok. and that i am going to be ok. because this is the way it was supposed to be all along. we needed this. as it turns out, i needed this more than he did.

and finally, there's closure.


  1. Some of my exes have actually had the nerve to get married and birth babies.


  2. trying photographing weddings for a living with your ex...

    double boo.

  3. i cried so hard the first time aj moved on caroline thought i came into the room sobbing because someone down the hall had died. now i'm going to his wedding and suggested to his fiance that you guys photograph it: with a thankful heart. this too shall pass my beautiful friend.

  4. thank you love :)

    p.s. am i going to see you saturday?

  5. p.s.s. i just needed to let you know that the word verification google just gave me was "nomen"


  6. OMG!!! you just described exactly what happened to me last month!! I dumped my bf who wanted to marry me..he loved me but I never felt the same towards him..I broke up with him a few times, but then we got back together again till last month when I went back home for 45 days..I totally forgot about him and after I came back I told him that there was no us anymore..We are done. Finally he accepted it and we moved on..a week later I heard that he was dating another girl who happened to be from the same country I am from and is v pretty!! this shocked me to death..all sudden he stopped all the contact with me I feel I am being betrayed (although not), jealousy, guilt, loneliness, and the sense of loss is all I feel at the moment. his new “IRANIAN” date shocked me..it made me think again of my decision and reiterate the past..but the thing is that I don’t fully remember the bad moments and negative feelings I had towards him at the time..now I only remember the good times we had together.. I feel I have lost something that will never ever happen to me again. I feel I am being forgotten and replaced with another girl..who is IRANIAN..and pretty...and since that time he totally stopped chasing me..he completely moved on...he started a new life..with happiness..and now I am still v single and v v alone.. I don’t hear anything him you these days..he is busy with his new love and I am still waiting a sms from him..Still waiting to be loved and adored... I am being replaced and that is killing me. My feelings don’t understand the logic...They don’t understand it was me who caused this...it was me who ended this...it was me who pushed him away... I am very sad, and very upset. I don’t remember if I have ever been so upset...well maybe I have but not for so long...It feels like my heart is being exploded and my whole being is being eaten deep from within.

  7. Hey! Reading your post made me almost cry! No kidding! My 6 year ex left me 3 months ago jumping into another relationship right away! After a month of no contact He called once, told me lies about leaving her, he emailed me once, he wanted to talk about our past and see what happens... but I stopped all these saying "I cannot talk about us while you are with someone else!". That was it! We haven't talked since. It's 20 days now!!! I don't know what to wish for him. On the one hand I want him to feel bad on the other hand I want to let go...

  8. Typical female nonsense. You women never know when you have a good thing, always looking for something better. Joke. I don't feel sorry for any of you in the above stated position. You know why you feel bad? You made the wrong choice. You walked out of his life. You ended all the good things you now miss ... you have nobody to blame but yourself. Why do women equate being treated with respect as a sign of weakness? Go on, go find yourself a jerk you can fall-all-over, go find yourself a project worth fixing. Exhausting. I feel no sympathy for any of you ... you screwed up, big time, now you have to deal with your obvious mistake. I hope the guy mentioned above moves on and keeps moving on. Good luck, man. To the second-guessing women, how typical. Deal with it.

  9. This is not "typical female nonsense." Ladies: regardless of the dumper's remorse (I am currently suffering) we had reasons for ending our relationships. This is what I keep telling myself and it IS true. It is only natural for us to freak out on that first lonely night, or on an occasion that we'd normally have spent with him. I recently celebrated my bday without him, for the first time in 6 years.I spent most of the day in tears. I wanted him to call. I have been doing a lot of writing lately. I would advise it to any of you, if you find writing therapeutic. Make a list of all of the good things you miss. It will hurt. Then make a list of what you won't miss. The most annoying things about him. Times that he MADE you cry. Times he hurt your feelings, got drunk and said cruel things then didn't remember them. You DO have those memories, you just aren't remembering them right now because this is scary - this change. Change is hard, but often, it ends up being a beautiful, exciting thing.
    It has been one 1 month since my split and while I felt strong and confident with my decision at first, the regret came within a few weeks. Did I throw away the best thing I ever had? No. Maybe it was the best thing up until now, but not the best thing for ME. Talk to your friends who you surely discussed your breakup plan with before. I'm sure you expressed legitimate, real concerns about your relationship that warranted "the talk" with your man. Your friends will be good reinforces of those reasons. It's going to get better for all of us.
    If things are meant to be with me and my ex, or you and your ex, then they will. As cliche as it sounds, I think everything DOES happen for a reason. For instance, this was the second try on this relationship for me. We'd been together almost 5 years, had been having some arguments, and he dumped me (via short phone call) out of the blue, rather than discussing what was causing our problems. It was the most devastating thing that had happened to me! Regardless of this awful breakup and some of the horrible things that had happened in our relationship (drinking problems, disrespectful remarks, no desire to talk about long-term commitment, making me a 2nd priority, etc), all I could think of were the things about him that were unique, unique to our relationship, the things that made me laugh that I felt I wouldn't find anywhere else. Inside jokes. I got into therapy and though it took a long time, I started to figure myself out. I had to – to figure out who I was without him. And I started to like that person and gain back self-confidence I didn't realize I lost. Then, just when I thought I had a handle on "me," he came back and wanted to try again. I jumped into it without much thought. Come to realize, the "me" I'd become didn't really fit with him. I'd become really independent and didn't want to do much with him. Didn't really tell a lot of people we were back together because I knew many would disapprove after the pain I'd been through. I had a life of my own that I wasn't sure I wanted to share. It's almost like I knew from the start of "the 2nd try" that it wouldn't really work, but I tried anyway and enjoyed having him around, although it ended up feeling more like a friendship and I always felt like a stifled version of "me" with him. Point being: I think that we broke up so that I could find myself. We got back together so that I could realize I liked that person I'd become/rediscovered and maybe there was actually a better match for me out there. I went back to school and took up hobbies I'd never even thought to try in the time we were apart. I really bettered myself.

  10. Part 2 of above post (sorry I wrote too much but it all goes together) :)

    The 2nd breakup was instigated by me, hence the dumper's remorse. Once I broached the subject, he immediately told me that he wanted us to get married and have a future and be together forever. It was stuff I wanted to hear years ago and completely blurred my perspective on the real reasons I wanted us to be apart (no intimacy, we never argued because we never talked about anything real, if we did argue he had a horrible temper, still the drinking, he wasn't understanding of my anxiety). We stuck it out for a few weeks until I went on a trip with friends and didn't think about him the entire time. I didn't miss him or want him there. I felt like "me" again. I knew then that maybe it was time to end it. So I did. And as I said earlier, I felt strong and confident about it, then the regret set in. ...because it's hard to deal with the change, the loneliness, I feel depressed and lack the desire to do stuff for me like I wanted to do before. I want to call him yet I resist the urge. Because someday, if we're meant to be then we will. But I feel like I won't know if that's right unless I try life on my own. Does that make sense to anyone? He's the only relationship I've ever had (and I'm 29). I feel like although most of my friends are settled down and married, I was not ready to think of that and wondered what more life had in store for me. I have no desire to date right now. I need to get out of this slump and start to like myself again first. I dread finding out that he's dating again, or that he's engaged or something. I think that no matter how awful breakup circumstances were, that is ALWAYS going to hurt.

    I'm sorry for rambling and if you read all of this then I appreciate you. I'm really glad I came across this, because I wanted to know if anyone felt this way... or has gotten through it. Really, I think the most important thing to remember if you experience the remorse is that you had reasons, good ones (unless this was just a crisis where you wanted to go sleep around or something) for ending the relationship. It's hard to let go. But I think this is normal and it will get better.

  11. So glad you told me your story. And it really isn't nonsense Mr. Whoever You Are. It was not meant to be, and I made the right choice. It did not end badly, it just ended, and then I lost my best friend. That's what sucked. My life completely changed. And I am very happy for him now. He is now married to a lovely girl, and obviously I made the right choice. But at the time, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't think it's wrong, and certainly isn't nonsense, to feel a loss when you lose someone you care about, even if it is your choice. It makes perfect sense. And the fact that this is my most popular post leads me to believe that I am not the only one who deals with it...

    1. But what I don't get is if you find that you are missing your best friend why break up to begin with? I mean why not make it work, compromise for God's sake! If a man who you were obviously attracted to treats you well and wants to build a life together then why break it apart? There is no perfect relationship but we make is perfect for us by the choices we make. My ex of three years loved me but broke up with me because she could not "fathum" the thought of marriage and not being able to escape if needed. Only to regret her decision when she realizes I am an awesome man and probably irreplaceable. Love is not just a feeling but an action and a choice to act. People (men and women both) walk away bc they loose that feeling but the feeling naturally waxes and wanes. Then the person who get dumped tries to talk and work things through to save the relationship but the dumber get annoyed and cuts the person out of their life. It's only when the dumpee finally moves that the dumper understands that ny their own hands they have lost the best thing that ever happened to them forever! They try to get it back but too late. It's all too sad but it it life.

  12. I get that. Love is a choice and so is falling in love. There is always a way. Especially when two people work together its always easier with support. But why do people who fall in love cant seem to stay in love? One person says "I choose me" it could be the dumper or the dumpee no matter. But after surviving a divorce and dealing with a recent breakup Im convinced if there ever is a other woman in my life shes gonna have to convince me to burn my boat, and convince me she knows love is an active day by day moment by moment choice. I only play for keeps, and after losing twice Im pretty sure I only have one more round left in me.