ok. let's think about what you've done.

Ah, reflection. Sucks doesn't it?


I think it's finally time, kids. Time for the quarter-life crisis. Oh that's supposed to happen when you turn twenty-five you say? Well, my life was awesome at twenty-five.


Life has its ups and downs, yes. Yes it does. But what do I do during the down time? I'm looking back at this last year of my life and there are few things I want to take from it. Few things I am proud of. That's a real first guys. I mean if I look at my first twenty-five years, I can honestly say I was proud overall. Maybe too proud. I mean I was valedictorian, went to college for something I loved and graduated Summa Cum Laude, then got not one but 3 jobs I adored helping people around the world. I went to 7 different countries, lived in one of them for a while, and got to make a difference in the lives of each one. Dudes, I lived in Harlem. Harlem.


Is it ok for me to say that I am terrified that the best years of my life are behind me?


Now surely that is not true. I am twenty-seven. God-willing, I have a good 50 years ahead of me, time to make a home and start a family, do some more good in the world. But right now it doesn't feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I moved back to my tiny hometown and I've spent the last year - 365 days - doing nothing but working a nowhere job at the mall and singing karaoke on Monday nights. Oh, and watching Netflix. So. much. Netflix.


Before last year, there were only two guys I had so much as held hands with. Now I've had dead-end relationships with guys I knew didn't give a shit and a handful of anonymous make-out sessions.


I stopped caring about myself somewhere.


It's like moving back home made me lose my direction. I can't remember my purpose, or if I even have one. I got a non-stressful, non-committal job on purpose. I date guys who don't love me on purpose. Because I am terrified if I do anything good on purpose, it'll be my fault when it fails. And I'm not sure I can handle another good thing failing on me.


There are so many beautiful things I want to do. But I have no idea how to do them.


Here's to hoping this year is better...


Love,
Jessi

i. am. so. bitter.

Like, if you bit into a lemonseed-stuffed olive and chased it with stale tonic, it still wouldn't come close to my level of utter disgusting bitterness.

I. do. not. like. it.

People make me maddddd. (Please read: Men make me madddddd.)

And that is not fair, I know. But why oh why do I keep getting so disappointed? Are my expectations too high? Am I being too dramatic? Do I over think things? Jump to conclusions? What is it?!? Surely you aren't all assholes. Surely. Right?

Is it too much to ask for a first kiss to be a first kiss? Is it ok that it does not lead to my horizontal orientation on your couch?

I'm sorry I feel like all I've been doing lately is complaining about the pathetic state of my love life. I do apologize. But it seems this year has just been the year for that. I sure do hope next year is better.

Here's my thing though...maybe you can relate. I love physical affection. It is my favorite. But it is also a big deal to me. Like, a really really really big deal. And although I have failed miserably at it, I truly believe that the level of physical intimacy in a relationship should match the level of emotional intimacy. Although I do it, I hate kissing people I'm not dating. I hate doing more than kissing with people I'm not dating. It makes me feel used and feel like I'm using the other person.

I have "saved myself" for marriage. That being said, I've done pretty much everything else. But here is what I hate: If I'm with a guy I like, but am not dating, and we start making out, and it leads to more than making out...you see where I'm going...what sucks is that when it's over it's like "Oh, well, there you go, I just gave you almost everything I can give you without being married to you...and we aren't even dating."

That makes me feel icky.

I want to build towards that. I want to feel safe with you first. I want to feel confident that you aren't just using me for this. I want what we are doing to be an accurate representation of how we feel about each other.

So far, I have not found anyone who is willing to wait for that. For me.

It makes me bitter. And it makes me take out my bitterness on all of mankind. I can't trust you if you even slightly resemble every other guy who has made me this way. I am sorry.

And of course, this thing is two sided. I do let it happen. I am to blame. But why, oh why, you dear little men, MUST YOU ALWAYS EXPECT US GIRLS TO TELL YOU WHEN TO STOP. Just. effing. don't. do. it.

I mean we are human. It feels good what you are doing there. It sure does. Sometimes it is difficult to tell you to stop. Especially if we like you. And want you to like us back.

So please, especially if you KNOW my background. If you KNOW my insecurities and my values...don't push me into something I'm not ready for. Don't be selfish. Care just a little. That's all I'm asking.

Love,

Jessi

i know you care.

I just hit 300 followers! Wahoo! Except I don't know who the f most of you are. Booo. So let's play a little game. I'm gonna ask 10 questions, that I'm sure you were dying to know about me, and then answer them.Then (here's the fun part) you comment back with the same 10 questions with your own answers! Aww, we're gonna be friends!

What do you want to be when you grow up (even if it's outside the realm of "the possible")? A mommy, writer, singer, friend, lover...not necessarily in that order.

What is the first thing you do when you get off work? Take off my pants. Duh.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Somewhere over the rainbow. Seems like a nice place.

If you could have any pet what would you have?  A unicorn. Again I say duh.

Name 3 things that scare you. a) Clowns b) Falling off a cliff c) Falling in love

Name 3 things that make you happy. a) Seahorses b) Seth Cohen c) Falling in love (yes, yes I am a box of contradictions. I'm a girl, it's my right.)

Name a memory that sticks out vividly in your mind. Does seeing the last Harry Potter count? Maybe not...how about my high school graduation. I vividly remember standing there after the ceremony and looking around at everyone hugging...and thinking "Holy shit I have to grow up now."

What are you most proud of? I honestly have no idea. Maybe that I've still got my V card? I know that sounds weird. But I'm really glad I can say that I've never given that part of me to someone who didn't love me or who I didn't love. I can still give that to my husband, and I will be able to say "Hey, I saved this for you. No one else got to have this, and I want you to have it forever." I like that. I want that. It has been a long 26 years though...

What do you most regret? Breaking someone's heart. I know how it feels now, and I am so so sorry I did it to someone else.

What would be your life's theme song? MMMBop. That pretty much says it all.

i mean they make insecticide, why not douchebagacide??

Why are people so effing mean? I can't get over it. How can you purposefully hurt someone? Ever? I literally don't comprehend this whole douchebag phenomenon. Maybe it's because I never really dated in high school or college, and the first guy I dated happened to be my best friend too, so I've been a bit sheltered. All this time I thought I was missing out on something fun, but dear sweet Lord, dating sucks.

It's like you take this thing, let's call it your HEART, and you let someone borrow it for a second, except he doesn't really care about it, cause well, he doesn't care about you (even though he tells you he does, let's call that LYING), and so he accidentally leaves it out in the rain and forgets about it. And so it rots and dies and becomes this black hard decaying thing. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

Except it does hurt. But it hurts so bad that you don't want it to hurt, so you pretend that it doesn't hurt. And you don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt you, cause that would just hurt even more. Especially since you know that you didn't have the ability to hurt him. And really you're glad you didn't hurt him, because what sucks more than anything else in the entire world is that you actually cared about him. You never wanted to hurt him.

And then he friend requests your hot best friend on Facebook and you want to stab his eyeballs out.

Douchebag.

my conversation with a six year old.

6yr old: "Why are you driving?"
Me: "Because I can."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "Because I was taught how."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "Because that's what happens when you turn 16."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "That's just the way life works."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "I dunno I don't make the rules kid."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "That's an excellent question."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "Please stop talking."
6YO: "But Whyyy?"
...

Never stop asking questions :)

Love,
Jessi

humans need to treat humans like humans.

i am so tired of people caring so much about themselves and their own feelings and their own pride that they sacrifice the feelings of others to keep themselves from getting hurt. 

what. the fuck. is that.

(and excuse my language in these last few posts kids. i do apologize. but i am so angry right now.)

what is so wrong with honesty? can i ask that? where did it go? when did all this silly game playing become reality for us? and more importantly, when did it become more important than telling the truth??

i was talking to one of my guy friends the other day, venting about this douche that i've been quasi-dating for the last 3 months, who suddenly stopped talking to me and will not respond to my texts (i've sent two in the last week) or my phone call (i've called once. i too have pride).

here's basically how it went (i'm giving you the edited version):

Friend: He say anything else?

Me: Nope. I don't get it.

Friend: I dont think theres anything to get honestly...i think hes doing this whole borderline aloof, borderline retarded, borderline flaky thing on purpose. In other words, he's being irrational on purpose.

(Insert me getting pissed off here.)

Friend: His reasons for doing that, I can think of 2:

1) He does like you and thinks this makes you like him more, he thinks its a winning strategy, probably does work with some girls

2) He doesn't like you and hes trying to let you off easy in a way where he doesn't have to say it you just get kinda tired of it basically

 

(Insert me thinking, "People actually think this way outside of high school? Wait, people actually think this way ever??)

Friend continues: Your approach should be ignore him back and make no effort unless he makes an effort to see you. And if he makes little non committal statements/pointless small talk that does not lead to any sort of plans for doing things and being in each others' presence, ignore those. Dont engage in conversation. Just to prove my application is right...

 

If its case 1) He likes you: showing confused desperate interest always wondering what he's gonna do next will only put you in a position were he will do it more. Basically you're putting him into the position to just sit on his ass and watch you squirm in confusion because somewhere he learned this was a good strategy. If case 1 is true then ignoring him will likely change the dynamic. He no longer has the power to sit on his ass as you make effort - he has to make the effort.

 

If it's case 2) He doesn't like you: well, you should just ignore him for obvious reasons.

 

So ignore him for about three weeks and see what happens.

Me: Yeah no three weeks is too long. I need closure now. I do not want to sit around any more and wait for him to call me. That will drive me crazy.

Friend: Don't call him. Go run.

Me: Ew.

Friend: How long has it been?

Me: Five days.

Friend: Yeah you can't call him yet. You'll look dumb.

Me: I don't like this game.

I don't like this game because this game is stupid and unnecessary. If you know that I like you, then why would you play this hurtful game to get me to keep liking you? Do you really think that works? More importantly, why, if you really do like me, would you ever intentionally hurt me?

And then, of course, there is that other yucky option. You don't like me. You've been lying to me. Then why can't you at least have the decency to tell me that? I at least deserve that.

And you know what? The part that really sucks is that I knew it wasn't gonna work. I knew it. I mean I wasn't ready to give up yet, cause I'm stubborn as hell. But if you would have just talked to me, like the human that I am, I would have understood, and maybe we would be friends. But now I am going to dislike you for the rest of my life and remember you as yet another douche on this planet who cares more about his ego than anything else. And that really sucks. Cause you promised you weren't a douche. You promised.

i hate this year.

i hate everything about it. i hate people who make me feel like shit. i hate that i live with my parents. i hate that i'm always broke and can't do anything about it. i hate that there is nothing i want to do. i hate this town. i hate feeling. i hate everything. and i hate that i hate everything. i fucking hate it.

how laziness killed my soul.

It's one hundred and seventy six days later and I am still living with my parents. This was not the plan kids.

The plan, if you recall, was to move home in December from my whirlwind adventure in New York, get a job, save some money, move into a cute little house, buy a new car, and start my wonderful new single life doing something I love and being stress free.

Epic fail.

I still have no money even though I work 50 hours a week. Too much debt. My online vintage shop is going no where, not that I put any time into it...of course it's going no where. The photography thing isn't quite working out either. Also, no time and no money. Oh, and the cabin I was supposed to have built by now? Uh huh. That happened. Have you ever tried to cut down a tree? Have you ever tried to cut down a tree when it's 800 degrees outside? Didn't think so.

The worst part is I don't know how to get out of this place I'm in. I feel so stuck. Sometimes I feel like I have these wonderful dreams but I can't do anything about them. I love being a dreamer, but I hate being a dreamer who can't do. So frustrating.

The worst part is I don't even have the motivation to fix it. How do you find motivation? I mean I know if I work hard enough, I could probably pay off my debt and do all of the things I want to do. Hell, if I had started in January I would probably almost be at that point now.

I've realized that over the last 3 or 4 years I've always had someone holding me up, and I think I've grown so used to that that I don't know how to be independent anymore. Well, not really independent...more like I don't know how to push myself anymore. I just sit idly by and watch my life go on while nothing changes (well, except I look older. Awesome). I was so craving rest, but I think I've taken it too far. I've become lazy. And laziness will kill your soul methinks.

Where did the hard worker in me go? Was she killed by disappointment? Heartbreak? Finding out there was no Santa Claus? (Those are really all the same I guess.) It seems the most valuable thing I've learned this year is that if you lower your expectations you'll never be disappointed. People can only hurt you if you give them the power to, and that includes yourself. I used to expect so much out of myself. Make straight A's so I could be valedictorian, get into college and graduate Summa Cum Laude while building my impressive resume, which was really just for my prideful self cause all I really wanted was to find the love of my life and have beautiful babies until my ovaries dried up. Everything was going fine until the love part. That's where I lost my control.

And where I decided to stop caring I guess. Except I do care. I think I established that.It just sucks sometimes. I miss my naive optimistic hardworking self. Who believed there was something out there worth hoping for.

I mean she's still in there. It's just been harder to be her lately. That's all I'm sayin.