there is an ocean out there. and i'm gonna swim in it.

Hi.

Do you ever feel like you're drowning? Cause I do. Drowning in debt, drowning in work, drowning in love...

But I mean I know it's ok. I know it is. I'm not so far gone that I have lost hope in my ability to make it back up to the top. But it makes me wonder, because I know that not everyone has that hope. Not everyone has learned how to swim, how to get back up there, how to breathe. Not to say that I am the greatest swimmer. I mean, have you read my blog? I sink. A lot. And not just because I can't do it. Sometimes I just forget how important breathing is.


What if drowning is normal? Don't things just feel heavy sometimes? Like you could literally drown in your surroundings, in life? And not always in a bad way. Like sometimes I just love things so much I feel like I'm gonna explode. (Of course I may be a rare case. I mean, I cried at the end of Dark Knight Rises. Wept. I mean, come on. Alfred? Sweet old man. Kiss his frickin cheeks off.) And then there are of course the not-so-happy things that make me want to explode. Like being in debt for the last 5 years. Doesn't matter how much I pay, the next month I still owe the same. damn. amount.

Does everyone drown? And what if you can't swim?! Like at all? What happens to those people? Or what if you don't even know that you need to swim. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??


I dunno kids. I don't know about normal. All I know is there is an ocean out there. And it is full of monsters and pressures and beautiful things. And I want to swim in it. I want to explore the depths and face the monsters and feel the pressures - and then swim back up to the top, take in a big long breath, and do it all over again. Stronger this time.

I may need to borrow somebody's floaties for a while though. Hit me up if you have some.

Love,
Jessi

and then it gets better.

Hi friends, been a while, I know. I hope you don't think less of me. I've missed you, I really have. I think about you constantly. I haven't written in a few months, and I don't have a good excuse. I'm lazy. And I'm tired. That's all.

But things are getting better! I got a new job recently, which will hopefully help with the tired part. No more driving 30 minutes to work, and no more 40-50 hours a week at the mall! I am now the Admin Assistant for Chatham Design Group, which may not sound like much, but I love it. I get to help people find their dream home, which is something I am getting more and more interested in myself as I find myself growing up.

I also started dating my best friend, Gus. (Finally, I know.)

I mean, how pretty would our babies be?? GAH. I need a moment...

Ok, so yes, we've been dating for about 3 months now...and so far so good. I will say though, it's a little terrifying to date your best friend. Cause you know if it doesn't work out, you lose one of the most valuable things in your whole life. But then again, not being with him was so unnatural, it felt stupid. Plus, how great is it to be be with someone who actually understands you, who knows those parts of you that you don't even like, but then loves you anyway? Can't beat that. (Not to say we don't get in a few healthy arguments every once in a while...)

I think for pretty much all of last year I was trying really hard not to care. I just wanted to have fun and be free to do whatever I wanted to do, no feelings attached. And so I made some bad choices. None that I really regret though, to be honest, cause I think they taught me a valuable lesson: You are who you choose to be. And I was not choosing well.

This reminds me of my favorite book by John Steinbeck, East of Eden. One of the major themes is based on the word timshel, a hebrew word meaning "thou mayest." In the Old Testament it's used to say "thou mayest conquer sin." Not you can, you may. 

It is always your choice. You can be good, or you can be bad. That's pretty much what is comes down to. And my dear friends, there are already plenty of bad people in the world. Methinks we should try adding a few more to the good side. And not just for the sake of humanity even, but for the sake of He who created us to be better, to do good, to love all...because we are to be a reflection of Him. And I am so tired of us sucking that up. That's not fair. He's not like that, why should we be? Why should we make everyone else believe He is bad because we are acting that way?!

Let's choose to do some good today, because as another favorite author of mine once wrote, "...that has made all the difference."

Love,

Jessi

ok. let's think about what you've done.

Ah, reflection. Sucks doesn't it?


I think it's finally time, kids. Time for the quarter-life crisis. Oh that's supposed to happen when you turn twenty-five you say? Well, my life was awesome at twenty-five.


Life has its ups and downs, yes. Yes it does. But what do I do during the down time? I'm looking back at this last year of my life and there are few things I want to take from it. Few things I am proud of. That's a real first guys. I mean if I look at my first twenty-five years, I can honestly say I was proud overall. Maybe too proud. I mean I was valedictorian, went to college for something I loved and graduated Summa Cum Laude, then got not one but 3 jobs I adored helping people around the world. I went to 7 different countries, lived in one of them for a while, and got to make a difference in the lives of each one. Dudes, I lived in Harlem. Harlem.


Is it ok for me to say that I am terrified that the best years of my life are behind me?


Now surely that is not true. I am twenty-seven. God-willing, I have a good 50 years ahead of me, time to make a home and start a family, do some more good in the world. But right now it doesn't feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I moved back to my tiny hometown and I've spent the last year - 365 days - doing nothing but working a nowhere job at the mall and singing karaoke on Monday nights. Oh, and watching Netflix. So. much. Netflix.


Before last year, there were only two guys I had so much as held hands with. Now I've had dead-end relationships with guys I knew didn't give a shit and a handful of anonymous make-out sessions.


I stopped caring about myself somewhere.


It's like moving back home made me lose my direction. I can't remember my purpose, or if I even have one. I got a non-stressful, non-committal job on purpose. I date guys who don't love me on purpose. Because I am terrified if I do anything good on purpose, it'll be my fault when it fails. And I'm not sure I can handle another good thing failing on me.


There are so many beautiful things I want to do. But I have no idea how to do them.


Here's to hoping this year is better...


Love,
Jessi