trusting without blessing.

I'm not sure if I really trust God. Is it ok to say that out loud? I mean I say that I do, and I feel like I do...but I dunno. I read this little excerpt on utmost.org this morning (devotional thing taken from Oswald Chamber's book "My Utmost for His Highest") and I think it's messed up my entire perspective on life.

How are we going to get a life that has no lust, no self-interest, and is not sensitive to the ridicule of others? How will we have the type of love that “is kind . . . is not provoked, [and] thinks no evil”? (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). The only way is by allowing nothing of the old life to remain, and by having only simple, perfect trust in God— such a trust that we no longer want God’s blessings, but only want God Himself.

I cannot imagine not wanting God's blessing, to be honest. I think that is part of what makes Him God to me, and that's a little scary. Because my whole point here in this little life of mine is to live a good life and to love people, but I need God to do that. Because He is the source of goodness and love. I at least know that much. But to only want Him? To want Him alone and none of the perks that come along with knowing Him? That's hard to swallow.

To have simple, perfect trust in God - such a trust that we no longer want God's blessing, but only want God Himself.


That is the mark of a totally surrendered, loving, unselfish person. It is. When we can do that, we can love. We can love because we don't want anything in return. We can be goodness. 


It's so funny that I am currently reading Job right now too. I mean this guy was totally devout. Totally trusted God. And then his home, his servants, his children and his health were taken from him. He no longer had any of the blessings of God. But God was still God. He is still the Creator of the universe. He is still the source of all things good and He, above all else, is holy and all deserving of praise. Even if we don't have breath in us to praise.


I'm really not sure if I could be like Job. And honestly, I really hope I never have to find out.

i am becoming a girl.

You know how when you get older you're supposed to mature and stuff - become a woman, etc? Yeah, not so much with me; at least, not anymore. I used to pride myself on not being much of a girly girl. I went through my "everything-has-to-be-pink" phase in high school when I wanted boys to like me (p.s., didn't work), but now I'm more of a tom-boy. My favorite color is green. I like to get sweaty and dirty after working in the yard all day (or at least, I think I do. I don't actually have a yard to speak of...) My point is, I keep telling everyone that I hate glittery, girly, froofy things. And then I started wedding planning.

Now I want tulle. And more tulle. I want ballgowns and ballet slippers and wildflowers and candlelight. The more froof the better. It's like I'm becoming that little girl again that just wanted to be a pretty princess when I grew up. It's true. I mean I seriously want my flower girls to look like this:


(Photo Credit: Picotte Photography via stylemepretty.com)


Heck, I want to look like that.

What has happened to me?!?

diversion.

|diˈvər zh ən; dī-|
noun
1 an instance of turning something aside from its course





































I am easily distracted. Some people may like to call it "free-spirited," but, sorry, no. For example, while writing this post I YET AGAIN changed my blog colors. (but I will stick with this for a while. I promise. You guys probably don't even recognize me anymore...). Ok you get my point.

New projects are rarely finished, even though it drives me crazy to not finish something. I go shopping for ties with my fiancee and get distracted by the pretty shoes (p.s. my fiancee does not love shopping with me).

Sometimes I lose my course...Sometimes I drift over to the other side of where I should be. And I don't mean just at the mall.

It is so hard to keep going sometimes. Especially when I'm unsure of where exactly I'm supposed to be going. I know I have a purpose, and I know that I am here to do good and be good and show others that goodness. But holy hell sometimes I just want to hit people.

Do you realize that Jesus was never diverted? Never. I mean he was God, but he was also a man, on Earth, and there are so many ways to be diverted. But he never erred. He just kept walking. Straight to His purpose.

How do we imitate that??

It still baffles me. I really do want to be good. And I want to get to where I'm going in a timely fashion. But I also want to make Him proud of how I got there.

How do we walk this life, straight to our purpose, without the meaningless distractions? And without hitting people? Anyone?

giving when you have little to give.

When I was in Kenya, one of the things that really struck me (and convicted me, to be honest) was the generosity I encountered from those who had the least. Kenyan women would come out of their mud huts with tea and bread to offer us when we came to visit. Always. Sometime they even served us full meals. And they acted as if it was an honor to give what little they had to serve someone else. How I wish I could be more like them...










Photos courtesy of my very talented fiancee. To see more photos from my trip to Kenya, check out Bedouins International's sets on Flickr here and here.

good people (not the beer).

Meet Calla Maria and her lovely family.



Calla Maria was one of my besties in college and I think I am much the better for it. She taught me how to go on spontaneous road trips and to love the color green. I miss her dearly. She lives in Portland, Oregon now with her sweet-as-pie husband and gorgeous children. I took some photos of them last year when they were in Ft. Lauderdale, just for funsies. She is also going to be one of my maids when I get hitched in March! I am most certainly looking forward to seeing her again. Love you Calla Maria!

and this is why i love him.

cause he's an awesome photographer and will probably be rich and famous AND he makes me pretty.

haha. just kidding. kinda.

See that look in the last photo? Yea, that's about when he told me to look for the Kookaburra.

i cannot talk so i shall WRITE!

I know, crazy, I'm blogging. It seems I've been a bit sidetracked lately, what with GETTING ENGAGED and all. I apologize. I also have this strange throat sickness that left me unmotivated to do anything but lay in bed all day (literally. 14 hours.) and watch Veronica Mars. I am now on Season 3 and I [heart] Logan. (Don't tell Stephen.)

So yeah because of the throat sickness I lost my voice. I now have that sexy phlegmy man voice that made Phoebe a rock star.

Anyway, this whole getting engaged thing has been a roller coaster. I feel like a grown up, or at least that I 'm supposed to be a grown up. There are all of these new and terrifying questions. Like, I have a fancy ring on my finger for the first time ever - should I be getting manicures now too? And, apparently setting our wedding date also means we have set the consummation date - does this mean I have to go to the GYNO?!?

Ugh, growing up is scaaaarryy.

It's worse than ball pits.



And clowns.



(I know, right?!?)

Help.

But you know, there's also the fun and exciting part. I mean, I have a fancy ring on my finger, and hello, consummation here I come! But let's get real here kids. Why doesn't anyone ever talk about the scary parts too? I feel like I am the only bride-to-be ever who has ever been scared ever of getting married and growing up. I mean I love my fiancee. And I love my life. But is it ok to be scared? Or I guess what I'm really trying to say is, am I evil for seeing a scary side too?

dun dun duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh...

So this is what I did on Friday:

My sly little boyfriend took me on a surprise date to Central Park. He bought me some beautiful little daisies and brought his camera (cause he's a photographer and loves what he does). We frolicked around the park for a while and took photos and it was so fun.

Then we stopped at this little boat rental place and he rented a little row boat (!!!) so that we could paddle across the lake and be so cute (do you know what's coming yet? cause I sure didn't). He paddled us over to the big tree and then started making a big deal about all of the animals..."Hey Jess, look at that turtle way over there"..."Hey look at that Kookaburra up in that tree." I'm like "Where?!?"

I look down at Stephen and he is holding both of my hands and looking at me in a way he's never quite looked at me before. He starts telling me how much he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And then he slips this guy on my left ring finger:

It is so pretty.

Oh yeah, I said yes.

p.s. Kookaburras only live in Australia.

I love you Stephen!!! Thanks for picking me!!!!