motivation

So I haven't written in a while. I hate that. I like to write. I want to write, but somehow, somewhere, I lost my motivation. What motivates you? What motivates me? What used to make me get up at 8:00 in the morning so that I would have time before class to go to Taylor's and read and write? Whatever it was, it's gone now. And I want it back.

Maybe frustration is stopping me. Frustration from my inability to clearly articualte my thoughts, my real thoughts. I can't get out in words the jumbled mess that has taken up residence in my mind. I can't get it out and that is frustrating. I want to be able to express what I think and feel. I want to be understood, but it seems like everytime I have something to say, I have no way to say it. Or maybe I'm frustrated because I don't finish what I start. Like remember that book I was writing? Yeah definitely haven't gotten too far on that. Practically nowhere. Again, I thought I had something worth saying, worth sharing with other people. I think everyone has a story worth sharing, and I really wanted to share mine. But it's just not happening.

And I want to play guitar more. I used to play everyday. Man I remember before I went to New Zealand I said I was going to write everyday and read and play guitar - like New Zealand was going to inspire me with its immense beauty, like I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to express myself creatively because of the creation around me. But instead I was nervous in my new surroundings, desperately trying to make new freinds and find my way around a new city/country/hemisphere. There was not much writing (but there was actually a lot of reading - I read all six of the Harry Potters, plus some Jane Austen, Nicholas Sparks, John Steinbeck, and Lord of the Rings).

So back to my point. Where did my motivation go? Is it hiding behind my "busy" schedule (which somehow still leaves time for hours of Gilmore Girls)? I think it's buried under my excuses. Like "I'm tired" or "I'll do it later" or "I have to finish this first." If I want to do it I'll do it. Motivation stems from passion and if I am really passionate about writing and studying the word of God then I will do it. There will be my motivation. It is a choice. It is a conscious effort. So there.

the world's attic

So I've decided that John Steinbeck is one of my favorite authors. I hesitate to say my most favorite, but I do love to read what he writes. This is a quote from The Winter of Our Discontent that has stuck with me, so I thought I would share:

I guess we're all, or most of us, the wards of that nineteenth-century science which denied existence to anything it could not measure or explain. The things we couldn't explain went right on but surely not with our blessing. We did not see what we couldn't explain, and meanwhile a great part of the world was abandoned to children, insane people, fools, and mystics, who were more interested in what is then in why it is. So many old and lovely things are stored in the world's attic, because we don't want them around and we don't dare throw them out.

Thoughts anyone?

So I desperately don't want to go to the rest of my classes today. It doesn't help that I have 15 minutes more to kill before my next class. It gives me time to make up excuses not to go.

1) She doesn't take role
2) Its a BEAUTIFUL day and I shouldn't be stuck inside for the next three hours
3) Everything she says comes straight from the book
4) I know how to read
5) In the class after that one, we just had a test, and he'll probably just talk about how we should have done better
6) I don't want to go to class
7) I don't learn anything in that class
8) I want to hang out with Kelly FLy


Ok, I'm not going to class.

You like how I did that don't ya?

my computer is dead and this makes me sad.

back to school, back to school, to prove to dad i am not a fool...

so its been a while since I've posted. thats probably because school is sucking the life out of me. ok so maybe that's a bit dramatic, but i mean really - since when is 15 hrs supposed to feel like 40? it probably doesn't help that I'm supposed to be in class right now - but that's not my fault...the transit was 20 minutes late and i didn't want to walk into class half way through it. oi.

i thought there were so many things i wanted to say, but now i can't think of anything. i'm sure it will all come to me the moment i step into my next class (stats lab) and then i won't be able to concentrate on what i'm supposed to be doing. story of my life. man, i am so negative. i need to work on that. there are a lot of things i need to work on. like how to have a life. well, so much for not being negative.

but really, what happened to the days of freshman and sophomore year when i would hang out with people every night and stay up way later than i should have? i had so much fun back then...and i even made good grades. oh well. life doesn't really suck or anything. i'm just being a bit nostalgic i guess. the other night i went through all of my old photo albums and watched a video i made of my last week in high school. pathetic, i know, but there are some things that i just miss. like the whole being a kid with no responsibility thing. and then of course there are things i don't miss...like being obnoxious and ridiculously needy.

but alas, it is time for class...hey that rhymed...maybe i should change my major again to english..ha ha..yeah right