Please, one more person tell me about your high expectations for me. While your at it, please shoot me in the face.
You know what? I have no life goals. None. At least not right now. So please don't tell me how great I am, and what good I am going to do in this world, and what a wonderful person I am. It is just too much pressure. And I will fail. And I don't want to fail. Because I want to make you proud. I want everyone to like me, and I want everyone to be proud of me. And again, that is a lot of pressure.
I put on this whole thing about how I don't care what people think of me, but it just isn't true. It's not. I want you to like me. All of you. And when I tell you I don't care, it is a lie. I care a lot. And I try really hard. Like, really hard. To be good, to be pretty, to be like-able. To be happy. And when you have to try that hard, it makes you wonder if you really are those things.
And I don't want to have to wonder. Sweet Jesus, I am so tired of wondering all.the.time. What the hell am I doing here? I have done nothing. And I have nothing to do. Nothing to do and nothing to say. I am completely useless. I mean I know that isn't true, I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself or anything. But really, what am I doing? I work at the mall and I play with chickens at my parents' house. And watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager, which is a terrible show by the way, don't watch it. Ever. (I've watched 5 seasons of it - I would say I want those 60 hours of my life back, but I mean, what was I doing with my life anyway that would be any better?)
I had a plan. But then I shot it to hell. I mean it obviously wasn't the plan for me, so I guess that's ok. But I've never not had a plan before. I've had a plan since I was in kindergarten. WHO SAID MY PLAN WAS NOT GOING TO WORK? Cause I sure did not. It was supposed to work. I really really wanted it to work. I don't know how to do this thing without a plan. I feel like I'm not getting anything done. I have no list of things to do, nothing to check off to feel accomplished. And no motivation to make another list. I just want to live life, but then I bitch about the way I'm living. I am so annoying. I can barely handle being around myself these days.
Maybe someone really should shoot me in the face. Ha. That was a joke.
Ok. Enough. So how was your day?
Jessi Casara:
ReplyDeleteMy opinion of you doesn't matter. Though, I think you are THE most fabulous and shiny of God's creations. It's His opinion of you that matters. And He, well He loves with an unfailing love. He calls you blessed, praised, loved, adored, smart, beautiful, kind, good, controlled, gentle, wise, and productive.
You are most wonderfully and fearfully made and truly you blessed me so much and how you bless others is a huge accomplishment. Loving your neighbor is the greatest commandment and you have that one down. Sorry, it's our opinion of you.
You have the power to blossom and bear even richer and abundant fruit. It's the truth and I gotta tell you because I love you!
thanks joi :) p.s. i miss you.
ReplyDeletemiss you, too. Remember, You will never be more perfect in His eyes than you are at this moment. You have everything you need. He's just drawing you closer into Himself. He's just giving you a break. You have been through a lot.
ReplyDeleteGotta rest up until the next assignment..;-)Your quiet strength, obedience, faithfulness, and submission ensures you can and will be used by Him in a mighty way. Because though bruised your heart is willing.
Phil 4:13
I can't say it without sounding corny but I know what you mean. I moved half the length of New Zealand (Not that far in comparison to the USA I guess!) to study at university. I sat through 3 lectures and then promptly withdrew but am not moving back home. Why? It's wrong, its what other people want me to do but not what I want or what I think God wants!
ReplyDeleteI'm now an orderly at the hospital, pushing beds full of sick patients around the wards wondering what I want to do with my life. Each my week my Grandad calls me and asks the same question - "Now dear, have you sorted your life out yet?" and each week I sigh "No sorry Grandad, not yet. Soon I hope..."
I don't know what I want to do, I don't know what degree I want. I'm under pressure to decide and get into study quickly - I'm 23 now and its time to start my career!!
But in all of this I've found God more and more. He's given me hope. I'm strange in my parents eyes, they don't approve of my recent decisions and it makes no sense to them that I stay in this cold town but God approves of me and I've discovered that more and more.
I've decided I'm living to please Him and if I please other people in the process then that's a bonus. I still have to try not to care what they think sometimes but I'm caring more what God thinks now.
The scriptures I'm hanging onto in all of this are in 2 Chronicles 20.
"I do not know what to do but God, my eyes are upon you" v12
"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army! The battle is not yours but the Lords!"
They give me hope - expesally the first one. That's my heartbeat and my prayer almost all day.
Keep looking up Jessi - we're gonna win this battle and then won't it be glorious! :) xx
(P.S if you ever decided to come to New Zealand I know a girl that'd be your tour guide! There's lots of this sweet country I haven't even seen yet! ;)
PPS - How's this for a great quote :)
ReplyDeleteCourage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Ann Radmacher
So I'm going blog by blog and catching up from when I left off in October. Holy moly. Your wins the prize for most overwhelming. And I follow a blog where I'm pretty sure the writer shot someone in her family at Christmas.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. Praying God gives you a clearly marked road with GPS and a Flying J truck stop with the best fountain sodas ever mixed.
"...build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid flight." -Veronica A. Shoffstall
Thanks guys!
ReplyDeleteKR - I appreciate your encouragement, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. I think it's good you're doing what you're doing...I mean why waste time and money in school if you're just there to be there? I mean an education is wonderful, and I would encourage you to go back, but once you've figured out a little more about yourself and what you want to do, and what makes you happy. And I actually studied some in New Zealand too! But I would love to go back - we should definitely hang out if i do.
And Jamie, yes, a bit has happened since we last conversed. Just a bit :) I really am good though. I mean, the minor occasional panic attack may occur (hence above post), but all in all I feel pretty good. Prayers still welcome though. Thanks for that.
Love you guys.
Took the words right outta mouth! Loved this post! I am in the same boat...still very hazy on what the hell Im doing here! I have finally settled on my 3rd attempt at a degree...first time I dropped out after the first semester, 2nd qualification I completed but never put it to use and now Im in my 2nd year of a psychology degree...and Im loving it!So im holding thumbs I have finally found my way! I always have a plan. It always back fires, but I always have one! I guess I just keep planning in the hope that one day my plan will line up with God's plan and everything will finally work out! And I wont even touch on jobs, seriously I have had more than I care to mention...I get bored very easily and if the job has no meaning I just give it up! My philosophy is that of Viktor Frankl's - "Man's heart is restless unless he has found, and fulfilled, meaning and purpose in life" which is based on Faith "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1). It is the man or woman of faith that can in spite of all say yes to the meaning of life under all circumstances.
ReplyDeleteSo hang in there, sure good to know Im not the only lost soul screaming for a break! We'll get there, one day. So until then people, leave us alone! When I know what I want to do with my life, believe me you'll all know about it!! Haha anyway thats just my thought! Im new to the blogging world...cant wait to read more of your posts :)
dear jessi,
ReplyDeletejust wandered over from my blog...i can relate.
good luck, jessi. sometimes, it is when we let go of our plans, that His plan can take shape.
much love.
heart flower
it is a great start, your desire for a house in the country and an adoring husband.
ReplyDeletei wish you much love and luck and realizing your dream.
love.
Jessi, just out of curiosity... how old are you? Because you sound EXACTLY (and I mean EXACTLY) like me a few years back. Early 20s. Oh my goodness, I had these same feelings every day of my flippin' life... and I hated it. I STILL have these feelings from time to time (and I still hate it), but you'll get through it. This too shall pass. :) Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll figure it out. (Well, actually, it could take a while, because I'm STILL figuring it out, but pretty soon you won't feel so panicked and freaked out that you haven't figured it out yet. I don't think most of us figure it out until we're 40, at least.)
ReplyDeletethanks for the encouragement guys...and Sue, I'm 26. And I go through phases...I'll probably feel this way several more times throughout my life, but that's ok I guess, as long as I'm livin :)
ReplyDeleteJessi, THANK YOU for your raw honesty in this post. I can feel what you're saying, and you are so brave to be fully honest with yourself first of all, and then to share it. From here, you can rebuild for REAL when you're ready. And really, what's the rush? ;) Rushing / forcing doesn't work so well anyways. I love you and miss you.
ReplyDelete