how laziness killed my soul.

It's one hundred and seventy six days later and I am still living with my parents. This was not the plan kids.

The plan, if you recall, was to move home in December from my whirlwind adventure in New York, get a job, save some money, move into a cute little house, buy a new car, and start my wonderful new single life doing something I love and being stress free.

Epic fail.

I still have no money even though I work 50 hours a week. Too much debt. My online vintage shop is going no where, not that I put any time into it...of course it's going no where. The photography thing isn't quite working out either. Also, no time and no money. Oh, and the cabin I was supposed to have built by now? Uh huh. That happened. Have you ever tried to cut down a tree? Have you ever tried to cut down a tree when it's 800 degrees outside? Didn't think so.

The worst part is I don't know how to get out of this place I'm in. I feel so stuck. Sometimes I feel like I have these wonderful dreams but I can't do anything about them. I love being a dreamer, but I hate being a dreamer who can't do. So frustrating.

The worst part is I don't even have the motivation to fix it. How do you find motivation? I mean I know if I work hard enough, I could probably pay off my debt and do all of the things I want to do. Hell, if I had started in January I would probably almost be at that point now.

I've realized that over the last 3 or 4 years I've always had someone holding me up, and I think I've grown so used to that that I don't know how to be independent anymore. Well, not really independent...more like I don't know how to push myself anymore. I just sit idly by and watch my life go on while nothing changes (well, except I look older. Awesome). I was so craving rest, but I think I've taken it too far. I've become lazy. And laziness will kill your soul methinks.

Where did the hard worker in me go? Was she killed by disappointment? Heartbreak? Finding out there was no Santa Claus? (Those are really all the same I guess.) It seems the most valuable thing I've learned this year is that if you lower your expectations you'll never be disappointed. People can only hurt you if you give them the power to, and that includes yourself. I used to expect so much out of myself. Make straight A's so I could be valedictorian, get into college and graduate Summa Cum Laude while building my impressive resume, which was really just for my prideful self cause all I really wanted was to find the love of my life and have beautiful babies until my ovaries dried up. Everything was going fine until the love part. That's where I lost my control.

And where I decided to stop caring I guess. Except I do care. I think I established that.It just sucks sometimes. I miss my naive optimistic hardworking self. Who believed there was something out there worth hoping for.

I mean she's still in there. It's just been harder to be her lately. That's all I'm sayin.

go ahead.

Please, one more person tell me about your high expectations for me. While your at it, please shoot me in the face.

You know what? I have no life goals. None. At least not right now. So please don't tell me how great I am, and what good I am going to do in this world, and what a wonderful person I am. It is just too much pressure. And I will fail. And I don't want to fail. Because I want to make you proud. I want everyone to like me, and I want everyone to be proud of me. And again, that is a lot of pressure.

I put on this whole thing about how I don't care what people think of me, but it just isn't true. It's not. I want you to like me. All of you. And when I tell you I don't care, it is a lie. I care a lot. And I try really hard. Like, really hard. To be good, to be pretty, to be like-able. To be happy. And when you have to try that hard, it makes you wonder if you really are those things. 

And I don't want to have to wonder. Sweet Jesus, I am so tired of wondering all.the.time. What the hell am I doing here? I have done nothing. And I have nothing to do. Nothing to do and nothing to say. I am completely useless. I mean I know that isn't true, I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself or anything. But really, what am I doing? I work at the mall and I play with chickens at my parents' house. And watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager, which is a terrible show by the way, don't watch it. Ever. (I've watched 5 seasons of it - I would say I want those 60 hours of my life back, but I mean, what was I doing with my life anyway that would be any better?)

I had a plan. But then I shot it to hell. I mean it obviously wasn't the plan for me, so I guess that's ok. But I've never not had a plan before. I've had a plan since I was in kindergarten. WHO SAID MY PLAN WAS NOT GOING TO WORK? Cause I sure did not. It was supposed to work. I really really wanted it to work. I don't know how to do this thing without a plan. I feel like I'm not getting anything done. I have no list of things to do, nothing to check off to feel accomplished. And no motivation to make another list. I just want to live life, but then I bitch about the way I'm living. I am so annoying. I can barely handle being around myself these days.

Maybe someone really should shoot me in the face. Ha. That was a joke.

Ok. Enough. So how was your day?

it's true!

(via http://neverforgetyouu.tumblr.com)

Love,

Jessi

the only thing that counts...

is faith expressing itself through love.


do it.


love,
jessi

this is it.

Here it is, kids. I have discovered the meaning of life. Here is what I want to do:

House by the Side of the Road
by Sam Walter Foss


There are hermit souls that live withdrawn
In the place of their self-content;
There are souls like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze the paths
Where highways never ran-
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.


Let me live in a house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by-
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner's seat
Nor hurl the cynic's ban-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.


I see from my house by the side of the road
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife,
But I turn not away from their smiles and tears,
Both parts of an infinite plan-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.


I know there are brook-gladdened meadows ahead,
And mountains of wearisome height;
That the road passes on through the long afternoon
And stretches away to the night.
And still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice
And weep with the strangers that moan,
Nor live in my house by the side of the road
Like a man who dwells alone.


Let me live in my house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by-
They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish - so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat,
Or hurl the cynic's ban?
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

even when life totally sucks...

...know that God is with you. Take it from Job:


"God alienated my family from me;
everyone who knows me avoids me.
My relatives and friends have all left;
houseguests forget I ever existed.
The servant girls treat me like a bum off the street,
look at me like they've never seen me before.
I call my attendant and he ignores me,
ignores me even though I plead with him.
My wife can't stand to be around me anymore.
I'm repulsive to my family.
Even street urchins despise me;
when I come out, they taunt and jeer.
Everyone I've ever been close to abhors me;
my dearest loved ones reject me.
I'm nothing but a bag of bones;
my life hangs by a thread...


...Still, I know that God lives—the One who gives me back my life—
and eventually he'll take his stand on earth.
And I'll see him—even though I get skinned alive!—
see God myself, with my very own eyes.
Oh, how I long for that day!"


Me too.


Love,
Jessi

it is a new year.

And it is going to be good. It has to be. I know it's a little late, but I have come up with a few resolutions, except these are more like life resolutions, not so much "new year's" resolutions. Here are the first three:


1. Enjoy a healthier lifestyle. 

Eating better obviously falls under this resolution, which is kind of being forced on me since my mom is on a no sugar, no bread diet. But my parents also have a garden and chickens, which means fresh veggies and eggs at my fingertips, which is kinda awesome.

This should be a piece of cake. (Not literally, of course.)


I would also like to be a bit more active. New York was great in a lot of ways, but one of it's greatest assets was the fact that it was a "walking city." Driving was stupid and pointless, really. Walking was the best mode of transportation, and it really made me feel great. I literally walked at least a couple of miles every day (except for those days when I stayed in bed all day eating family packs of Twizzlers and watching full seasons of Veronica Mars). I'm hoping to keep the walking thing up, though it's a bit hard when driving really is necessary. I mean, I now live way out in the country where it's a 15 minute drive to anything. Walking is out of the question. Maybe I should get a bike?

2. Get out of debt.

This one kind of speaks for itself. The burden of being in debt is starting to overwhelm me. I feel completely trapped. I can't go anywhere or do anything or buy anything without feeling the guilt of "Well I guess I'll just be making the minimum payment this month too." Yuck. Stupid credit cards. Student loan debt is a different story. I don't feel so bad about that...it was more of an investment. But credit card debt? Not a good idea. Once I'm out, I'm out. Never. Ever. Again.

3. Figure out what makes me happy and do it.

I believe we, every single one of us, were created, and in that creation was a purpose. I also believe that our Creator is good. Therefore, I believe our purpose is good. In us lies the ability to make a difference in this world. But I also believe that our Creator found joy in His purpose. And I think there is something to that. Maybe our purpose in itself doesn't have to change the world, but the joy it gives can certainly make a difference as well. The ability to find joy in what we do and what we ourselves create cannot be underestimated. That joy will motivate us and make us better people. If you do what you love, you will love what you do. That not only makes you a happier person, but it also makes the people around you happier. I say, let's create some happiness.


All that said, there are a lot of things that make me happy. One of those is old stuff. I love the story behind an  old photograph or a 50s prom dress or an old deck of cards. A flea market is my wonderland. So, my mom and I have put together a vintage shop on Etsy to share some of that joy. You can check it out here if you want. I'll be putting up lots of new finds over the next few days, so be sure to check back. In the meantime, what makes you happy?

Love,
Jessi

i saw every. single. mile. :)

Packing up your life and moving back in with your parents after living in New York City is not the easiest thing for a "grown-up" (and I use that term loosely) to do. But alas, my time in The Big Apple is over, at least for now, and the door to my parents' home was really the only open one I had left to go through. I do know how blessed I am to have a home to go back to, of course, but I must say it is a bit strange coming back. And a bit hilarious since my 23 year old brother has also moved back. It's like the good old days...except we call each other more sophisticated names than "poop-face" (most of the time).


So anyway, I made it! It was a long, fabulous journey home. I think Virginia is my new favorite state. It was full of snow-topped rolling hills and old wooden farmhouses. I loved driving through. I loved seeing everything in between here and there. But now it's so strange to be back here. New York feels like a dream. This last year feels like a dream. My future feels like a dream. I have no idea where I am headed and that is both terrifying and exhilarating.


Here is what i do know though: I will learn how to build a cabin this year. My parents have some wooded property back behind their house and I am going to build a little "retreat" place for myself, and for anyone else who comes to visit.


I'm still working on "growing to learn to love to live," but I think I'm getting closer. And really, I think that's the point of life. We live so that we can love to live.


I'll have photos of my mini road trip soon, but in the meantime, check out my newest project. This is to get me ready for the cabin - I am helping my parents fix up the attic so that I have a place to stay. Yes, the attic. But it is actually going to be super rad I think. Unless my brother chooses to share it with me. He has a tendency to make things, well, not clean. Yeah we'll see.


The attic, pre-remodel: