Ah, reflection. Sucks doesn't it?
I think it's finally time, kids. Time for the quarter-life crisis. Oh that's supposed to happen when you turn twenty-five you say? Well, my life was awesome at twenty-five.
Life has its ups and downs, yes. Yes it does. But what do I do during the down time? I'm looking back at this last year of my life and there are few things I want to take from it. Few things I am proud of. That's a real first guys. I mean if I look at my first twenty-five years, I can honestly say I was proud overall. Maybe too proud. I mean I was valedictorian, went to college for something I loved and graduated Summa Cum Laude, then got not one but 3 jobs I adored helping people around the world. I went to 7 different countries, lived in one of them for a while, and got to make a difference in the lives of each one. Dudes, I lived in Harlem. Harlem.
Is it ok for me to say that I am terrified that the best years of my life are behind me?
Now surely that is not true. I am twenty-seven. God-willing, I have a good 50 years ahead of me, time to make a home and start a family, do some more good in the world. But right now it doesn't feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I moved back to my tiny hometown and I've spent the last year - 365 days - doing nothing but working a nowhere job at the mall and singing karaoke on Monday nights. Oh, and watching Netflix. So. much. Netflix.
Before last year, there were only two guys I had so much as held hands with. Now I've had dead-end relationships with guys I knew didn't give a shit and a handful of anonymous make-out sessions.
I stopped caring about myself somewhere.
It's like moving back home made me lose my direction. I can't remember my purpose, or if I even have one. I got a non-stressful, non-committal job on purpose. I date guys who don't love me on purpose. Because I am terrified if I do anything good on purpose, it'll be my fault when it fails. And I'm not sure I can handle another good thing failing on me.
There are so many beautiful things I want to do. But I have no idea how to do them.
Here's to hoping this year is better...
Love,
Jessi
