to go or not to go

Oh what a predicament. I have been presented with the opportunity of a lifetime: to study abroad in New Zealand. Well, it isn't completely accurate to say I was presented with it. Its more like I wanted to go so I've been in the process of filling out paperwork, getting money, etc. I was so excited about it. Honestly I was so ready to get out of Auburn, to get out of my routine, and to try something new. I was going to live in New Zealand for four months, make wonderful friends, take wonderful pictures. But alas, it has turned out to be one of the most stressful choices of my life. I even have a fever blister now. I hate fever blisters. They hurt like the dickens. Yes I just wrote dickens. Back to the point, I barely have enough money to go and I do not want to be worrying about money the enntire time I'm there. Thats ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that when I get back I'll have to be working a lot to make up for it. I don't like that either. There's also this insurance problem...it won't be effective until July so I have to get Alfa to send me a letter in a couple of weeks when I get approved to say that i will be covered on such and such a date.
Another thing I don't like is that the entire reason I wanted to go isn't looking so appealing any more. I wanted to get out of Auburn and try something new, but when faced with the realization that I really won't be here for four months if I go, I feel uneasy. I don't really want to leave these people. Everything will be so different when I get back, and I won't be a part of it. Half of the people probably won't even know me.
But then again, I want to go. I want to live in another country and make new friends and take breathtaking pictures of God's creation. But it scares the hell out of me. Lets just be honest. I 'll be in a place I've never been before with people I've never met before, at a school that is very different from Auburn. I mean maybe the timing is off. Maybe I should just go there for a couple of weeks in the summer. That would save me money, i wouldn't have to work my butt off when I got back, and I would still get my adventure. Maybe I could also take that cross-country road trip I've been wanting to do. Not going really would allow me to do more things and have more time in the long run. And plus, I wouldn't have to worry so much about getting a full-time job to pay off all of the loans when I graduate...I could do more travelling then too.
But then would I regret not going for the rest of my life? I don't want any regrets. I want to live my life with boldness. I don't want to choose to stay because I'm too scared to choose to go. So do I go or not?


Jessi Casara

Some of you may be wondering where I got the name Casara. As most of you may have, or at least should have realized if you know me, is that my last name is not really Casara. It's actually a sort of nickname I picked up from my grandpa. Actually, I didn't call him grandpa, I called him Fred. Well, Fred was his name. I don't really remember much about Fred. He was my momma's daddy. He was a funny old man. He liked to play jokes. He liked to stick out his tongue. One of the few memories I have of him is how he used to sit on one of those plastic "doughnuts" for some reason unbenounced to me. I mean I was like seven years old. I didn't really care. But the two things I remember most about Fred are when he would recite the alphabet for me and when he would send me birthday cards. Silly memories, sure, but really, they can't be. Out of all of the memories, those are the ones engrained in my memory forever. I remember when Fred would call me on the phone and he would tell me how he had finally learned the alphabet and so he would proceed: acdfjgieusjdmbpgoiajzmncvx. I would be like no, no, no. Here's how it goes...and I would say my alphabet for him. He was so proud. Ok, by now I'm sure you've all been waiting with eager anticipation for my explanation of Casara. Well, it lies within my birthday card memory. Everytime I got a card from Fred it would be adressed to Jessi Casara Lambert (my real name is Jessica Sara Lambert). You see, my family calls me Jessi, and so he would say that when people were saying Jessica Sara, they were actually saying Jessi Casara, because Jessi is my name, not Jessica. That always stuck out in my mind for some reason. Recently I decided that if I were to ever finish writing my book or if were to ever cut a CD, I would go under the name Jessi Casara. I mean it even sounds like a cool-person name, doesn't it?



There are some things I will never understand. And I have to be okay with that. How annoying. I 'll be honest; I like to understand things. I would like to understand everything. Well, sometimes. But then sometimes I realize how utterly overwhelmed I would be if I actually did understand everything. Quite a conundrum. I love that word. (conundrum). By the way I'm not going to be grammatically correct with this whole blogging thing so if the previous sentence - if you can call it that- frustrated you, you'll just have to get over it.
Back to my point: life, I have discovered, should not only be lived, but also loved. A hard concept most of the time, but I truly believe it needs to be loved in order to be fully lived. Call me an optimist, but I think it can happen. Hence, that is my goal. I am writing (well attempting to write) a book entitled to grow to learn to love to live. It has some of my life story, things I've learned, mistakes I've made, etc. But the point I am trying to make is that you must grow to learn to love to live (hence the title - man I'm original). We'll see how it works out. Honestly, I'm still learning how to myself, but then again the best way to describe a process is to describe it step by step, and when better but while your going through each step yourself?