Like, if you bit into a lemonseed-stuffed olive and chased it with stale tonic, it still wouldn't come close to my level of utter disgusting bitterness.
I. do. not. like. it.
People make me maddddd. (Please read: Men make me madddddd.)
And that is not fair, I know. But why oh why do I keep getting so disappointed? Are my expectations too high? Am I being too dramatic? Do I over think things? Jump to conclusions? What is it?!? Surely you aren't all assholes. Surely. Right?
Is it too much to ask for a first kiss to be a first kiss? Is it ok that it does not lead to my horizontal orientation on your couch?
I'm sorry I feel like all I've been doing lately is complaining about the pathetic state of my love life. I do apologize. But it seems this year has just been the year for that. I sure do hope next year is better.
Here's my thing though...maybe you can relate. I love physical affection. It is my favorite. But it is also a big deal to me. Like, a really really really big deal. And although I have failed miserably at it, I truly believe that the level of physical intimacy in a relationship should match the level of emotional intimacy. Although I do it, I hate kissing people I'm not dating. I hate doing more than kissing with people I'm not dating. It makes me feel used and feel like I'm using the other person.
I have "saved myself" for marriage. That being said, I've done pretty much everything else. But here is what I hate: If I'm with a guy I like, but am not dating, and we start making out, and it leads to more than making out...you see where I'm going...what sucks is that when it's over it's like "Oh, well, there you go, I just gave you almost everything I can give you without being married to you...and we aren't even dating."
That makes me feel icky.
I want to build towards that. I want to feel safe with you first. I want to feel confident that you aren't just using me for this. I want what we are doing to be an accurate representation of how we feel about each other.
So far, I have not found anyone who is willing to wait for that. For me.
It makes me bitter. And it makes me take out my bitterness on all of mankind. I can't trust you if you even slightly resemble every other guy who has made me this way. I am sorry.
And of course, this thing is two sided. I do let it happen. I am to blame. But why, oh why, you dear little men, MUST YOU ALWAYS EXPECT US GIRLS TO TELL YOU WHEN TO STOP. Just. effing. don't. do. it.
I mean we are human. It feels good what you are doing there. It sure does. Sometimes it is difficult to tell you to stop. Especially if we like you. And want you to like us back.
So please, especially if you KNOW my background. If you KNOW my insecurities and my values...don't push me into something I'm not ready for. Don't be selfish. Care just a little. That's all I'm asking.
Love,
Jessi
