perseverance

i know this is the kind of thing you really aren't supposed to talk about, but i feel like i need to.

i have been so mad at God recently. things are just not going the way i would like them to. i can't pay my bills. my car keeps breaking down. i don't want to be in 2 of my 3 jobs. i just want to work for bedouins full time. i need patience. i need faith. more than faith, i need something good to be revealed through my faith.

i have been getting angry at work, because i don't want to be there, and i think it's been obvious. i don't want my co-workers to see that side of me. especially if i am the only example of a follower of Christ that they get to see. i want them to see the kind of God i hope to represent. because He is Good, even when i am not.

and He is Love...especially when i am not.

but i haven't even wanted to talk to Him lately...honestly i haven't even wanted to talk about Him. prayer has been a chore. reading my bible has been a nuisance...even though i KNOW that the reason i feel that way is because i have been neglecting it.

and i know that i can do nothing worth anything without Him. and i want to give my all to Bedouins. i want to give it all to my other employers too, because i want to do everything i do in His Name. but lately it has been a lot harder to motivate myself.

but i do Love Him. even when i am mad at Him, I Love Him. i just needed to get that off my chest.

Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

...we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

(James 1:2-3 & Romans 5:3-5)