hurting those you love the most.

Do you do this too? Why?

I find it so much easier to hurt the people I love the most. How silly that it's the people I would gladly give my life for are the ones who receive my wrath more often than anyone else - or instead of anyone else.

I guess I assume they will always forgive me? But even so, why hurt them? When you love someone, aren't you supposed to will their highest good, and then help them achieve that good? So why instead do I insist on speaking out of anger and saying whatever it is that I am thinking when I KNOW it will hurt this person deeply? That is not love my friends. Not love.

But really is it just me or is anyone out there feeling like me too? Do I have another broken piece in my brain that forgets to tell me when I am saying awful things that no one should have to hear, especially the person that I love and who somehow loves me too even though I am the way that I am. I mean if anything, that person is demonstrating true love - being able to forgive constantly and love unconditionally. That's what Jesus teaches after all.

Ok I'm just ranting now. I just want to know how to fix it. I do not want to be the greatest source of pain for someone to whom I am supposed to be the greatest source of joy (second to the Lord, of course). But this is like a life-long struggle. So what do I do?

In the city.

Ok kids, it's time for the big update from New York! I am just now getting internet access, so sorry for the delay in communication.

I am living in this adorable apartment in Riverdale (SW Bronx) - pics coming soon - and I love it. For you Birminghamians, think Highlands area except New York style. A few blocks walk will take you to a "downtown" area where you can find a grocery store, CVS, and every type of ethnic food I could need (Mexican, Thai, Japanese, Sushi, Chinese, Italian, etc) all on one street!! Add streets of gold and I'm sure this is what heaven must be like.

I started my first week of work as well. I still don't have a desk or anything, but I've been getting acquainted with the people around me and what I'll be doing. Yeah I'm gonna be busy. Stephen, Taylor and 2 others are working on expanding the media for the missions department of Times Square Church. I am working as the "Project Manager" and will be connecting the missions logistic-heads with the media creative-heads. I am looking forward to being in a place where God has given me the skills to excel and be challenged at the same time.



I can't wait to share my stories with you! Stay tunes for more updates and lovely NY photos! (To see more of Stephen's photos, click here.)

love, jessi

And then there's that.

There is so much going on right now. SO much. And you know, I would really like to share those things with you, but I just don't even know where to start.

Ok let's start here. My good friend Roger is in Haiti right now. He landed in Port Au Prince hours before the earthquake hit. I can't be worried. We haven't heard anything from him, but I cannot worry. It just isn't in me. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but I literally don't even think there is a reason to worry. Is there something wrong with me? Is it a defense mechanism my heart puts up so that I don't have to think about the unimaginable? I dunno, but it's working.

He's probably there entertaining the scared kids. That is what he does, what he's good at. That's what he is there for anyway. To serve the people, especially the kids. Maybe his timing was, in fact, perfect. I just wish he could call us to let us know that.

And then there's New York. Did I tell you I was moving to New York? Yeah, on Saturday. This Saturday. Crazy. But again, no worry or apprehension, it's just right. It's normal, natural. I think maybe I am broken.

I mean I am human right?!? Isn't it our job to worry like all the time? Ok, I know it is good not to worry, that God calls us not to worry even, but is that ever really possible? What does it mean if you don't ever worry? Does that mean I don't care as much as other people? It's kinda starting to freak me out man.

On a side note, That 70s Show makes me feel better about life. If you are having a bad day, just watch the whole first season. No worries there for sure.

p.s. I just realized I am starting to worry about never worrying. Maybe I am human after all.

Oh forgetful heart

You know, your heart will forget things if you let it. Time may heal a broken one, to some extent, but it also may make the good times a bit foggy. Or make you forget why it wasn't right in the first place. Love forgotten is never good, no matter how it turned out in the end.

But as I have learned, forgetting is a whole lot easier than letting go. That part takes more strength than I have yet to know. To let go but not forget. That is so important if you ever want to learn from this. At the same time, love is not some evil thing put in this world to teach you a lesson. You are better because of it. And it is good to let go and not forget; love taught you that.

Because love, at least in the small way that I have known it, does not refuse to do good. And while love does not guarantee a happy heart, it does guarantee a good one.

Let's at least remember that.

Engagement Pics!

Yeah not mine :)

I had the honor of shooting an Engagement Session for my good friends Erin and Jonathan. Aren't they cute?!? Here are some of my faves:

Congratulations Jonathan and Erin! To see the full shoot, click here.

Choice and Fate

The debate on choice versus fate is as old as time. I hate making decisions and so the two have really meant the same thing to me - you can choose whatever you want, but what is meant to be will be. That's the safe answer, the easy answer, but is it truth? Or can our choices change our fate? What is fate anyway?

What about phrases like "I was meant to do this" or "They were meant to be together"? If that person had chosen differently then they would have been meant to do something else or be with someone else. So whatever we choose, that is what we were meant for?

That terrifies me.

Like I said, I hate making decisions. I avoid them at all costs. I don't make plans until the day of. I commit to nothing. Can we say issues?

So much seems to ride on every choice that we make. Our lifestyle, our career choice, our soulmate - we must make those decisions. And those are freakin big decisions.

I think this recent freak out moment comes due to my recent birthday. The big 2-5. Quarter of a freakin century. My choices really mean something now. I guess they always have, but they seem to have so much more weight now. Turns out growing up is tough junk.

So how do I know if I am making the right decision? How do I know that the right choice is still yet to come? What if I want this now, but it's only a want, and not right? How do I know what's really truly right? I want to trust that the Lord has my junk under control. But sweet mercy, He still makes me make the choice.

My analytical skills obviously get in my way sometimes. I should just go where my heart takes me right? Because if my heart is in God's heart, then my wants are His wants. Right?!?

This is too much to think about at midnight. I just want to make good choices. And I want to know that I've made good choices.

A very good friend told me that sometimes you just have to make a choice and then own it. Maybe that's the key. You make a choice and own that choice and it will be blessed. I believe that God is big enough to bless the choices that we make even if we don't make great ones. I do believe that. At least I believe that.

it is time to let go of fear.

here is what i read today. maybe it will help you too.

If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.'

-Psalm 91:9-16

as surely as i know thee...

thou art good.