ok. let's think about what you've done.

Ah, reflection. Sucks doesn't it?

I think it's finally time, kids. Time for the quarter-life crisis. Oh that's supposed to happen when you turn twenty-five you say? Well, my life was awesome at twenty-five.

Life has its ups and downs, yes. Yes it does. But what do I do during the down time? I'm looking back at this last year of my life and there are few things I want to take from it. Few things I am proud of. That's a real first guys. I mean if I look at my first twenty-five years, I can honestly say I was proud overall. Maybe too proud. I mean I was valedictorian, went to college for something I loved and graduated Summa Cum Laude, then got not one but 3 jobs I adored helping people around the world. I went to 7 different countries, lived in one of them for a while, and got to make a difference in the lives of each one. Dudes, I lived in Harlem. Harlem.

Is it ok for me to say that I am terrified that the best years of my life are behind me?

Now surely that is not true. I am twenty-seven. God-willing, I have a good 50 years ahead of me, time to make a home and start a family, do some more good in the world. But right now it doesn't feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I moved back to my tiny hometown and I've spent the last year - 365 days - doing nothing but working a nowhere job at the mall and singing karaoke on Monday nights. Oh, and watching Netflix. So. much. Netflix.

Before last year, there were only two guys I had so much as held hands with. Now I've had dead-end relationships with guys I knew didn't give a shit and a handful of anonymous make-out sessions.

I stopped caring about myself somewhere.

It's like moving back home made me lose my direction. I can't remember my purpose, or if I even have one. I got a non-stressful, non-committal job on purpose. I date guys who don't love me on purpose. Because I am terrified if I do anything good on purpose, it'll be my fault when it fails. And I'm not sure I can handle another good thing failing on me.

There are so many beautiful things I want to do. But I have no idea how to do them.

Here's to hoping this year is better...



  1. I get it, even though I don't really. Is it possible I'm having my quarter life crisis at 19? I'm pretty sure I peaked at 15 and everything from here on out is watching straight to DVD movies on Netflix instant while making homemade donuts from canned biscuits, you know? But I'm just an ultra-pessimist trying to remember there are fluctuations. Good periods are followed by bad. But the bad are followed by good.

    So here's to your next climb!

  2. i've been thru something similar. this year CAN be better! you've taken the first step, which is wanting it to be better, right?! : ) these are my words of encouragement - hope they help!!

  3. Hey Jessie I kind of wish I couldn't understand what you said in this post but I think I get it more than I could have once.

    This last year just seemed crushing.. I moved towns, met the guy I'd always dreamed of but a week before we were to move back to my home town together he called it all off. The worst feeling in life is to love and not be loved in return.

    Then I got sick and couldn't force myself out of bed for two months straight. Mum said she'd never imagined I could go for so many months without laughing.

    Anyway in all of this..it doesn't make sense why things don't work out the way we expected; why things end badly or seem so damaging and why the memories or feelings we want to forget the most are the ones that seem to stick around the most.

    But God is still God and He still loves us. And somehow he is going to turn this stuff around and we will be better because of it. And that settles everything really. I have NO idea why this last year was such a hell of a year.. I have tossed and turned for hours at night trying to figure out where I went so terribly wrong but I can't answer that. I just have to trust God and know that his plan is best and he is doing a good work in me in all this.

    So here's to trusting God for a better year I say. He's got good plans for us Jessie, even when we don't understand them.

    I think if we work on loving him he'll help us work on loving ourselves..

    X X Katherine

    P.S Never, ever, ever, ever give up =)

  4. Haewon, ha I remember thinking I peaked at 15 too...and then again at 22 and again at 25...don't worry there are many more peaks ahead of you :)

    Carmar, I appreciate your encouraging words, as always...hope 2012 is better for you too!

    And thank you so much Katherine, your thoughts are beautiful :)

  5. I realize this is the first time you've ever heard of me, from me, anything about me, but for what it's worth, I hit that point a couple years back and decided I needed a fresh start.

    I picked up everything, moved to Texas, got a great new job, and now I'm off to Maui in less than two weeks following that long-lost dream of mine.

    Concerning older posts, props to saving yourself for marriage. Seriously. When you get a chance, check out my blog. I think we've got some common ground.

    Oh, and seriously, have a good day (as if of your own volition and not as a nonchalant farewell). (:

    1. Hey Jacks! Sorry it took me so long to respond. And actually, I do remember you from another blog you used to do...I think with some other guys...I think it was Clovers something. Sorry I'm getting old and my memory sucks...but anyway I love your insight now just as I did then :) Hope to hear more from you!

  6. Hey Jessie, just thought the other day I haven't read anything new from you in a while so thought I'd just check in and say hi and I hope it's all going ok for you. Bless you heaps and heaps girl, hope the year if looking brighter for you now :)

    1. Hi!! Thank you so much for checking in, I almost want to cry that is so sweet. I literally think about writing every day, but I'm either too tired or too lazy lately. Ha. But I really want to change that. In fact, I shall write an update today :) Thanks again.