i. am. so. bitter.

Like, if you bit into a lemonseed-stuffed olive and chased it with stale tonic, it still wouldn't come close to my level of utter disgusting bitterness.

I. do. not. like. it.

People make me maddddd. (Please read: Men make me madddddd.)

And that is not fair, I know. But why oh why do I keep getting so disappointed? Are my expectations too high? Am I being too dramatic? Do I over think things? Jump to conclusions? What is it?!? Surely you aren't all assholes. Surely. Right?

Is it too much to ask for a first kiss to be a first kiss? Is it ok that it does not lead to my horizontal orientation on your couch?

I'm sorry I feel like all I've been doing lately is complaining about the pathetic state of my love life. I do apologize. But it seems this year has just been the year for that. I sure do hope next year is better.

Here's my thing though...maybe you can relate. I love physical affection. It is my favorite. But it is also a big deal to me. Like, a really really really big deal. And although I have failed miserably at it, I truly believe that the level of physical intimacy in a relationship should match the level of emotional intimacy. Although I do it, I hate kissing people I'm not dating. I hate doing more than kissing with people I'm not dating. It makes me feel used and feel like I'm using the other person.

I have "saved myself" for marriage. That being said, I've done pretty much everything else. But here is what I hate: If I'm with a guy I like, but am not dating, and we start making out, and it leads to more than making out...you see where I'm going...what sucks is that when it's over it's like "Oh, well, there you go, I just gave you almost everything I can give you without being married to you...and we aren't even dating."

That makes me feel icky.

I want to build towards that. I want to feel safe with you first. I want to feel confident that you aren't just using me for this. I want what we are doing to be an accurate representation of how we feel about each other.

So far, I have not found anyone who is willing to wait for that. For me.

It makes me bitter. And it makes me take out my bitterness on all of mankind. I can't trust you if you even slightly resemble every other guy who has made me this way. I am sorry.

And of course, this thing is two sided. I do let it happen. I am to blame. But why, oh why, you dear little men, MUST YOU ALWAYS EXPECT US GIRLS TO TELL YOU WHEN TO STOP. Just. effing. don't. do. it.

I mean we are human. It feels good what you are doing there. It sure does. Sometimes it is difficult to tell you to stop. Especially if we like you. And want you to like us back.

So please, especially if you KNOW my background. If you KNOW my insecurities and my values...don't push me into something I'm not ready for. Don't be selfish. Care just a little. That's all I'm asking.

Love,

Jessi

i know you care.

I just hit 300 followers! Wahoo! Except I don't know who the f most of you are. Booo. So let's play a little game. I'm gonna ask 10 questions, that I'm sure you were dying to know about me, and then answer them.Then (here's the fun part) you comment back with the same 10 questions with your own answers! Aww, we're gonna be friends!

What do you want to be when you grow up (even if it's outside the realm of "the possible")? A mommy, writer, singer, friend, lover...not necessarily in that order.

What is the first thing you do when you get off work? Take off my pants. Duh.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Somewhere over the rainbow. Seems like a nice place.

If you could have any pet what would you have?  A unicorn. Again I say duh.

Name 3 things that scare you. a) Clowns b) Falling off a cliff c) Falling in love

Name 3 things that make you happy. a) Seahorses b) Seth Cohen c) Falling in love (yes, yes I am a box of contradictions. I'm a girl, it's my right.)

Name a memory that sticks out vividly in your mind. Does seeing the last Harry Potter count? Maybe not...how about my high school graduation. I vividly remember standing there after the ceremony and looking around at everyone hugging...and thinking "Holy shit I have to grow up now."

What are you most proud of? I honestly have no idea. Maybe that I've still got my V card? I know that sounds weird. But I'm really glad I can say that I've never given that part of me to someone who didn't love me or who I didn't love. I can still give that to my husband, and I will be able to say "Hey, I saved this for you. No one else got to have this, and I want you to have it forever." I like that. I want that. It has been a long 26 years though...

What do you most regret? Breaking someone's heart. I know how it feels now, and I am so so sorry I did it to someone else.

What would be your life's theme song? MMMBop. That pretty much says it all.

i mean they make insecticide, why not douchebagacide??

Why are people so effing mean? I can't get over it. How can you purposefully hurt someone? Ever? I literally don't comprehend this whole douchebag phenomenon. Maybe it's because I never really dated in high school or college, and the first guy I dated happened to be my best friend too, so I've been a bit sheltered. All this time I thought I was missing out on something fun, but dear sweet Lord, dating sucks.

It's like you take this thing, let's call it your HEART, and you let someone borrow it for a second, except he doesn't really care about it, cause well, he doesn't care about you (even though he tells you he does, let's call that LYING), and so he accidentally leaves it out in the rain and forgets about it. And so it rots and dies and becomes this black hard decaying thing. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

Except it does hurt. But it hurts so bad that you don't want it to hurt, so you pretend that it doesn't hurt. And you don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt you, cause that would just hurt even more. Especially since you know that you didn't have the ability to hurt him. And really you're glad you didn't hurt him, because what sucks more than anything else in the entire world is that you actually cared about him. You never wanted to hurt him.

And then he friend requests your hot best friend on Facebook and you want to stab his eyeballs out.

Douchebag.

my conversation with a six year old.

6yr old: "Why are you driving?"
Me: "Because I can."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "Because I was taught how."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "Because that's what happens when you turn 16."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "That's just the way life works."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "I dunno I don't make the rules kid."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "That's an excellent question."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "Please stop talking."
6YO: "But Whyyy?"
...

Never stop asking questions :)

Love,
Jessi

humans need to treat humans like humans.

i am so tired of people caring so much about themselves and their own feelings and their own pride that they sacrifice the feelings of others to keep themselves from getting hurt. 

what. the fuck. is that.

(and excuse my language in these last few posts kids. i do apologize. but i am so angry right now.)

what is so wrong with honesty? can i ask that? where did it go? when did all this silly game playing become reality for us? and more importantly, when did it become more important than telling the truth??

i was talking to one of my guy friends the other day, venting about this douche that i've been quasi-dating for the last 3 months, who suddenly stopped talking to me and will not respond to my texts (i've sent two in the last week) or my phone call (i've called once. i too have pride).

here's basically how it went (i'm giving you the edited version):

Friend: He say anything else?

Me: Nope. I don't get it.

Friend: I dont think theres anything to get honestly...i think hes doing this whole borderline aloof, borderline retarded, borderline flaky thing on purpose. In other words, he's being irrational on purpose.

(Insert me getting pissed off here.)

Friend: His reasons for doing that, I can think of 2:

1) He does like you and thinks this makes you like him more, he thinks its a winning strategy, probably does work with some girls

2) He doesn't like you and hes trying to let you off easy in a way where he doesn't have to say it you just get kinda tired of it basically

 

(Insert me thinking, "People actually think this way outside of high school? Wait, people actually think this way ever??)

Friend continues: Your approach should be ignore him back and make no effort unless he makes an effort to see you. And if he makes little non committal statements/pointless small talk that does not lead to any sort of plans for doing things and being in each others' presence, ignore those. Dont engage in conversation. Just to prove my application is right...

 

If its case 1) He likes you: showing confused desperate interest always wondering what he's gonna do next will only put you in a position were he will do it more. Basically you're putting him into the position to just sit on his ass and watch you squirm in confusion because somewhere he learned this was a good strategy. If case 1 is true then ignoring him will likely change the dynamic. He no longer has the power to sit on his ass as you make effort - he has to make the effort.

 

If it's case 2) He doesn't like you: well, you should just ignore him for obvious reasons.

 

So ignore him for about three weeks and see what happens.

Me: Yeah no three weeks is too long. I need closure now. I do not want to sit around any more and wait for him to call me. That will drive me crazy.

Friend: Don't call him. Go run.

Me: Ew.

Friend: How long has it been?

Me: Five days.

Friend: Yeah you can't call him yet. You'll look dumb.

Me: I don't like this game.

I don't like this game because this game is stupid and unnecessary. If you know that I like you, then why would you play this hurtful game to get me to keep liking you? Do you really think that works? More importantly, why, if you really do like me, would you ever intentionally hurt me?

And then, of course, there is that other yucky option. You don't like me. You've been lying to me. Then why can't you at least have the decency to tell me that? I at least deserve that.

And you know what? The part that really sucks is that I knew it wasn't gonna work. I knew it. I mean I wasn't ready to give up yet, cause I'm stubborn as hell. But if you would have just talked to me, like the human that I am, I would have understood, and maybe we would be friends. But now I am going to dislike you for the rest of my life and remember you as yet another douche on this planet who cares more about his ego than anything else. And that really sucks. Cause you promised you weren't a douche. You promised.

i hate this year.

i hate everything about it. i hate people who make me feel like shit. i hate that i live with my parents. i hate that i'm always broke and can't do anything about it. i hate that there is nothing i want to do. i hate this town. i hate feeling. i hate everything. and i hate that i hate everything. i fucking hate it.

how laziness killed my soul.

It's one hundred and seventy six days later and I am still living with my parents. This was not the plan kids.

The plan, if you recall, was to move home in December from my whirlwind adventure in New York, get a job, save some money, move into a cute little house, buy a new car, and start my wonderful new single life doing something I love and being stress free.

Epic fail.

I still have no money even though I work 50 hours a week. Too much debt. My online vintage shop is going no where, not that I put any time into it...of course it's going no where. The photography thing isn't quite working out either. Also, no time and no money. Oh, and the cabin I was supposed to have built by now? Uh huh. That happened. Have you ever tried to cut down a tree? Have you ever tried to cut down a tree when it's 800 degrees outside? Didn't think so.

The worst part is I don't know how to get out of this place I'm in. I feel so stuck. Sometimes I feel like I have these wonderful dreams but I can't do anything about them. I love being a dreamer, but I hate being a dreamer who can't do. So frustrating.

The worst part is I don't even have the motivation to fix it. How do you find motivation? I mean I know if I work hard enough, I could probably pay off my debt and do all of the things I want to do. Hell, if I had started in January I would probably almost be at that point now.

I've realized that over the last 3 or 4 years I've always had someone holding me up, and I think I've grown so used to that that I don't know how to be independent anymore. Well, not really independent...more like I don't know how to push myself anymore. I just sit idly by and watch my life go on while nothing changes (well, except I look older. Awesome). I was so craving rest, but I think I've taken it too far. I've become lazy. And laziness will kill your soul methinks.

Where did the hard worker in me go? Was she killed by disappointment? Heartbreak? Finding out there was no Santa Claus? (Those are really all the same I guess.) It seems the most valuable thing I've learned this year is that if you lower your expectations you'll never be disappointed. People can only hurt you if you give them the power to, and that includes yourself. I used to expect so much out of myself. Make straight A's so I could be valedictorian, get into college and graduate Summa Cum Laude while building my impressive resume, which was really just for my prideful self cause all I really wanted was to find the love of my life and have beautiful babies until my ovaries dried up. Everything was going fine until the love part. That's where I lost my control.

And where I decided to stop caring I guess. Except I do care. I think I established that.It just sucks sometimes. I miss my naive optimistic hardworking self. Who believed there was something out there worth hoping for.

I mean she's still in there. It's just been harder to be her lately. That's all I'm sayin.

go ahead.

Please, one more person tell me about your high expectations for me. While your at it, please shoot me in the face.

You know what? I have no life goals. None. At least not right now. So please don't tell me how great I am, and what good I am going to do in this world, and what a wonderful person I am. It is just too much pressure. And I will fail. And I don't want to fail. Because I want to make you proud. I want everyone to like me, and I want everyone to be proud of me. And again, that is a lot of pressure.

I put on this whole thing about how I don't care what people think of me, but it just isn't true. It's not. I want you to like me. All of you. And when I tell you I don't care, it is a lie. I care a lot. And I try really hard. Like, really hard. To be good, to be pretty, to be like-able. To be happy. And when you have to try that hard, it makes you wonder if you really are those things. 

And I don't want to have to wonder. Sweet Jesus, I am so tired of wondering all.the.time. What the hell am I doing here? I have done nothing. And I have nothing to do. Nothing to do and nothing to say. I am completely useless. I mean I know that isn't true, I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself or anything. But really, what am I doing? I work at the mall and I play with chickens at my parents' house. And watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager, which is a terrible show by the way, don't watch it. Ever. (I've watched 5 seasons of it - I would say I want those 60 hours of my life back, but I mean, what was I doing with my life anyway that would be any better?)

I had a plan. But then I shot it to hell. I mean it obviously wasn't the plan for me, so I guess that's ok. But I've never not had a plan before. I've had a plan since I was in kindergarten. WHO SAID MY PLAN WAS NOT GOING TO WORK? Cause I sure did not. It was supposed to work. I really really wanted it to work. I don't know how to do this thing without a plan. I feel like I'm not getting anything done. I have no list of things to do, nothing to check off to feel accomplished. And no motivation to make another list. I just want to live life, but then I bitch about the way I'm living. I am so annoying. I can barely handle being around myself these days.

Maybe someone really should shoot me in the face. Ha. That was a joke.

Ok. Enough. So how was your day?

it's true!

(via http://neverforgetyouu.tumblr.com)

Love,

Jessi

the only thing that counts...

is faith expressing itself through love.


do it.


love,
jessi

this is it.

Here it is, kids. I have discovered the meaning of life. Here is what I want to do:

House by the Side of the Road
by Sam Walter Foss


There are hermit souls that live withdrawn
In the place of their self-content;
There are souls like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze the paths
Where highways never ran-
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.


Let me live in a house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by-
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner's seat
Nor hurl the cynic's ban-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.


I see from my house by the side of the road
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife,
But I turn not away from their smiles and tears,
Both parts of an infinite plan-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.


I know there are brook-gladdened meadows ahead,
And mountains of wearisome height;
That the road passes on through the long afternoon
And stretches away to the night.
And still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice
And weep with the strangers that moan,
Nor live in my house by the side of the road
Like a man who dwells alone.


Let me live in my house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by-
They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish - so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat,
Or hurl the cynic's ban?
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

even when life totally sucks...

...know that God is with you. Take it from Job:


"God alienated my family from me;
everyone who knows me avoids me.
My relatives and friends have all left;
houseguests forget I ever existed.
The servant girls treat me like a bum off the street,
look at me like they've never seen me before.
I call my attendant and he ignores me,
ignores me even though I plead with him.
My wife can't stand to be around me anymore.
I'm repulsive to my family.
Even street urchins despise me;
when I come out, they taunt and jeer.
Everyone I've ever been close to abhors me;
my dearest loved ones reject me.
I'm nothing but a bag of bones;
my life hangs by a thread...


...Still, I know that God lives—the One who gives me back my life—
and eventually he'll take his stand on earth.
And I'll see him—even though I get skinned alive!—
see God myself, with my very own eyes.
Oh, how I long for that day!"


Me too.


Love,
Jessi

it is a new year.

And it is going to be good. It has to be. I know it's a little late, but I have come up with a few resolutions, except these are more like life resolutions, not so much "new year's" resolutions. Here are the first three:


1. Enjoy a healthier lifestyle. 

Eating better obviously falls under this resolution, which is kind of being forced on me since my mom is on a no sugar, no bread diet. But my parents also have a garden and chickens, which means fresh veggies and eggs at my fingertips, which is kinda awesome.

This should be a piece of cake. (Not literally, of course.)


I would also like to be a bit more active. New York was great in a lot of ways, but one of it's greatest assets was the fact that it was a "walking city." Driving was stupid and pointless, really. Walking was the best mode of transportation, and it really made me feel great. I literally walked at least a couple of miles every day (except for those days when I stayed in bed all day eating family packs of Twizzlers and watching full seasons of Veronica Mars). I'm hoping to keep the walking thing up, though it's a bit hard when driving really is necessary. I mean, I now live way out in the country where it's a 15 minute drive to anything. Walking is out of the question. Maybe I should get a bike?

2. Get out of debt.

This one kind of speaks for itself. The burden of being in debt is starting to overwhelm me. I feel completely trapped. I can't go anywhere or do anything or buy anything without feeling the guilt of "Well I guess I'll just be making the minimum payment this month too." Yuck. Stupid credit cards. Student loan debt is a different story. I don't feel so bad about that...it was more of an investment. But credit card debt? Not a good idea. Once I'm out, I'm out. Never. Ever. Again.

3. Figure out what makes me happy and do it.

I believe we, every single one of us, were created, and in that creation was a purpose. I also believe that our Creator is good. Therefore, I believe our purpose is good. In us lies the ability to make a difference in this world. But I also believe that our Creator found joy in His purpose. And I think there is something to that. Maybe our purpose in itself doesn't have to change the world, but the joy it gives can certainly make a difference as well. The ability to find joy in what we do and what we ourselves create cannot be underestimated. That joy will motivate us and make us better people. If you do what you love, you will love what you do. That not only makes you a happier person, but it also makes the people around you happier. I say, let's create some happiness.


All that said, there are a lot of things that make me happy. One of those is old stuff. I love the story behind an  old photograph or a 50s prom dress or an old deck of cards. A flea market is my wonderland. So, my mom and I have put together a vintage shop on Etsy to share some of that joy. You can check it out here if you want. I'll be putting up lots of new finds over the next few days, so be sure to check back. In the meantime, what makes you happy?

Love,
Jessi