I just got a new iPhone. And some of the new features are incredible. Like, it recognizes my face. Even when I'm looking down at it and not when I have it above my face so as to not show my neck rolls whilst taking a selfie.
It knows me. The real me. It knows me better than my Insta fam. Or my Snapchat friends. And that's a little sad.
It has been two point five years since I've written anything real on here. I have been so wrapped up in maintaining my 2.5 jobs and feeling sorry for the 2.5 heartbreaks I've had and wondering if I'm ever gonna have the 2.5 kids I was supposed to have by now that I just can't sit down and process that because if I do I might figure out that Jessi v2.5 is the same Jessi she was 2.5 years ago and I just can't.
How many of y'all felt that?
I mean know I'm not the exact same person. Deep down I know that. Not that there's anything wrong with Jessi 2.0, or 1.0 for that matter, but I do know that people have to grow. We have to learn. I mean that's the whole damn point of this blog....me figuring out how to grow to learn to love to live.
I recently did a boudoir session with Blackberry and Fig Studios, which was not nearly as terrifying as it would have been 5 years ago. (Honestly, 5 years ago Jessi 2.0 probably would have judged Jessi 2.5 for even doing it. Shame on her.) It was really fun, but it was also one of the most vulnerable things I've ever done, and it really made me think about how I view myself.
I have lived my life to please others in a big way. Not saying there is anything inherently wrong with that, but I've also realized there is an anti-altrusitic element about the way I was doing it:
I want to be a good person, yes, but I also want people to think I'm a good person.
And sometimes I think the importance of the latter outweighs the former and that, dear friends, is where I go wrong. From what I say to what I post on social media, there is always that question of "But what will people think if I say this? Or do this?" Will people think I'm funny? Will they think I'm cute? Will this get his attention? Will she think I'm trying to get attention?
It all comes down to pride. And honestly I think we all struggle with it to some extent. I want to be seen as good and smart and pretty and fun. But why? I'm still trying to figure that part out.
I've had a couple of people tell me to read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.
Jessi 2.0 read the title, made assumptions, and was like "Nah I want to give a f*ck about everything. That's what good people do." But Jessi 2.5 has at least learned that sometimes other people are right and sometimes she assumes things that are incorrect.
I haven't finished it yet but so far it has hit me square in the moneymaker. Because, here's the thing. If we try to give a f*ck about everything, we're not really giving a f*ck about anything. Except, maybe, trying to *look* like we give a f*ck. And that just doesn't f*cking matter.
As Mr. Manson writes, "Who you are is defined by what you're willing to struggle for." And I'm realizing, slowly, that the things I struggle for on a daily basis are not the things that will in fact make me a better person, or the world a better place, so why, dear heart, must you keep struggling?
I sincerely want to be a good person, but I also want to be the kind of girl that is smart enough to know the difference between being good and being a pushover. A girl who can be confident without being prideful, strong without hurting someone else. It is a fine line that I walk daily.
Here's hoping Jessi v2.5 will keep struggling only for those things that are worth struggling for. And here's hoping I don't give a f*ck about which or how many of you cares.
xo,
jess
p.s. Shoutout to Leslie at Blackberry and Fig for capturing me at a time when I was hurting but you still thought I was beautiful. There is something quite nice about that.
