trusting without blessing.

I'm not sure if I really trust God. Is it ok to say that out loud? I mean I say that I do, and I feel like I do...but I dunno. I read this little excerpt on utmost.org this morning (devotional thing taken from Oswald Chamber's book "My Utmost for His Highest") and I think it's messed up my entire perspective on life.
How are we going to get a life that has no lust, no self-interest, and is not sensitive to the ridicule of others? How will we have the type of love that “is kind . . . is not provoked, [and] thinks no evil”? (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). The only way is by allowing nothing of the old life to remain, and by having only simple, perfect trust in God— such a trust that we no longer want God’s blessings, but only want God Himself.
I cannot imagine not wanting God's blessing, to be honest. I think that is part of what makes Him God to me, and that's a little scary. Because my whole point here in this little life of mine is to live a good life and to love people, but I need God to do that. Because He is the source of goodness and love. I at least know that much. But to only want Him? To want Him alone and none of the perks that come along with knowing Him? That's hard to swallow.

To have simple, perfect trust in God - such a trust that we no longer want God's blessing, but only want God Himself.

That is the mark of a totally surrendered, loving, unselfish person. It is. When we can do that, we can love. We can love because we don't want anything in return. We can be goodness. 

It's so funny that I am currently reading Job right now too. I mean this guy was totally devout. Totally trusted God. And then his home, his servants, his children and his health were taken from him. He no longer had any of the blessings of God. But God was still God. He is still the Creator of the universe. He is still the source of all things good and He, above all else, is holy and all deserving of praise. Even if we don't have breath in us to praise.

I'm really not sure if I could be like Job. And honestly, I really hope I never have to find out.


i am becoming a girl.

You know how when you get older you're supposed to mature and stuff - become a woman, etc? Yeah, not so much with me; at least, not anymore. I used to pride myself on not being much of a girly girl. I went through my "everything-has-to-be-pink" phase in high school when I wanted boys to like me (p.s., didn't work), but now I'm more of a tom-boy. My favorite color is green. I like to get sweaty and dirty after working in the yard all day (or at least, I think I do. I don't actually have a yard to speak of...) My point is, I keep telling everyone that I hate glittery, girly, froofy things. And then I started wedding planning.

Now I want tulle. And more tulle. I want ballgowns and ballet slippers and wildflowers and candlelight. The more froof the better. It's like I'm becoming that little girl again that just wanted to be a pretty princess when I grew up. It's true. I mean I seriously want my flower girls to look like this:

saddlerock ranch wedding
(Photo Credit: Picotte Photography via stylemepretty.com)

Heck, I want to look like that.

What has happened to me?!?