A little get up and go.

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.   - Ephesians 1:16-19

I needed a little get up and go this morning. I have been so tired, so burned out. So many things on my plate, but so much left I want to do. I needed hope, I needed refreshing. There is a purpose in what I am doing, or at least there can be if I choose to believe it. Live each day on purpose and with purpose. Have hope in Him, know Him, and believe Him when he says "You are ready."

Love,
Jessi

there is an ocean out there. and i'm gonna swim in it.

Hi.

Do you ever feel like you're drowning? Cause I do. Drowning in debt, drowning in work, drowning in love...

But I mean I know it's ok. I know it is. I'm not so far gone that I have lost hope in my ability to make it back up to the top. But it makes me wonder, because I know that not everyone has that hope. Not everyone has learned how to swim, how to get back up there, how to breathe. Not to say that I am the greatest swimmer. I mean, have you read my blog? I sink. A lot. And not just because I can't do it. Sometimes I just forget how important breathing is.


What if drowning is normal? Don't things just feel heavy sometimes? Like you could literally drown in your surroundings, in life? And not always in a bad way. Like sometimes I just love things so much I feel like I'm gonna explode. (Of course I may be a rare case. I mean, I cried at the end of Dark Knight Rises. Wept. I mean, come on. Alfred? Sweet old man. Kiss his frickin cheeks off.) And then there are of course the not-so-happy things that make me want to explode. Like being in debt for the last 5 years. Doesn't matter how much I pay, the next month I still owe the same. damn. amount.

Does everyone drown? And what if you can't swim?! Like at all? What happens to those people? Or what if you don't even know that you need to swim. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??


I dunno kids. I don't know about normal. All I know is there is an ocean out there. And it is full of monsters and pressures and beautiful things. And I want to swim in it. I want to explore the depths and face the monsters and feel the pressures - and then swim back up to the top, take in a big long breath, and do it all over again. Stronger this time.

I may need to borrow somebody's floaties for a while though. Hit me up if you have some.

Love,
Jessi

and then it gets better.

Hi friends, been a while, I know. I hope you don't think less of me. I've missed you, I really have. I think about you constantly. I haven't written in a few months, and I don't have a good excuse. I'm lazy. And I'm tired. That's all.

But things are getting better! I got a new job recently, which will hopefully help with the tired part. No more driving 30 minutes to work, and no more 40-50 hours a week at the mall! I am now the Admin Assistant for Chatham Design Group, which may not sound like much, but I love it. I get to help people find their dream home, which is something I am getting more and more interested in myself as I find myself growing up.

I also started dating my best friend, Gus. (Finally, I know.)

I mean, how pretty would our babies be?? GAH. I need a moment...

Ok, so yes, we've been dating for about 3 months now...and so far so good. I will say though, it's a little terrifying to date your best friend. Cause you know if it doesn't work out, you lose one of the most valuable things in your whole life. But then again, not being with him was so unnatural, it felt stupid. Plus, how great is it to be be with someone who actually understands you, who knows those parts of you that you don't even like, but then loves you anyway? Can't beat that. (Not to say we don't get in a few healthy arguments every once in a while...)

I think for pretty much all of last year I was trying really hard not to care. I just wanted to have fun and be free to do whatever I wanted to do, no feelings attached. And so I made some bad choices. None that I really regret though, to be honest, cause I think they taught me a valuable lesson: You are who you choose to be. And I was not choosing well.

This reminds me of my favorite book by John Steinbeck, East of Eden. One of the major themes is based on the word timshel, a hebrew word meaning "thou mayest." In the Old Testament it's used to say "thou mayest conquer sin." Not you can, you may. 

It is always your choice. You can be good, or you can be bad. That's pretty much what is comes down to. And my dear friends, there are already plenty of bad people in the world. Methinks we should try adding a few more to the good side. And not just for the sake of humanity even, but for the sake of He who created us to be better, to do good, to love all...because we are to be a reflection of Him. And I am so tired of us sucking that up. That's not fair. He's not like that, why should we be? Why should we make everyone else believe He is bad because we are acting that way?!

Let's choose to do some good today, because as another favorite author of mine once wrote, "...that has made all the difference."

Love,

Jessi

ok. let's think about what you've done.

Ah, reflection. Sucks doesn't it?


I think it's finally time, kids. Time for the quarter-life crisis. Oh that's supposed to happen when you turn twenty-five you say? Well, my life was awesome at twenty-five.


Life has its ups and downs, yes. Yes it does. But what do I do during the down time? I'm looking back at this last year of my life and there are few things I want to take from it. Few things I am proud of. That's a real first guys. I mean if I look at my first twenty-five years, I can honestly say I was proud overall. Maybe too proud. I mean I was valedictorian, went to college for something I loved and graduated Summa Cum Laude, then got not one but 3 jobs I adored helping people around the world. I went to 7 different countries, lived in one of them for a while, and got to make a difference in the lives of each one. Dudes, I lived in Harlem. Harlem.


Is it ok for me to say that I am terrified that the best years of my life are behind me?


Now surely that is not true. I am twenty-seven. God-willing, I have a good 50 years ahead of me, time to make a home and start a family, do some more good in the world. But right now it doesn't feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I moved back to my tiny hometown and I've spent the last year - 365 days - doing nothing but working a nowhere job at the mall and singing karaoke on Monday nights. Oh, and watching Netflix. So. much. Netflix.


Before last year, there were only two guys I had so much as held hands with. Now I've had dead-end relationships with guys I knew didn't give a shit and a handful of anonymous make-out sessions.


I stopped caring about myself somewhere.


It's like moving back home made me lose my direction. I can't remember my purpose, or if I even have one. I got a non-stressful, non-committal job on purpose. I date guys who don't love me on purpose. Because I am terrified if I do anything good on purpose, it'll be my fault when it fails. And I'm not sure I can handle another good thing failing on me.


There are so many beautiful things I want to do. But I have no idea how to do them.


Here's to hoping this year is better...


Love,
Jessi

i. am. so. bitter.

Like, if you bit into a lemonseed-stuffed olive and chased it with stale tonic, it still wouldn't come close to my level of utter disgusting bitterness.

I. do. not. like. it.

People make me maddddd. (Please read: Men make me madddddd.)

And that is not fair, I know. But why oh why do I keep getting so disappointed? Are my expectations too high? Am I being too dramatic? Do I over think things? Jump to conclusions? What is it?!? Surely you aren't all assholes. Surely. Right?

Is it too much to ask for a first kiss to be a first kiss? Is it ok that it does not lead to my horizontal orientation on your couch?

I'm sorry I feel like all I've been doing lately is complaining about the pathetic state of my love life. I do apologize. But it seems this year has just been the year for that. I sure do hope next year is better.

Here's my thing though...maybe you can relate. I love physical affection. It is my favorite. But it is also a big deal to me. Like, a really really really big deal. And although I have failed miserably at it, I truly believe that the level of physical intimacy in a relationship should match the level of emotional intimacy. Although I do it, I hate kissing people I'm not dating. I hate doing more than kissing with people I'm not dating. It makes me feel used and feel like I'm using the other person.

I have "saved myself" for marriage. That being said, I've done pretty much everything else. But here is what I hate: If I'm with a guy I like, but am not dating, and we start making out, and it leads to more than making out...you see where I'm going...what sucks is that when it's over it's like "Oh, well, there you go, I just gave you almost everything I can give you without being married to you...and we aren't even dating."

That makes me feel icky.

I want to build towards that. I want to feel safe with you first. I want to feel confident that you aren't just using me for this. I want what we are doing to be an accurate representation of how we feel about each other.

So far, I have not found anyone who is willing to wait for that. For me.

It makes me bitter. And it makes me take out my bitterness on all of mankind. I can't trust you if you even slightly resemble every other guy who has made me this way. I am sorry.

And of course, this thing is two sided. I do let it happen. I am to blame. But why, oh why, you dear little men, MUST YOU ALWAYS EXPECT US GIRLS TO TELL YOU WHEN TO STOP. Just. effing. don't. do. it.

I mean we are human. It feels good what you are doing there. It sure does. Sometimes it is difficult to tell you to stop. Especially if we like you. And want you to like us back.

So please, especially if you KNOW my background. If you KNOW my insecurities and my values...don't push me into something I'm not ready for. Don't be selfish. Care just a little. That's all I'm asking.

Love,

Jessi

i know you care.

I just hit 300 followers! Wahoo! Except I don't know who the f most of you are. Booo. So let's play a little game. I'm gonna ask 10 questions, that I'm sure you were dying to know about me, and then answer them.Then (here's the fun part) you comment back with the same 10 questions with your own answers! Aww, we're gonna be friends!

What do you want to be when you grow up (even if it's outside the realm of "the possible")? A mommy, writer, singer, friend, lover...not necessarily in that order.

What is the first thing you do when you get off work? Take off my pants. Duh.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Somewhere over the rainbow. Seems like a nice place.

If you could have any pet what would you have?  A unicorn. Again I say duh.

Name 3 things that scare you. a) Clowns b) Falling off a cliff c) Falling in love

Name 3 things that make you happy. a) Seahorses b) Seth Cohen c) Falling in love (yes, yes I am a box of contradictions. I'm a girl, it's my right.)

Name a memory that sticks out vividly in your mind. Does seeing the last Harry Potter count? Maybe not...how about my high school graduation. I vividly remember standing there after the ceremony and looking around at everyone hugging...and thinking "Holy shit I have to grow up now."

What are you most proud of? I honestly have no idea. Maybe that I've still got my V card? I know that sounds weird. But I'm really glad I can say that I've never given that part of me to someone who didn't love me or who I didn't love. I can still give that to my husband, and I will be able to say "Hey, I saved this for you. No one else got to have this, and I want you to have it forever." I like that. I want that. It has been a long 26 years though...

What do you most regret? Breaking someone's heart. I know how it feels now, and I am so so sorry I did it to someone else.

What would be your life's theme song? MMMBop. That pretty much says it all.

i mean they make insecticide, why not douchebagacide??

Why are people so effing mean? I can't get over it. How can you purposefully hurt someone? Ever? I literally don't comprehend this whole douchebag phenomenon. Maybe it's because I never really dated in high school or college, and the first guy I dated happened to be my best friend too, so I've been a bit sheltered. All this time I thought I was missing out on something fun, but dear sweet Lord, dating sucks.

It's like you take this thing, let's call it your HEART, and you let someone borrow it for a second, except he doesn't really care about it, cause well, he doesn't care about you (even though he tells you he does, let's call that LYING), and so he accidentally leaves it out in the rain and forgets about it. And so it rots and dies and becomes this black hard decaying thing. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

Except it does hurt. But it hurts so bad that you don't want it to hurt, so you pretend that it doesn't hurt. And you don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt you, cause that would just hurt even more. Especially since you know that you didn't have the ability to hurt him. And really you're glad you didn't hurt him, because what sucks more than anything else in the entire world is that you actually cared about him. You never wanted to hurt him.

And then he friend requests your hot best friend on Facebook and you want to stab his eyeballs out.

Douchebag.

my conversation with a six year old.

6yr old: "Why are you driving?"
Me: "Because I can."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "Because I was taught how."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "Because that's what happens when you turn 16."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "That's just the way life works."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "I dunno I don't make the rules kid."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "That's an excellent question."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "Please stop talking."
6YO: "But Whyyy?"
...

Never stop asking questions :)

Love,
Jessi