sadly, i think i've had that post title before. will i ever learn? why is it so hard for me to let go of myself and my selfish ways? i love people, i do, but when their wants and needs get in the way of my single-minded desires for myself and for what i think is the "greater good" (but is more often my own kinda-good-but-only-in-this-moment-good), i do not care or see to care about anything else.
I wanted to go to Auburn since I was 7 years old because my favorite teacher went there and after i made up my mind, there was no turning back. could I afford college? No. Could my parents? No. So did i go to the college that offered the best scholarships? Of course not.
And then, when i was bored of Auburn and needed an adventure, did i take a weekend road trip to Disney World? Well yes, but before that I moved to New Zealand. Could I afford to move and go to school in New Zealand for a semester? No. I used up every penny of savings I had that I was supposed to use for paying off my student loans. Of course, Auburn and New Zealand both ended up being an excellent experience for me, but am i still paying off my $30,000 in student loans? Yes.
so forget about money. what about people? what about when I decide on exactly how I want to fall in love and who I want to fall in love with? or when I decide what career makes me most happy? where does selfishness cross the line? I cannot hold on to everything. I cannot decide everything.
And honestly, there are some things that I don't want to decide on because I suck at knowing what is best for me.
I just wish I knew how to let go of that overwhelming desire to control what I get to do and how I get to do it. I wish I was strong enough to let myself go.