motivation

So I haven't written in a while. I hate that. I like to write. I want to write, but somehow, somewhere, I lost my motivation. What motivates you? What motivates me? What used to make me get up at 8:00 in the morning so that I would have time before class to go to Taylor's and read and write? Whatever it was, it's gone now. And I want it back.

Maybe frustration is stopping me. Frustration from my inability to clearly articualte my thoughts, my real thoughts. I can't get out in words the jumbled mess that has taken up residence in my mind. I can't get it out and that is frustrating. I want to be able to express what I think and feel. I want to be understood, but it seems like everytime I have something to say, I have no way to say it. Or maybe I'm frustrated because I don't finish what I start. Like remember that book I was writing? Yeah definitely haven't gotten too far on that. Practically nowhere. Again, I thought I had something worth saying, worth sharing with other people. I think everyone has a story worth sharing, and I really wanted to share mine. But it's just not happening.

And I want to play guitar more. I used to play everyday. Man I remember before I went to New Zealand I said I was going to write everyday and read and play guitar - like New Zealand was going to inspire me with its immense beauty, like I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to express myself creatively because of the creation around me. But instead I was nervous in my new surroundings, desperately trying to make new freinds and find my way around a new city/country/hemisphere. There was not much writing (but there was actually a lot of reading - I read all six of the Harry Potters, plus some Jane Austen, Nicholas Sparks, John Steinbeck, and Lord of the Rings).

So back to my point. Where did my motivation go? Is it hiding behind my "busy" schedule (which somehow still leaves time for hours of Gilmore Girls)? I think it's buried under my excuses. Like "I'm tired" or "I'll do it later" or "I have to finish this first." If I want to do it I'll do it. Motivation stems from passion and if I am really passionate about writing and studying the word of God then I will do it. There will be my motivation. It is a choice. It is a conscious effort. So there.