Like, if you bit into a lemonseed-stuffed olive and chased it with stale tonic, it still wouldn't come close to my level of utter disgusting bitterness.
I. do. not. like. it.
People make me maddddd. (Please read: Men make me madddddd.)
And that is not fair, I know. But why oh why do I keep getting so disappointed? Are my expectations too high? Am I being too dramatic? Do I over think things? Jump to conclusions? What is it?!? Surely you aren't all assholes. Surely. Right?
Is it too much to ask for a first kiss to be a first kiss? Is it ok that it does not lead to my horizontal orientation on your couch?
I'm sorry I feel like all I've been doing lately is complaining about the pathetic state of my love life. I do apologize. But it seems this year has just been the year for that. I sure do hope next year is better.
Here's my thing though...maybe you can relate. I love physical affection. It is my favorite. But it is also a big deal to me. Like, a really really really big deal. And although I have failed miserably at it, I truly believe that the level of physical intimacy in a relationship should match the level of emotional intimacy. Although I do it, I hate kissing people I'm not dating. I hate doing more than kissing with people I'm not dating. It makes me feel used and feel like I'm using the other person.
I have "saved myself" for marriage. That being said, I've done pretty much everything else. But here is what I hate: If I'm with a guy I like, but am not dating, and we start making out, and it leads to more than making out...you see where I'm going...what sucks is that when it's over it's like "Oh, well, there you go, I just gave you almost everything I can give you without being married to you...and we aren't even dating."
That makes me feel icky.
I want to build towards that. I want to feel safe with you first. I want to feel confident that you aren't just using me for this. I want what we are doing to be an accurate representation of how we feel about each other.
So far, I have not found anyone who is willing to wait for that. For me.
It makes me bitter. And it makes me take out my bitterness on all of mankind. I can't trust you if you even slightly resemble every other guy who has made me this way. I am sorry.
And of course, this thing is two sided. I do let it happen. I am to blame. But why, oh why, you dear little men, MUST YOU ALWAYS EXPECT US GIRLS TO TELL YOU WHEN TO STOP. Just. effing. don't. do. it.
I mean we are human. It feels good what you are doing there. It sure does. Sometimes it is difficult to tell you to stop. Especially if we like you. And want you to like us back.
So please, especially if you KNOW my background. If you KNOW my insecurities and my values...don't push me into something I'm not ready for. Don't be selfish. Care just a little. That's all I'm asking.
Love,
Jessi
Oh you are not alone!! I've gotten very very lemon about the entire male gender.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I knew I would like this post as soon as you referred to it as "horizontal orientation" lol
Haha so glad you liked it :) And even gladder that you can relate. I know gladder isn't a word. I don't care.
ReplyDeleteOh but I'm not glad you can relate also cause I know how much it sucks. It's just nice to not be so alone. I'm selfish.
Dear sister...I don't know how old you are but you seem very young judging by this one post I've read. As you age, you finally start to understand that you're not going to be treated with any dignity or respect if you end up on a guy's couch alone on a moonlit night in the first place. It's like you're advertising sex. If you want respect..don't demand it, command it. This is spoken with complete respect to you as a "sister of the planet." I've been there and it's always the same. If you give a man half a chance, he'll round the bases. Men aren't interested in your mind if they see cleavage and a gleam in your eye. It's sad but true. Ask yourself what you advertise to the average guy? Does he see a lot of skin? What would you think if you were a guy? I don't know you dear, but I hope you understand that men were created to sow their seed in any field they may and women were created to limit themselves to one farmer. God bless you. I hope one day you'll let God find your perfect match. He'll be the right one. I hope you aren't insulted. I meant no insult.
ReplyDeleteDear Kelline, I appreciate your post, and your honesty. If you had read any of my other posts you would also know that I am nothing but honest on this blog. It's the reason I have it. So that other people can relate, so that we don't feel so alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm 27 years old. And even if I had written this when I was 17, I've never been one to flaunt my cleav or sleep around with random guys. I do demand respect from the people around me, which is why I get so upset when I don't receive it. I know I deserve it.
The guys that have been making me upset are the ones that I thought I knew. Like in this case, for nearly 10 years, who I build up expectations for only to be let down. This pot was written in the middle of my sadness over the most recent disappointment, hence the brutal honesty.
These are also the times I write my best. Because it is real.
And for the record, I in NO WAY believe that if you "give a guy half a chance he'll round the bases." That is the most pessimistic and hopeless thing I have ever heard. As bitter as I am right now, I do know that there are better guys out there...and I hope you find one as well.
Loved your post.
ReplyDeleteGuy here not trying to get into anything ;)
U are a good writer btw.