i am a selfish beast

sadly, i think i've had that post title before. will i ever learn? why is it so hard for me to let go of myself and my selfish ways? i love people, i do, but when their wants and needs get in the way of my single-minded desires for myself and for what i think is the "greater good" (but is more often my own kinda-good-but-only-in-this-moment-good), i do not care or see to care about anything else.


I wanted to go to Auburn since I was 7 years old because my favorite teacher went there and after i made up my mind, there was no turning back. could I afford college? No. Could my parents? No. So did i go to the college that offered the best scholarships? Of course not.

And then, when i was bored of Auburn and needed an adventure, did i take a weekend road trip to Disney World? Well yes, but before that I moved to New Zealand. Could I afford to move and go to school in New Zealand for a semester? No. I used up every penny of savings I had that I was supposed to use for paying off my student loans. Of course, Auburn and New Zealand both ended up being an excellent experience for me, but am i still paying off my $30,000 in student loans? Yes.


so forget about money. what about people? what about when I decide on exactly how I want to fall in love and who I want to fall in love with? or when I decide what career makes me most happy? where does selfishness cross the line? I cannot hold on to everything. I cannot decide everything.

And honestly, there are some things that I don't want to decide on because I suck at knowing what is best for me.

I just wish I knew how to let go of that overwhelming desire to control what I get to do and how I get to do it. I wish I was strong enough to let myself go.


  1. Loving Father, I bless thee for thy goodness and tender mercy which is over all. May I trust thy provision and love through all circumstances, and as I trust myself to thee may I have faith to believe that thou wilt give me strength for what I may have to endure, and believe that thou wilt care for me, as thou dost care for all. Amen. Margaret Bird Steinmetz

  2. God Is Not About YOUR Success

    November 2

    "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life" (John 12:24-26).

    God is all about your death so that HIS success can be realized through you! This is why the Church is having such little impact - there are too many believers who have not yet died to their old nature so that Christ can live fully through them. When believers come to the end of themselves they will lose their lives to Him and live through the power of the Holy Spirit and begin to see the reality of a living gospel that impacts lives, workplaces, cities and nations.

    "Much of modern Christian enterprise is 'Ishmael.' Born not of God, but of an inordinate desire to do God's will in our own way - the one thing our Lord never did," said Oswald Chambers. The psalmist describes what it means to live in our own strength:

    "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for he grants sleep to those he loves" (Ps 127:1-2).

    How does one die so that Christ can be our all and all? It usually takes a crisis of significant proportions for most people to relinquish the control of their lives. It means we come to the end of ourselves and our striving to control the events in our lives and we finally come to the place where we can say, "Lord, I surrender. Please take full control of my life."

    Have you come to this place with God in your life? Let go and let God make you a success His way.
    By Os Hillman

    *"You have all that you need. Your loving Father sees to your every desire. He will nourish and sustain you as you lovingly seek Him. He always come through. He never fails. He promises to help you obey Him. You need not labor alone." Joi~