I signed up for OkCupid last night. That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom. Not that there's anything wrong with dating apps, I just always said I would never do it. "If I meet someone, I meet someone. I'm not gonna force it." I've always hated trying when it comes to stuff like that. I prefer things to happen naturally. I'm all about the story, and when I do fall in love, I would like to have a good story to tell. Blame the Disney movies if you want; I sure as hell do.
And to be clear, I'm really not even ready to date yet. I think I just needed a little pick-me-up, and I thought, what the hell, might as well try it and see what this is all about.
Filling in my profile was one of the most painful experiences of my life. And I say that while lying in bed with a pinched nerve that is leaving me unable to leave said bed.
Q: Write a self summary
A: I cannot believe I'm actually doing this.
Q: What are you doing with your life?
A: HOW ABOUT YOU STOP RUBBING IT IN I CAME HERE TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF
Q: What are you really good at?
A: Being awkward. Again, thanks for asking.
So I finish filling in these answers will all of my smart ass comments, kind of making a joke of the whole thing, because again, what am I even doing here? But people actually start messaging me. Like, immediately. And this is where the fun really starts.
"Hello gorgeous, I really liked what you said in your profile. We share a lot of interests..."
"You are gorgeous. Tex me."
"36 yer old guy mobile"
"I feel lonely tonight"
And the best one:
"Do u like ur pretty feet rubbed"
What in the actual f*** you guys.
It's not that I'm depressed really, or hell maybe I am. I'm just confused. This is not where I thought I would be...a thirty-something single gal with two spoiled dogs and a mortgage who is still paying off credit cards and student loans from a degree she never used. And is still trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up. Who signs up for an online dating app one night out of boredom and ends up feeling even more alone than she did before. I am like the real life Bridget Jones, karaoke drum solo and all.
Maybe I'm a pretentious bitch. I mean, it's possible. Like, if you say "tex" instead of "text" and "ur" instead of "your," chances are I'm going to laugh at you whilst swiping left. Because I say things like "whilst" and I don't need you in my life. And sure, compliments are great, but just telling me I'm pretty is not gonna do it for me. Like I'm gonna be all, "Oh my gosh, you think I'm pretty?!?! Done and done. Let's do it." I mean, for real though, what is wrong with people? And what does a girl gotta do to fall in love these days? And more importantly, why do I even care?!
I was so hopeful. I remember looking forward to who I was going to be, what I was going to do. I was passionate and driven and kind. For some reason, I think the world has made me ashamed of my inability to find someone to fall in love with, like you're supposed to do, and be successful, like you're supposed to be. And it's left me a little bitter. I feel like I'm doing the right things, but nothing is working out right. My relationships always fail and my businesses never pay the bills on time.
And don't tell me to pray. I do pray. And don't tell me to go to church, cause right now that's just depressing too. I'm surrounded by happy people with hot, doting husbands with their happy babies and I just want to tell them to suck it. Which, I know, is so wrong, cause church is supposed to be about God, and it is, cause God made hot, doting husbands who love their wives and babies and I'm just like, "WHY NOT ME, LORD?"
I mean this too shall pass. I'm just having a minute. Probably PMSing, because YES THAT'S A REAL THING. And also being bedridden makes me have to think and shit. I kind of already feel like the cantankerous old lady with her old-lady-moth-ball-smelling sweaters. It happens, I guess.
Maybe I should add that to my profile.
I am awkward, and I am smart, I am brutally honest, and I can be a sarcastic bitch at times.
Stop telling me that's not ok, world.