to grow to learn to love to live...

ok. let's think about what you've done.

2012-01-23T15:12:00.001-06:00

Ah, reflection. Sucks doesn't it?

I think it's finally time, kids. Time for the quarter-life crisis. Oh that's supposed to happen when you turn twenty-five you say? Well, my life was awesome at twenty-five.

Life has its ups and downs, yes. Yes it does. But what do I do during the down time? I'm looking back at this last year of my life and there are few things I want to take from it. Few things I am proud of. That's a real first guys. I mean if I look at my first twenty-five years, I can honestly say I was proud overall. Maybe too proud. I mean I was valedictorian, went to college for something I loved and graduated Summa Cum Laude, then got not one but 3 jobs I adored helping people around the world. I went to 7 different countries, lived in one of them for a while, and got to make a difference in the lives of each one. Dudes, I lived in Harlem. Harlem.

Is it ok for me to say that I am terrified that the best years of my life are behind me?

Now surely that is not true. I am twenty-seven. God-willing, I have a good 50 years ahead of me, time to make a home and start a family, do some more good in the world. But right now it doesn't feel like I'm heading in the right direction. I moved back to my tiny hometown and I've spent the last year - 365 days - doing nothing but working a nowhere job at the mall and singing karaoke on Monday nights. Oh, and watching Netflix. So. much. Netflix.

Before last year, there were only two guys I had so much as held hands with. Now I've had dead-end relationships with guys I knew didn't give a shit and a handful of anonymous make-out sessions.

I stopped caring about myself somewhere.

It's like moving back home made me lose my direction. I can't remember my purpose, or if I even have one. I got a non-stressful, non-committal job on purpose. I date guys who don't love me on purpose. Because I am terrified if I do anything good on purpose, it'll be my fault when it fails. And I'm not sure I can handle another good thing failing on me.

There are so many beautiful things I want to do. But I have no idea how to do them.

Here's to hoping this year is better...

Love,
Jessi

i. am. so. bitter.

2011-12-06T22:46:00.000-06:00

Like, if you bit into a lemonseed-stuffed olive and chased it with stale tonic, it still wouldn't come close to my level of utter disgusting bitterness.

I. do. not. like. it.

People make me maddddd. (Please read: Men make me madddddd.)

And that is not fair, I know. But why oh why do I keep getting so disappointed? Are my expectations too high? Am I being too dramatic? Do I over think things? Jump to conclusions? What is it?!? Surely you aren't all assholes. Surely. Right?

Is it too much to ask for a first kiss to be a first kiss? Is it ok that it does not lead to my horizontal orientation on your couch?

I'm sorry I feel like all I've been doing lately is complaining about the pathetic state of my love life. I do apologize. But it seems this year has just been the year for that. I sure do hope next year is better.

Here's my thing though...maybe you can relate. I love physical affection. It is my favorite. But it is also a big deal to me. Like, a really really really big deal. And although I have failed miserably at it, I truly believe that the level of physical intimacy in a relationship should match the level of emotional intimacy. Although I do it, I hate kissing people I'm not dating. I hate doing more than kissing with people I'm not dating. It makes me feel used and feel like I'm using the other person.

I have "saved myself" for marriage. That being said, I've done pretty much everything else. But here is what I hate: If I'm with a guy I like, but am not dating, and we start making out, and it leads to more than making out...you see where I'm going...what sucks is that when it's over it's like "Oh, well, there you go, I just gave you almost everything I can give you without being married to you...and we aren't even dating."

That makes me feel icky.

I want to build towards that. I want to feel safe with you first. I want to feel confident that you aren't just using me for this. I want what we are doing to be an accurate representation of how we feel about each other.

So far, I have not found anyone who is willing to wait for that. For me.

It makes me bitter. And it makes me take out my bitterness on all of mankind. I can't trust you if you even slightly resemble every other guy who has made me this way. I am sorry.

And of course, this thing is two sided. I do let it happen. I am to blame. But why, oh why, you dear little men, MUST YOU ALWAYS EXPECT US GIRLS TO TELL YOU WHEN TO STOP. Just. effing. don't. do. it.

I mean we are human. It feels good what you are doing there. It sure does. Sometimes it is difficult to tell you to stop. Especially if we like you. And want you to like us back.

So please, especially if you KNOW my background. If you KNOW my insecurities and my values...don't push me into something I'm not ready for. Don't be selfish. Care just a little. That's all I'm asking.

Love,

Jessi

i know you care.

2011-08-31T20:01:00.000-05:00

I just hit 300 followers! Wahoo! Except I don't know who the f most of you are. Booo. So let's play a little game. I'm gonna ask 10 questions, that I'm sure you were dying to know about me, and then answer them.Then (here's the fun part) you comment back with the same 10 questions with your own answers! Aww, we're gonna be friends!

What do you want to be when you grow up (even if it's outside the realm of "the possible")? A mommy, writer, singer, friend, lover...not necessarily in that order.

What is the first thing you do when you get off work? Take off my pants. Duh.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Somewhere over the rainbow. Seems like a nice place.

If you could have any pet what would you have? A unicorn. Again I say duh.

Name 3 things that scare you. a) Clowns b) Falling off a cliff c) Falling in love

Name 3 things that make you happy. a) Seahorses b) Seth Cohen c) Falling in love (yes, yes I am a box of contradictions. I'm a girl, it's my right.)

Name a memory that sticks out vividly in your mind. Does seeing the last Harry Potter count? Maybe not...how about my high school graduation. I vividly remember standing there after the ceremony and looking around at everyone hugging...and thinking "Holy shit I have to grow up now."

What are you most proud of? I honestly have no idea. Maybe that I've still got my V card? I know that sounds weird. But I'm really glad I can say that I've never given that part of me to someone who didn't love me or who I didn't love. I can still give that to my husband, and I will be able to say "Hey, I saved this for you. No one else got to have this, and I want you to have it forever." I like that. I want that. It has been a long 26 years though...

What do you most regret? Breaking someone's heart. I know how it feels now, and I am so so sorry I did it to someone else.

What would be your life's theme song? MMMBop. That pretty much says it all.

i mean they make insecticide, why not douchebagacide??

2011-08-27T23:13:00.000-05:00

Why are people so effing mean? I can't get over it. How can you purposefully hurt someone? Ever? I literally don't comprehend this whole douchebag phenomenon. Maybe it's because I never really dated in high school or college, and the first guy I dated happened to be my best friend too, so I've been a bit sheltered. All this time I thought I was missing out on something fun, but dear sweet Lord, dating sucks.

It's like you take this thing, let's call it your HEART, and you let someone borrow it for a second, except he doesn't really care about it, cause well, he doesn't care about you (even though he tells you he does, let's call that LYING), and so he accidentally leaves it out in the rain and forgets about it. And so it rots and dies and becomes this black hard decaying thing. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

Except it does hurt. But it hurts so bad that you don't want it to hurt, so you pretend that it doesn't hurt. And you don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt you, cause that would just hurt even more. Especially since you know that you didn't have the ability to hurt him. And really you're glad you didn't hurt him, because what sucks more than anything else in the entire world is that you actually cared about him. You never wanted to hurt him.

And then he friend requests your hot best friend on Facebook and you want to stab his eyeballs out.

Douchebag.

my conversation with a six year old.

2011-08-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

6yr old: "Why are you driving?"
Me: "Because I can."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "Because I was taught how."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "Because that's what happens when you turn 16."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "That's just the way life works."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "I dunno I don't make the rules kid."
6YO: "Why?"
Me: "That's an excellent question."
6YO: "How come?"
Me: "Please stop talking."
6YO: "But Whyyy?"
...

Never stop asking questions :)

Love,
Jessi

humans need to treat humans like humans.

2011-07-27T23:45:00.000-05:00

i am so tired of people caring so much about themselves and their own feelings and their own pride that they sacrifice the feelings of others to keep themselves from getting hurt.

what. the fuck. is that.

(and excuse my language in these last few posts kids. i do apologize. but i am so angry right now.)

what is so wrong with honesty? can i ask that? where did it go? when did all this silly game playing become reality for us? and more importantly, when did it become more important than telling the truth??

i was talking to one of my guy friends the other day, venting about this douche that i've been quasi-dating for the last 3 months, who suddenly stopped talking to me and will not respond to my texts (i've sent two in the last week) or my phone call (i've called once. i too have pride).

here's basically how it went (i'm giving you the edited version):

Friend: He say anything else?

Me: Nope. I don't get it.

Friend: I dont think theres anything to get honestly...i think hes doing this whole borderline aloof, borderline retarded, borderline flaky thing on purpose. In other words, he's being irrational on purpose.

(Insert me getting pissed off here.)

Friend: His reasons for doing that, I can think of 2:
1) He does like you and thinks this makes you like him more, he thinks its a winning strategy, probably does work with some girls
2) He doesn't like you and hes trying to let you off easy in a way where he doesn't have to say it you just get kinda tired of it basically

(Insert me thinking, "People actually think this way outside of high school? Wait, people actually think this way ever??)

Friend continues: Your approach should be ignore him back and make no effort unless he makes an effort to see you. And if he makes little non committal statements/pointless small talk that does not lead to any sort of plans for doing things and being in each others' presence, ignore those. Dont engage in conversation. Just to prove my application is right...

If its case 1) He likes you: showing confused desperate interest always wondering what he's gonna do next will only put you in a position were he will do it more. Basically you're putting him into the position to just sit on his ass and watch you squirm in confusion because somewhere he learned this was a good strategy. If case 1 is true then ignoring him will likely change the dynamic. He no longer has the power to sit on his ass as you make effort - he has to make the effort.

If it's case 2) He doesn't like you: well, you should just ignore him for obvious reasons.

So ignore him for about three weeks and see what happens.

Me: Yeah no three weeks is too long. I need closure now. I do not want to sit around any more and wait for him to call me. That will drive me crazy.

Friend: Don't call him. Go run.

Me: Ew.

Friend: How long has it been?

Me: Five days.

Friend: Yeah you can't call him yet. You'll look dumb.

Me: I don't like this game.

I don't like this game because this game is stupid and unnecessary. If you know that I like you, then why would you play this hurtful game to get me to keep liking you? Do you really think that works? More importantly, why, if you really do like me, would you ever intentionally hurt me?

And then, of course, there is that other yucky option. You don't like me. You've been lying to me. Then why can't you at least have the decency to tell me that? I at least deserve that.

And you know what? The part that really sucks is that I knew it wasn't gonna work. I knew it. I mean I wasn't ready to give up yet, cause I'm stubborn as hell. But if you would have just talked to me, like the human that I am, I would have understood, and maybe we would be friends. But now I am going to dislike you for the rest of my life and remember you as yet another douche on this planet who cares more about his ego than anything else. And that really sucks. Cause you promised you weren't a douche. You promised.

i hate this year.

2011-07-26T23:42:00.001-05:00

i hate everything about it. i hate people who make me feel like shit. i hate that i live with my parents. i hate that i'm always broke and can't do anything about it. i hate that there is nothing i want to do. i hate this town. i hate feeling. i hate everything. and i hate that i hate everything. i fucking hate it.

how laziness killed my soul.

2011-06-07T20:11:00.000-05:00

It's one hundred and seventy six days later and I am still living with my parents. This was not the plan kids.

The plan, if you recall, was to move home in December from my whirlwind adventure in New York, get a job, save some money, move into a cute little house, buy a new car, and start my wonderful new single life doing something I love and being stress free.

Epic fail.

I still have no money even though I work 50 hours a week. Too much debt. My online vintage shop is going no where, not that I put any time into it...of course it's going no where. The photography thing isn't quite working out either. Also, no time and no money. Oh, and the cabin I was supposed to have built by now? Uh huh. That happened. Have you ever tried to cut down a tree? Have you ever tried to cut down a tree when it's 800 degrees outside? Didn't think so.

The worst part is I don't know how to get out of this place I'm in. I feel so stuck. Sometimes I feel like I have these wonderful dreams but I can't do anything about them. I love being a dreamer, but I hate being a dreamer who can't do. So frustrating.

The worst part is I don't even have the motivation to fix it. How do you find motivation? I mean I know if I work hard enough, I could probably pay off my debt and do all of the things I want to do. Hell, if I had started in January I would probably almost be at that point now.

I've realized that over the last 3 or 4 years I've always had someone holding me up, and I think I've grown so used to that that I don't know how to be independent anymore. Well, not really independent...more like I don't know how to push myself anymore. I just sit idly by and watch my life go on while nothing changes (well, except I look older. Awesome). I was so craving rest, but I think I've taken it too far. I've become lazy. And laziness will kill your soul methinks.

Where did the hard worker in me go? Was she killed by disappointment? Heartbreak? Finding out there was no Santa Claus? (Those are really all the same I guess.) It seems the most valuable thing I've learned this year is that if you lower your expectations you'll never be disappointed. People can only hurt you if you give them the power to, and that includes yourself. I used to expect so much out of myself. Make straight A's so I could be valedictorian, get into college and graduate Summa Cum Laude while building my impressive resume, which was really just for my prideful self cause all I really wanted was to find the love of my life and have beautiful babies until my ovaries dried up. Everything was going fine until the love part. That's where I lost my control.

And where I decided to stop caring I guess. Except I do care. I think I established that.It just sucks sometimes. I miss my naive optimistic hardworking self. Who believed there was something out there worth hoping for.

I mean she's still in there. It's just been harder to be her lately. That's all I'm sayin.

go ahead.

2011-04-02T01:07:00.000-05:00

Please, one more person tell me about your high expectations for me. While your at it, please shoot me in the face.

You know what? I have no life goals. None. At least not right now. So please don't tell me how great I am, and what good I am going to do in this world, and what a wonderful person I am. It is just too much pressure. And I will fail. And I don't want to fail. Because I want to make you proud. I want everyone to like me, and I want everyone to be proud of me. And again, that is a lot of pressure.

I put on this whole thing about how I don't care what people think of me, but it just isn't true. It's not. I want you to like me. All of you. And when I tell you I don't care, it is a lie. I care a lot. And I try really hard. Like, really hard. To be good, to be pretty, to be like-able. To be happy. And when you have to try that hard, it makes you wonder if you really are those things.

And I don't want to have to wonder. Sweet Jesus, I am so tired of wondering all.the.time. What the hell am I doing here? I have done nothing. And I have nothing to do. Nothing to do and nothing to say. I am completely useless. I mean I know that isn't true, I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself or anything. But really, what am I doing? I work at the mall and I play with chickens at my parents' house. And watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager, which is a terrible show by the way, don't watch it. Ever. (I've watched 5 seasons of it - I would say I want those 60 hours of my life back, but I mean, what was I doing with my life anyway that would be any better?)

I had a plan. But then I shot it to hell. I mean it obviously wasn't the plan for me, so I guess that's ok. But I've never not had a plan before. I've had a plan since I was in kindergarten. WHO SAID MY PLAN WAS NOT GOING TO WORK? Cause I sure did not. It was supposed to work. I really really wanted it to work. I don't know how to do this thing without a plan. I feel like I'm not getting anything done. I have no list of things to do, nothing to check off to feel accomplished. And no motivation to make another list. I just want to live life, but then I bitch about the way I'm living. I am so annoying. I can barely handle being around myself these days.

Maybe someone really should shoot me in the face. Ha. That was a joke.

Ok. Enough. So how was your day?

it's true!

2011-01-22T11:05:00.001-06:00

(via http://neverforgetyouu.tumblr.com)

Love,

Jessi

the only thing that counts...

2011-01-20T12:46:00.002-06:00

is faith expressing itself through love.

do it.

love,
jessi

this is it.

2011-01-18T12:01:00.001-06:00

Here it is, kids. I have discovered the meaning of life. Here is what I want to do:

House by the Side of the Road
by Sam Walter Foss

There are hermit souls that live withdrawn
In the place of their self-content;
There are souls like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze the paths
Where highways never ran-
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Let me live in a house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by-
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner's seat
Nor hurl the cynic's ban-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I see from my house by the side of the road
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife,
But I turn not away from their smiles and tears,
Both parts of an infinite plan-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I know there are brook-gladdened meadows ahead,
And mountains of wearisome height;
That the road passes on through the long afternoon
And stretches away to the night.
And still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice
And weep with the strangers that moan,
Nor live in my house by the side of the road
Like a man who dwells alone.

Let me live in my house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by-
They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish - so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat,
Or hurl the cynic's ban?
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

even when life totally sucks...

2011-01-12T11:03:00.000-06:00

...know that God is with you. Take it from Job:

"God alienated my family from me;
everyone who knows me avoids me.
My relatives and friends have all left;
houseguests forget I ever existed.
The servant girls treat me like a bum off the street,
look at me like they've never seen me before.
I call my attendant and he ignores me,
ignores me even though I plead with him.
My wife can't stand to be around me anymore.
I'm repulsive to my family.
Even street urchins despise me;
when I come out, they taunt and jeer.
Everyone I've ever been close to abhors me;
my dearest loved ones reject me.
I'm nothing but a bag of bones;
my life hangs by a thread...

...Still, I know that God lives—the One who gives me back my life—
and eventually he'll take his stand on earth.
And I'll see him—even though I get skinned alive!—
see God myself, with my very own eyes.
Oh, how I long for that day!"

Me too.

Love,
Jessi

it is a new year.

2011-01-06T13:10:00.000-06:00

And it is going to be good. It has to be. I know it's a little late, but I have come up with a few resolutions, except these are more like life resolutions, not so much "new year's" resolutions. Here are the first three:

1. Enjoy a healthier lifestyle.

Eating better obviously falls under this resolution, which is kind of being forced on me since my mom is on a no sugar, no bread diet. But my parents also have a garden and chickens, which means fresh veggies and eggs at my fingertips, which is kinda awesome.

This should be a piece of cake. (Not literally, of course.)

I would also like to be a bit more active. New York was great in a lot of ways, but one of it's greatest assets was the fact that it was a "walking city." Driving was stupid and pointless, really. Walking was the best mode of transportation, and it really made me feel great. I literally walked at least a couple of miles every day (except for those days when I stayed in bed all day eating family packs of Twizzlers and watching full seasons of Veronica Mars). I'm hoping to keep the walking thing up, though it's a bit hard when driving really is necessary. I mean, I now live way out in the country where it's a 15 minute drive to anything. Walking is out of the question. Maybe I should get a bike?

2. Get out of debt.

This one kind of speaks for itself. The burden of being in debt is starting to overwhelm me. I feel completely trapped. I can't go anywhere or do anything or buy anything without feeling the guilt of "Well I guess I'll just be making the minimum payment this month too." Yuck. Stupid credit cards. Student loan debt is a different story. I don't feel so bad about that...it was more of an investment. But credit card debt? Not a good idea. Once I'm out, I'm out. Never. Ever. Again.

3. Figure out what makes me happy and do it.

I believe we, every single one of us, were created, and in that creation was a purpose. I also believe that our Creator is good. Therefore, I believe our purpose is good. In us lies the ability to make a difference in this world. But I also believe that our Creator found joy in His purpose. And I think there is something to that. Maybe our purpose in itself doesn't have to change the world, but the joy it gives can certainly make a difference as well. The ability to find joy in what we do and what we ourselves create cannot be underestimated. That joy will motivate us and make us better people. If you do what you love, you will love what you do. That not only makes you a happier person, but it also makes the people around you happier. I say, let's create some happiness.

All that said, there are a lot of things that make me happy. One of those is old stuff. I love the story behind an old photograph or a 50s prom dress or an old deck of cards. A flea market is my wonderland. So, my mom and I have put together a vintage shop on Etsy to share some of that joy. You can check it out here if you want. I'll be putting up lots of new finds over the next few days, so be sure to check back. In the meantime, what makes you happy?

Love,
Jessi

i saw every. single. mile. :)

2010-12-20T10:36:00.001-06:00

Packing up your life and moving back in with your parents after living in New York City is not the easiest thing for a "grown-up" (and I use that term loosely) to do. But alas, my time in The Big Apple is over, at least for now, and the door to my parents' home was really the only open one I had left to go through. I do know how blessed I am to have a home to go back to, of course, but I must say it is a bit strange coming back. And a bit hilarious since my 23 year old brother has also moved back. It's like the good old days...except we call each other more sophisticated names than "poop-face" (most of the time).

So anyway, I made it! It was a long, fabulous journey home. I think Virginia is my new favorite state. It was full of snow-topped rolling hills and old wooden farmhouses. I loved driving through. I loved seeing everything in between here and there. But now it's so strange to be back here. New York feels like a dream. This last year feels like a dream. My future feels like a dream. I have no idea where I am headed and that is both terrifying and exhilarating.

Here is what i do know though: I will learn how to build a cabin this year. My parents have some wooded property back behind their house and I am going to build a little "retreat" place for myself, and for anyone else who comes to visit.

I'm still working on "growing to learn to love to live," but I think I'm getting closer. And really, I think that's the point of life. We live so that we can love to live.

I'll have photos of my mini road trip soon, but in the meantime, check out my newest project. This is to get me ready for the cabin - I am helping my parents fix up the attic so that I have a place to stay. Yes, the attic. But it is actually going to be super rad I think. Unless my brother chooses to share it with me. He has a tendency to make things, well, not clean. Yeah we'll see.

The attic, pre-remodel:

i'm going to see every mile pass me by.

2010-12-13T22:55:00.000-06:00

Literally.

This is what happened (long story short): I started packing to go home. My stuff didn't fit in the trailer with the other people's stuff. So I rented a car and I'm bringing the rest home by myself. I decided it's better this way. Because this is one move I am not going to miss. I am not going to sleep while someone else drives. I am not going to fly and miss all of the in-between (which is what really makes things what they are). I am going to see every single mile between New York City and Magnolia Springs, AL. I am going to know how I got there. So there.

p.s. I'm in Virginia and it's 9 degrees outside. Ouch.

we're all adrift in the same boat...

2010-12-11T10:36:00.000-06:00

...too few days, too many troubles.

(Photo from skatterplot at bwca.com)

That's what I read this morning. I've been reading the Message version of Job (check it out - me likey). You know, sometimes it is nice to read about other people's unfortunate lives. I mean, sucks for him, but at least I know I'm not alone. Not that I had my family and health taken from me or anything, but I have sometimes felt a little down and out, if you know what I mean. And I have occasionally felt like the Lord is straight up spitting in my face. Which He isn't really. I mean, does he even have spit?

Anyway, I'm just saying we're not alone. And look at Job - he only went through what he went through cause the Lord knew he could take it, and because he knew there would be people like us who would need to read it.

Sometimes our life events aren't just for us. And the Lord will never give us something we can't handle.

Good to know.

i don't really know where to begin.

2010-11-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

The last couple of weeks have been a bit mind (and soul) reeling. I would put them up there with the hardest of my short life. Suffice it to say I haven't been on here much because of that. I didn't really have words. I still don't, not really. And I hate not having words. It cuts me off from humanity.

I'm not getting married anymore; at least, not to who asked me first. Don't ask me why because I really don't have a good answer, and I think that's what makes it so hard. Because this guy is the kind of guy fairy tales are made from. But apparently it was not my fairy tale, because it just didn't feel right. And I can't tell you how important it is to feel right about this kind of thing.

So my life is going to be a bit different than I thought. But it is a good thing. It has to be. I mean, yes, I am 26 years old and will be moving back in with my parents in a month. I will be unemployed and in debt. But my heart feels completely right for the first time in a long time. It also hurts like hell, but somehow the hurting feels right too.

I intend to keep you posted on the healing process, and if anyone has any pointers on the whole mending a broken heart thing, I will gladly take them.

Love,
Jessi

trusting without blessing.

2010-10-23T11:27:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I really trust God. Is it ok to say that out loud? I mean I say that I do, and I feel like I do...but I dunno. I read this little excerpt on utmost.org this morning (devotional thing taken from Oswald Chamber's book "My Utmost for His Highest") and I think it's messed up my entire perspective on life.

How are we going to get a life that has no lust, no self-interest, and is not sensitive to the ridicule of others? How will we have the type of love that “is kind . . . is not provoked, [and] thinks no evil”? (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). The only way is by allowing nothing of the old life to remain, and by having only simple, perfect trust in God— such a trust that we no longer want God’s blessings, but only want God Himself.

I cannot imagine not wanting God's blessing, to be honest. I think that is part of what makes Him God to me, and that's a little scary. Because my whole point here in this little life of mine is to live a good life and to love people, but I need God to do that. Because He is the source of goodness and love. I at least know that much. But to only want Him? To want Him alone and none of the perks that come along with knowing Him? That's hard to swallow.

To have simple, perfect trust in God - such a trust that we no longer want God's blessing, but only want God Himself.

That is the mark of a totally surrendered, loving, unselfish person. It is. When we can do that, we can love. We can love because we don't want anything in return. We can be goodness.

It's so funny that I am currently reading Job right now too. I mean this guy was totally devout. Totally trusted God. And then his home, his servants, his children and his health were taken from him. He no longer had any of the blessings of God. But God was still God. He is still the Creator of the universe. He is still the source of all things good and He, above all else, is holy and all deserving of praise. Even if we don't have breath in us to praise.

I'm really not sure if I could be like Job. And honestly, I really hope I never have to find out.

i am becoming a girl.

2010-10-18T09:03:00.000-05:00

You know how when you get older you're supposed to mature and stuff - become a woman, etc? Yeah, not so much with me; at least, not anymore. I used to pride myself on not being much of a girly girl. I went through my "everything-has-to-be-pink" phase in high school when I wanted boys to like me (p.s., didn't work), but now I'm more of a tom-boy. My favorite color is green. I like to get sweaty and dirty after working in the yard all day (or at least, I think I do. I don't actually have a yard to speak of...) My point is, I keep telling everyone that I hate glittery, girly, froofy things. And then I started wedding planning.

Now I want tulle. And more tulle. I want ballgowns and ballet slippers and wildflowers and candlelight. The more froof the better. It's like I'm becoming that little girl again that just wanted to be a pretty princess when I grew up. It's true. I mean I seriously want my flower girls to look like this:

(Photo Credit: Picotte Photography via stylemepretty.com)

Heck, I want to look like that.

What has happened to me?!?

diversion.

2010-09-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

|diˈvər zh ən; dī-|
noun
1 an instance of turning something aside from its course

I am easily distracted. Some people may like to call it "free-spirited," but, sorry, no. For example, while writing this post I YET AGAIN changed my blog colors. (but I will stick with this for a while. I promise. You guys probably don't even recognize me anymore...). Ok you get my point.

New projects are rarely finished, even though it drives me crazy to not finish something. I go shopping for ties with my fiancee and get distracted by the pretty shoes (p.s. my fiancee does not love shopping with me).

Sometimes I lose my course...Sometimes I drift over to the other side of where I should be. And I don't mean just at the mall.

It is so hard to keep going sometimes. Especially when I'm unsure of where exactly I'm supposed to be going. I know I have a purpose, and I know that I am here to do good and be good and show others that goodness. But holy hell sometimes I just want to hit people.

Do you realize that Jesus was never diverted? Never. I mean he was God, but he was also a man, on Earth, and there are so many ways to be diverted. But he never erred. He just kept walking. Straight to His purpose.

How do we imitate that??

It still baffles me. I really do want to be good. And I want to get to where I'm going in a timely fashion. But I also want to make Him proud of how I got there.

How do we walk this life, straight to our purpose, without the meaningless distractions? And without hitting people? Anyone?

giving when you have little to give.

2010-09-07T09:19:00.001-05:00

When I was in Kenya, one of the things that really struck me (and convicted me, to be honest) was the generosity I encountered from those who had the least. Kenyan women would come out of their mud huts with tea and bread to offer us when we came to visit. Always. Sometime they even served us full meals. And they acted as if it was an honor to give what little they had to serve someone else. How I wish I could be more like them...

Photos courtesy of my very talented fiancee. To see more photos from my trip to Kenya, check out Bedouins International's sets on Flickr here and here.

good people (not the beer).

2010-09-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

Meet Calla Maria and her lovely family.

Calla Maria was one of my besties in college and I think I am much the better for it. She taught me how to go on spontaneous road trips and to love the color green. I miss her dearly. She lives in Portland, Oregon now with her sweet-as-pie husband and gorgeous children. I took some photos of them last year when they were in Ft. Lauderdale, just for funsies. She is also going to be one of my maids when I get hitched in March! I am most certainly looking forward to seeing her again. Love you Calla Maria!

and this is why i love him.

2010-08-27T09:09:00.000-05:00

cause he's an awesome photographer and will probably be rich and famous AND he makes me pretty.

haha. just kidding. kinda.

See that look in the last photo? Yea, that's about when he told me to look for the Kookaburra.

i cannot talk so i shall WRITE!

2010-08-03T10:16:00.001-05:00

I know, crazy, I'm blogging. It seems I've been a bit sidetracked lately, what with GETTING ENGAGED and all. I apologize. I also have this strange throat sickness that left me unmotivated to do anything but lay in bed all day (literally. 14 hours.) and watch Veronica Mars. I am now on Season 3 and I [heart] Logan. (Don't tell Stephen.)

So yeah because of the throat sickness I lost my voice. I now have that sexy phlegmy man voice that made Phoebe a rock star.

Anyway, this whole getting engaged thing has been a roller coaster. I feel like a grown up, or at least that I 'm supposed to be a grown up. There are all of these new and terrifying questions. Like, I have a fancy ring on my finger for the first time ever - should I be getting manicures now too? And, apparently setting our wedding date also means we have set the consummation date - does this mean I have to go to the GYNO?!?

Ugh, growing up is scaaaarryy.

It's worse than ball pits.

And clowns.

(I know, right?!?)

Help.

But you know, there's also the fun and exciting part. I mean, I have a fancy ring on my finger, and hello, consummation here I come! But let's get real here kids. Why doesn't anyone ever talk about the scary parts too? I feel like I am the only bride-to-be ever who has ever been scared ever of getting married and growing up. I mean I love my fiancee. And I love my life. But is it ok to be scared? Or I guess what I'm really trying to say is, am I evil for seeing a scary side too?

dun dun duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh...

2010-07-12T09:34:00.007-05:00

So this is what I did on Friday:

My sly little boyfriend took me on a surprise date to Central Park. He bought me some beautiful little daisies and brought his camera (cause he's a photographer and loves what he does). We frolicked around the park for a while and took photos and it was so fun.

Then we stopped at this little boat rental place and he rented a little row boat (!!!) so that we could paddle across the lake and be so cute (do you know what's coming yet? cause I sure didn't). He paddled us over to the big tree and then started making a big deal about all of the animals..."Hey Jess, look at that turtle way over there"..."Hey look at that Kookaburra up in that tree." I'm like "Where?!?"

I look down at Stephen and he is holding both of my hands and looking at me in a way he's never quite looked at me before. He starts telling me how much he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And then he slips this guy on my left ring finger:

It is so pretty.

Oh yeah, I said yes.

p.s. Kookaburras only live in Australia.

I love you Stephen!!! Thanks for picking me!!!!

another post on being white.

2010-06-14T12:14:00.001-05:00

I must share this little experience with you. A few days ago, my roommate and I walked up to 145th to get some fish and chips. (One more thing I love about Harlem - THE FOOD. There are fried things and sweet tea. It's like being back in the South.)

Anyway. We got our fried deliciousness and took it to a nearby park. We were sitting on a bench next to this black guy and a couple of black ladies. (It's important that they're black. Just wait.)

So I'm talking with the roomie, catching up on our day and such, when the guy next to us looks at us, then our food, then back to us, and says this:

"I didn't know white people ate fried food."

>insert immense internal laughter here<

"Well, yes sir, we do. Especially us white folks from the south."

Then (and this is the best part) the lady he was chatting with, completely appalled, says, "You can't talk to her like that. You're supposed to say 'Caucasian.' Leave the nice lady alone."

>insert even more laughter here<

"It's really ok," I assured her. "I know I'm white."

p.s. this is only temporary

2010-06-09T11:57:00.000-05:00

The world and it's desires will pass away, but the man who does the will of God will live forever. -1 John 2:17

which basically means GET OVER IT.

Whew, I feel better now.

This is one of the first things about following Jesus that stuck with me. None of the things we have now (including our problems, hurts, wants, desires, etc) are coming with us when we die. In the big scheme of things, it doesn't hold a great deal of value. Of course, that means nothing to us now, when all we know is what we feel and see and hear and taste.

Part of me is so excited about leaving this place. Is it morbid to say that? I mean, I just can't wait to know what it feels like to not worry about whether or not I'm gonna marry the perfect guy or have the perfect house or wear the cutest clothes. But then again, how awesome would this life be right now if I didn't worry about that stuff anyway?

Maybe a little bit of heaven really is possible right here, right now.

Anyway, just thought I'd share. It kind of takes the pressure off when you realize that all of this will be gone soon, so why worry about it? All we were really made to do is 1) be together and 2) love. Nothing else really matters.

p.s.s. this blog template is also only temporary. i'm trying to make it more "me" so i want to do it from scratch. wasn't loving my face in the header, so i put this up for a bit. as soon as i find the time to create something interesting, i'll be sure to show you.

i'm not too worried about it though :)

Love,
Jessi

in a different place.

2010-05-30T12:26:00.001-05:00

I moved on Thursday. (p.s. I'm totally over this whole moving thing. Twice in one year is bad for the soul methinks.)

Anyway, it has been a bit of an eye opener for me. I think I realized for the first time that I'm white. Is that weird? Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town in south Alabama and went to an all-white high school and mostly-white college, but I've never really been "white" before. Or at least, I've never really had to think about it.

I'm now living in a place where I am most definitely in the minority, and it's weird. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know that race doesn't matter in the big scheme of things - I mean, we all bleed red and all that, but there is still this unfamiliarity I have with other cultures and races that makes being in the minority a little strange for me. Is it ok for me to say that out loud?

I think I like it though. I think I need this. I think everyone needs to get out of their comfort zone every once in a while. You know why? Because maybe (as I think the case is here) your comfort zone might actually be hindering you from the kind of life you deserve to live.

God created a multicolored family for a reason. I think He wants to show me. I mean, why else would he bring me from Magnolia Springs, Alabama to Harlem? I intend to find out.

p.s. If God is taking you out of your comfort zone, I'd love to hear about it. It's way easier to do this when I have company :)

Love,
Jessi

i think that maybe i'm crazy.

2010-05-20T09:59:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about my trip to Africa, trying to decide what exactly it meant to me. And somehow, I only came up with one incredibly surprising thing.

I am proud to be an American.

I know, I'm crazy. I go to Africa and I get all Lee Greenwood on you. But for all the things America stands for that I loathe (i.e. greed, selfishness, obesity, sloth - basically a majority of the 7 Deadly Sins), I truly am blessed to live here.

For one thing, I can have this blog and say whatever I want on it without the fear of someone hunting me down and cutting off my fingers. Seriously, some people don't have that "luxury". I can vote for whoever I want, again without fear of dismemberment. I can believe what I want, say what I want, learn what I want, do what I want, as long as it doesn't kill anybody.

And there are people who died to make that happen. There are people today still making tough choices to ensure that it stays that way. I don't always agree with those choices, but I have to believe that over all, whoever is in charge is doing the right thing, and that ultimately the Lord is in control. And that He put me in the United States of America for a reason.

Why I realized this in Kenya is a little difficult to explain. Obviously, the stark contrast to our freedoms here was a bit overwhelming. I get pissed here if my water smells too much of the chemicals that make it clean. Kenyan children walk up to 20 miles a day to get semi-clean-ish water. You think unemployment here is bad? Try 40% in Kenya. And violence? There are between 250,000-400,000 internally displaced people STILL living in tents in the Rift Valley after the election in 2007. (By the way, that range means they really have NO IDEA how many are out there.)

I never have to worry about that. But what I do have to worry about is why I don't have to worry about it. Is there a reason the good Lord (who really is good, by the way) put me here and not there? I think there is. I think we are blessed so that we can bless others. That is the only thing I can think of. That is what we are here for. And oh my, if Americans really lived up to what they are here for, the world would seriously be a better place. We can make the world a better place.

And I think we are trying. America sends billions and billions of dollars to third world countries. I think Bush sent 48 billion to Africa alone. Not to mention all of our philanthropists and missionaries who send not only money, but people and time, one of America's most beloved resources.

I won't keep going, but suffice it to say that as wicked as America and Americans can be, there is so much good here that we cannot overlook nor take for granted. We have one of the most organized governments in the world - so much so that a pothole doesn't even go unnoticed. A pothole. Have you ever driven in Africa??

Exhibit A.

Fixing a flat tire. This happens quite often.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this - especially from you non-Americans out there...what is your view on America vs. the "third world"? Are we "here" and others "there" for a reason?

and I'm back.

2010-05-12T09:25:00.003-05:00

It is so hard to answer the questions, "So how was your trip to Africa?" The right words never seem to come. Hence, I'm not going to use any words for the time being. For now I will leave you with some photos that hopefully do justice to the wonder that is Africa, and the beauty of the people we were blessed to encounter. In the meantime I'll try and make my brain come up with words that will suffice...

Photos by Stephen DeVries of Bedouins International.

Read some awesome stories and see more photos on the Bedouins Blog. Personal experiences coming soon!

Love,
Jessi

away i go...

2010-04-25T15:00:00.007-05:00

So, the time has finally come: my first trip to the great continent of Africa! I am looking forward to an amazing adventure with this guy and with an amazing group of people who started the Kiini Sustainable Initiative. I'm going with Bedouins International to help capture and share their amazing story. (More project details are in last month's newsletter.) (Sorry for all the links, but I think it's better for you to go and read what they have to say rather than me try and cram it all together in one little blog post.)

I am so excited about this oppotunity. It's really gonna help them, you know? Media and marketing are so expensive to those who have a good story to tell, yet for some reason it comes totally free if disaster happens or some crazy monster kills thousands of people. I hate that. It's not right. Anyway, we're trying to change that. We want you to know about some good stuff too. Follow the Bedouins blog to keep up with our story in Kenya, and I'll be back May 7th to share some of my own experiences with you!

Keep growing,

Jessi

To all who are weary...

2010-04-22T20:45:00.002-05:00

It might mean you have an iron deficiency. Yep. Too little hemoglobin. And did you know that you can't donate your blood if your hemoglobin is too low? Yep. You can't. I was bummed because I really wanted to save someone's life today. I mean sure, I was a little terrified with the whole "let me suck your blood out" thing. A bit vampiric, yes. But it could save someone's life. How cool is that?

Then the nurse handed me a sheet of paper talking about why my hemoglobin might be so low (it basically told me I needed to eat better - Ramen Noodles do not give me the Iron I need) so that I could be prepared for next time. Now I know that I need to eat green leafy veggies, eggs and more meat. I am prepared for next time.

I wish life was that easy. I wish I could just eat some Popeye spinach and feel strong enough to face the world and fight off the bad guys. But I get tired. Sometimes everything hurts and I just want to stay in bed all. day. long. And it isn't an easy choice to get out of bed in the mornings. It's never easy to do something you don't want to do - even if it might save someone's life.

Paul actually wrote a letter to the Galatians back in the day about this exact matter. He said: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I think they must have been getting tired too. And probably not because of an iron deficiency (though that may have been a component...) but because it wears you out to be good all the time. Because being good isn't just about giving a little blood - it is about giving everything you have. And it is tiring and painful and sometimes it breaks your heart. But it is worth it. Or at least, it will be.

That's what we're told anyway. And sweet Jesus I am trusting you to be faithful to that. Because I cannot do this whole "life" thing by myself. But what I can do is prepare myself for what is to come. I will eat my vegetables and poultry and hope that one day I am ready to save someone's life. If only I do not give up.

Photo Credit: Stephen DeVries

Love,
Jessi

one.day.at.a.time.

2010-04-10T11:31:00.000-05:00

Yes.

So I was talking to my very wise mommy yesterday, and of course I was rambling about how I couldn't wait until this! and was so looking forward to this! oh my gosh and this! too.

And then she was like, "Chill. Out." Ok, she didn't really say it like that, but I'm translating for you.

I have got to stop looking forward to things that may or may not happen! I am blessed where I am right here and now. I mean it is wonderful to dream - so , so wonderful - but if I'm always looking forward, won't I miss everything that is happening right now?

And what a tragedy that would be.

Remember that "Happy List" I was making? Oh, did you forget about it too? Ha, no worries. Well, I started on it and only listed 2 things - 1) Beautiful house in the country (with a paragraph about where it would be and how it would look) 2) Adoring husband, blah blah blah. AND THAT'S AS FAR AS I GOT. Like those 2 things were going to make me the happiest person alive. Sweet Jesus.

But then I got a comment from a lovely lady (Hi Lori!) who suggested that rather than making a list of my dreams and then feeling bad about dreaming them, I could instead think about what I have now and appreciate them. Yes! One.day.at.a.time.

Ok. Here goes.

1) Perfect little apartment, very reasonalbly priced, in New York City.
2) Adoring boyfriend who loves me even in the grumpy morning time!! (and grumpy sleepy time, and grumpy hungry time...)
3) My dream job(s). I get to help people with their wedding, and help awesome humanitarians and missionaries tell their stories! Awesome!
4) Beautiful, sweet friends who encourage me and love me and tell me I am neat.
5) Wonderfully wise and supportive parents. They even throw a little cash my way when they find out I eat nothing but Ramen :)
6) Dreams. Yes, I will count them as a blessing. How wonderful to be able to dream, how wonderful that the Lord gives us dreams and wants and desires.

Let's just be sure to remember when those dreams come true, and not just ask for "More, please."

(p.s., I am counting this as my "accomplishment" for the week. :) )

Love,
Jessi

i hate fire.

2010-04-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

It is literally my worst fear. I know, I know. We aren't supposed to fear...perfect loves casts it out and such. But really. I hate fire. It destroys and hurts and, well, it hurts. My parents had to go through it last year.

So anyway, here is my "experience" for the week:

I was at work yesterday when we heard this crazy explosion outside. I looked out my window to see smoke coming out of a grate and then this blue-green fire. Apparently, some guys were doing electrical work and a transformer ended up blowing. We heard an announcement to turn off all computers, and then eventually the electricity went out. We watched as firetrucks started pulling up and guys in big heavy suits started trying to put out the fire. About 20 minutes later we were evacuated from the building and told that due to the dangerous levels of carbon monoxide we couldn't come back until Thursday.

(photo by KFox)

See the Times Square Church sign? My office is the corner office 2 windows above the sign. Check out a news report and video of the fire here.

Anyway, I'm glad no one was seriously injured (and that I'm off of work today!) Hope you all had a wonderful Tuesday, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Love,
Jessi

happiness. a rip off.

2010-04-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

So I'm totally ripping this post off of a friend of mine who wrote on happiness and what it means. (Like, if I get everything I've ever wanted I'll be happy. FALSE!)

Anyway, I was reading her post (which actually happened to be a rip off of Anthony de Mello's "The Way of Love" - but at least we gave credit where credit was due!) and it really moved something in me. I am always looking towards the future and how much happier I will be when I get married and when I have my own house and when I have a puppy. Happy happy happy!

But you know what? I also thought I would be happier if I got out of Birmingham, or got back together with my ex-boyfriend, or let my hair grow out. Silly, silly girl. I have all of that now, and what am I doing? Still looking for happiness. Because your circumstances and situations do not make you happy. Knowing who you were created to be, knowing that you have purpose in this world, knowing that you are loved by the creator of the universe (which, p.s., is kind of a big deal) - that is what can make you happy, if you let it.

So as Mr. de Mello suggests, I plan to do the following: "Make a list of all your attachments and desires and to each of them say these words: 'Deep down in my heart I know that even after I have got you I will not get happiness.' And ponder on the truth of those words."

He also said this awesome quotable: "The fulfillment of desire can, at the most, bring flashes of pleasure and excitement. Don’t mistake that for happiness."

Ok friends, I am off to list the meaningless attachments and desires I have so that I can then rebuke them. I dare you to join me.

Love,
Jessi

p.s. check out the rest of Jena's post here

some simple pleasures.

2010-04-01T16:55:00.001-05:00

Hello my loves! Ok, now I must tell you about some things that have made me happy over the last couple of days.

1) Your comments! My goodness, how good it is to have friends. Even more so for friends that I have not met. Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. I was so incredibly thrilled that so many of you decided to take part in sharing your experiences with me. Totally the highlight of my week. Here's hoping I can now keep up with my commitment to share my own experiences, pleasures and accomplishments with you!

2) A young Latino. Ok this is going to sound so racist. But let's be honest. I'm not racist. At all. (In fact, I'm still praying for a miraculous miracle that would allow me to have biracial babies if I marry a white guy.) So anyway. I was on the train the other day, and this old white lady sneezed, and then this young thug-tacular latino next to her looked at her with the kindest eyes and said "God bless you." That's it. I know it's crazy. But there was just something so beautiful about this big dude with his black yankees cap and mechanic's jumpsuit saying God bless you to this old lady in her khaki trenchcoat - I just melted.

3) I have tomorrow off. Praise the Lord. And I mean that, because He is the reason I get the day off :)

So those are a few of my "pleasures" for the week...and yours??? Experiences and accomplishments to come (I hope).

Love,
Jessi

let's talk about our feelings.

2010-03-29T18:53:00.000-05:00

So they interchanged their small experiences, accomplishments and pleasures, and both were the better, as well as the happier, for it; because in this way only can we truly love our neighbor as ourself, and get the real sweetness out of life.

-Louisa May Alcott, Under the Lilacs.

I like starting things with quotes. Mostly because other people say stuff better than me.

I love it when people share with me. And not just their food or toys, though I love that too. I like getting to know people - you know, what makes them "tick" as they say. I want to know why in the world you tilt your head to the side every time I talk to you. Is this your way of letting me know you are listening? Or maybe your way of making me think you are listening while your thoughts wander elewhere? I dunno. But I want to.

As Louisa says, knowing each other is the only way we can truly love each other. I mean think about it - how am I supposed to love you if I don't really know you?

So tell me, what are your experiences and accomplishments and pleasures?

No really, I want to know.

Oh my gosh, I just had the best idea. Just now. Ok here it is. Every week, I am going to post a new experience, a new accomplishment and a new pleasure. Holy dude man, that is 3 posts a week, plus my usual ramblings. Can I really do this? Yes. Maybe. You won't hate me if I fail? I'll try really hard not to fail. But here's the deal - I want to hear yours too.

Let's be friends k?

And hopefully something exciting happens tomorrow so I don't bore your pants off...

Love,
Jessi

the subway part 2.

2010-03-17T09:51:00.000-05:00

Oh dear. The Subway. I love it, I do. As I've mentioned before, it is the only place I can appropriately cuddle with strangers - a pleasure indeed. But then sometimes you get on a train with an obnoxious starved-for-attention teen. Bless his little heart. I really wanted to give him a good ass-kickin. But alas, I knew it wasn't the most loving thing to do, and I am all trying to learn how to love and stuff.

Here's what happened:

I am on a packed train, blessed with a seat and trying to catch up on some sleep, when three 16-ish year olds get on, one obviously a bit eccentric with his bleached afro-hawk and nose piercing and multiple tatoos, jewelry and red and black checkered skinny jeans. Dear boy. At first I wanted to be his friend. And then, he starts giggling with his friends and rapping Eminem's "Under the Influence" as loud as he could. Over and over again. I have refrained from writing out some of the lyrics here, so as not to do the same thing to you that he did to me. But you can click the title if you are super curious. Suffice it to say that it was obvious that he admired Eminem's disregard for what other people thought.

But then here's my thing: If he really did not care about what other people thought, why oh why did he make such a point of trying to get a reaction out of everyone around him (including the poor girl who tried getting on the train and was met by this strange boy humping the air)??

What is up with this generation? Are they so starved for attention that they will actually go to the extremes of wanting someone to get angry? Maybe I shouldn't generalize to the whole generation - I know not everyone is like that. But seriously, it made me so sad. What was going through his head? Is he so insecure that he wants to overcompensate by acting like he doesn't care? Do his parents completely suck? I wish I could understand people like him. I wish I could be his friend and show him that he can be loved, that he is in fact loved. How he doesn't need to try and incite a reaction out of someone to get attention.

Ugh. But I am no one. And talking to him would have ended with him laughing in my face and getting exactly what he wanted - a reaction. I hate being so helpless in these situations. I mean I don't want to pretend like I know what's going on in his head, but at the same time I know that something is going on, you know?

Well, I just pray that he meets someone who can talk to him. Who does have some kind of a say in his life and his future. Cause I mean, if he harnesses that energy and outgoingness for good, he will be a force to be reckoned with. Fo shizzle. Ha, maybe then we could be friends. :)

dude man i'm famous.

2010-03-11T09:31:00.000-06:00

Ok not quite. And I really hope that I never am. But my blog is up on bloginterviewer.com. Check it out. You can even vote for me and make me feel better about myself if you want.

the subway.

2010-03-10T19:56:00.000-06:00

the subway is a new experience for me, now living in new york city. it is the one and only place i've ever been where personal space is not allowed. i love it.

that's what it's all about.

2010-03-08T08:13:00.000-06:00

And I am not talking about the Hokey Pokey my friends (though that is quite a worthy subject). I was inspired about some of the things my new friends were saying on the previous post about grace, and really wanted to touch on, well, a very touchy subject.

Church.

How many of you have been hurt by The Church? (I use its proper noun form when I mean the people who make up what we call The Church, not the building itself of course. Unless a church fell on you, or you tripped over an old rug and bumped your head and got a concussion...ok I digress...) Anyway, I'm being serious here. Who is mad at The Church?

Ok I'll start. I am.

Can I vent for a second? I hate it when churches invest millions of dollars in fancy chairs and a fancy stage and other things that don't seem too important WHEN THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE OUTSIDE THEIR DOOR. Now I do understand wanting the House of God to be warm and welcoming, and even beautiful (I mean, ancient Jewish temples were immaculate, but in a good way usually. They lived in reverence to God and wanted His House to be the most beautiful place they entered...but of course there is a fine line between revering God and merely trying to please Him [remember grace?] but that's a whole different story.)

So that's part I do hate. The selfish, striving, "I'm right and you're wrong" kind of attitude.

But that isn't why I go to church every Sunday.

Yesterday I went to this great little church in East Harlem. The worship team might not have made it too far on American Idol, but they loved the Lord, and they sang to Him. Everyone was dancing and shouting and praying out loud. And smiling.

I looked over to my right and saw a woman leaning against the wall. She was obviously not feeling too good, and kept rubbing her neck - it looked like she had some back pain. I saw a woman in the row in front of me get up and go over to her and start rubbing her shoulders and talking to her. She kept rubbing her shoulders for a while. That other woman started smiling.

That's what it's all about my friends.

Like I've said many times before, people screw up. And unfortunately, people have given The Church, and Christ himself, a bad name. But you don't go to church because of those people. You go to church to worship the one who made you, and to love those whom He made.

I encourage you to find a place where these people are - people who love the Lord and people you can relate to. People you can find fellowship and friendship with. I promise they are out there. And it has made all the difference in the world to me.

Love,

Jessi

what is grace anyway?

2010-02-26T12:25:00.000-06:00

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.
-Gal 5:13

I love this verse. I love it because it taught me a very valuable lesson.

I grew up thinking that churches suck. God is good, men are hypocrites. And in a way, sadly, I was right. Many times, Christians do not live up to the Christ they follow. Because of that, I did (and still do sometimes) have a hard time calling myself a Christian. I do not want to be one of those people with the Jesus sticker on their car who flips off the guy who is driving too slow.

Anyway. I found myself going from one extreme to the other. I didn't want to suck. I wanted to be good. I would strive to be good, to be the girl I was supposed to be. I didn't want to disappoint Him.

But here's the deal kids: we do not have the power to take ourselves out of the love of God. You don't even have to believe in God for Him to love you. I mean, He kind of is love. That's just how He rolls.

So then I had this beautiful revelation of grace - this love that we do not deserve, but that we are entitled to just for being the children of God, followers of Christ. Because in case you don't know about this Jesus dude, He is actually God who came down as man and said "Hey, I know there is this law that says if you sin against God, you have to be removed from Him, which is the equivalent of death, but God doesn't like being away from you. So, what I'm gonna do is take your place. If you will just accept me and this sacrifice I am making for you, you will never have to be removed from God. He can be with you always."

Awesome deal right? Yes. So Jesus dies and leaves His spirit to take His place and give us guidance...but then we start going to extremes again. We say, "Sweet, we can do whatever we want and know that we are forgiven because we can just pull the Jesus card and be forgiven! Yay for grace!"

Well crap, that can't be right either. Grace can't be an excuse to do whatever you want.

You see, the thing that really happened when Jesus came down and took our place was this: He opened up the door and allowed you to know God more intimately by leaving us all with the Holy Spirit which He left when his body died. Grace does not mean the law does not exist, it just means that the law is now "written on our hearts" (check out Jeremiah 31:31-34 and 2 Cor 3). We can know God (to a certain extent) and if we know Him, we can love Him. And if we love Him, we obey Him. Because to obey the Lord of creation is GOOD.

Am I making sense here? Grace does not entitle us to do what we want, it just gives us the freedom to know God and to love love love. Because that is why we are here. To love.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." -2 Cor 3:17-18

Churches don't have to suck. Yeah we are human and we mess up, and grace does say that we are forgiven, that we are not bound by rules and legalistic attidudes (i.e. like the Pharisees), but what the Lord says is still true too. He is still God. And we still need to love Him. And to love Him is to love His people, His children - who also happen to be your brothers and sisters if you think about it. Let's be a family again guys.

Love,
Jessi

meet me in montauk.

2010-02-16T23:04:00.012-06:00

Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Surely you have. Ok well since that movie I have always wanted to visit this little place called Montauk. It's a beach town on the tip of Long Island. In the movie, the main characters meet in Montauk and there's snow and it's just beautiful. I finally got to go! I brought along my trusty holga with a roll of slide film (I got it cross processed - hence the funky colors on some of them) and a roll of 15-year-expired film that Stephen and I found in an abandoned house. Yeah. Awesome. (The ones with the black borders are the expired film; the ones that have the Fuji negative borders are the cross processed chrome film.)

I went with my friends Stephen, Taylor, Philip, and my new roommate Mandy. The beach still had some snow on it, and around the bend there was a rocky shoreline with even more snow - so beautiful!

Then of course we found a little frozen puddle/pond (did I mention it was freezing! seriously, like 3 degrees or something) and we did a little ice skating. Or sliding rather. I just kind of scooted though (awesome video of this here).

And then my favorite part - the lighthouse!

This was seriously such a fun trip. Thanks to this guy for scanning and editing my film. (You can see more awesome photos by following that link as well :) )

It is good to spend good time with good friends. Take more time to do that.

Love,
Jessi

hurting those you love the most.

2010-02-05T08:35:00.002-06:00

Do you do this too? Why?

I find it so much easier to hurt the people I love the most. How silly that it's the people I would gladly give my life for are the ones who receive my wrath more often than anyone else - or instead of anyone else.

I guess I assume they will always forgive me? But even so, why hurt them? When you love someone, aren't you supposed to will their highest good, and then help them achieve that good? So why instead do I insist on speaking out of anger and saying whatever it is that I am thinking when I KNOW it will hurt this person deeply? That is not love my friends. Not love.

But really is it just me or is anyone out there feeling like me too? Do I have another broken piece in my brain that forgets to tell me when I am saying awful things that no one should have to hear, especially the person that I love and who somehow loves me too even though I am the way that I am. I mean if anything, that person is demonstrating true love - being able to forgive constantly and love unconditionally. That's what Jesus teaches after all.

Ok I'm just ranting now. I just want to know how to fix it. I do not want to be the greatest source of pain for someone to whom I am supposed to be the greatest source of joy (second to the Lord, of course). But this is like a life-long struggle. So what do I do?

In the city.

2010-01-22T14:35:00.004-06:00

Ok kids, it's time for the big update from New York! I am just now getting internet access, so sorry for the delay in communication.

I am living in this adorable apartment in Riverdale (SW Bronx) - pics coming soon - and I love it. For you Birminghamians, think Highlands area except New York style. A few blocks walk will take you to a "downtown" area where you can find a grocery store, CVS, and every type of ethnic food I could need (Mexican, Thai, Japanese, Sushi, Chinese, Italian, etc) all on one street!! Add streets of gold and I'm sure this is what heaven must be like.

I started my first week of work as well. I still don't have a desk or anything, but I've been getting acquainted with the people around me and what I'll be doing. Yeah I'm gonna be busy. Stephen, Taylor and 2 others are working on expanding the media for the missions department of Times Square Church. I am working as the "Project Manager" and will be connecting the missions logistic-heads with the media creative-heads. I am looking forward to being in a place where God has given me the skills to excel and be challenged at the same time.

I can't wait to share my stories with you! Stay tunes for more updates and lovely NY photos! (To see more of Stephen's photos, click here.)

love, jessi

And then there's that.

2010-01-13T20:37:00.003-06:00

There is so much going on right now. SO much. And you know, I would really like to share those things with you, but I just don't even know where to start.

Ok let's start here. My good friend Roger is in Haiti right now. He landed in Port Au Prince hours before the earthquake hit. I can't be worried. We haven't heard anything from him, but I cannot worry. It just isn't in me. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, but I literally don't even think there is a reason to worry. Is there something wrong with me? Is it a defense mechanism my heart puts up so that I don't have to think about the unimaginable? I dunno, but it's working.

He's probably there entertaining the scared kids. That is what he does, what he's good at. That's what he is there for anyway. To serve the people, especially the kids. Maybe his timing was, in fact, perfect. I just wish he could call us to let us know that.

And then there's New York. Did I tell you I was moving to New York? Yeah, on Saturday. This Saturday. Crazy. But again, no worry or apprehension, it's just right. It's normal, natural. I think maybe I am broken.

I mean I am human right?!? Isn't it our job to worry like all the time? Ok, I know it is good not to worry, that God calls us not to worry even, but is that ever really possible? What does it mean if you don't ever worry? Does that mean I don't care as much as other people? It's kinda starting to freak me out man.

On a side note, That 70s Show makes me feel better about life. If you are having a bad day, just watch the whole first season. No worries there for sure.

p.s. I just realized I am starting to worry about never worrying. Maybe I am human after all.

Oh forgetful heart

2009-12-19T22:44:00.004-06:00

You know, your heart will forget things if you let it. Time may heal a broken one, to some extent, but it also may make the good times a bit foggy. Or make you forget why it wasn't right in the first place. Love forgotten is never good, no matter how it turned out in the end.

But as I have learned, forgetting is a whole lot easier than letting go. That part takes more strength than I have yet to know. To let go but not forget. That is so important if you ever want to learn from this. At the same time, love is not some evil thing put in this world to teach you a lesson. You are better because of it. And it is good to let go and not forget; love taught you that.

Because love, at least in the small way that I have known it, does not refuse to do good. And while love does not guarantee a happy heart, it does guarantee a good one.

Let's at least remember that.

Engagement Pics!

2009-11-23T10:11:00.010-06:00

Yeah not mine :)

I had the honor of shooting an Engagement Session for my good friends Erin and Jonathan. Aren't they cute?!? Here are some of my faves:

Congratulations Jonathan and Erin! To see the full shoot, click here.

Choice and Fate

2009-11-22T23:21:00.004-06:00

The debate on choice versus fate is as old as time. I hate making decisions and so the two have really meant the same thing to me - you can choose whatever you want, but what is meant to be will be. That's the safe answer, the easy answer, but is it truth? Or can our choices change our fate? What is fate anyway?

What about phrases like "I was meant to do this" or "They were meant to be together"? If that person had chosen differently then they would have been meant to do something else or be with someone else. So whatever we choose, that is what we were meant for?

That terrifies me.

Like I said, I hate making decisions. I avoid them at all costs. I don't make plans until the day of. I commit to nothing. Can we say issues?

So much seems to ride on every choice that we make. Our lifestyle, our career choice, our soulmate - we must make those decisions. And those are freakin big decisions.

I think this recent freak out moment comes due to my recent birthday. The big 2-5. Quarter of a freakin century. My choices really mean something now. I guess they always have, but they seem to have so much more weight now. Turns out growing up is tough junk.

So how do I know if I am making the right decision? How do I know that the right choice is still yet to come? What if I want this now, but it's only a want, and not right? How do I know what's really truly right? I want to trust that the Lord has my junk under control. But sweet mercy, He still makes me make the choice.

My analytical skills obviously get in my way sometimes. I should just go where my heart takes me right? Because if my heart is in God's heart, then my wants are His wants. Right?!?

This is too much to think about at midnight. I just want to make good choices. And I want to know that I've made good choices.

A very good friend told me that sometimes you just have to make a choice and then own it. Maybe that's the key. You make a choice and own that choice and it will be blessed. I believe that God is big enough to bless the choices that we make even if we don't make great ones. I do believe that. At least I believe that.

it is time to let go of fear.

2009-11-11T22:29:00.002-06:00

here is what i read today. maybe it will help you too.

If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.'

-Psalm 91:9-16

as surely as i know thee...

2009-11-11T22:28:00.000-06:00

thou art good.

"it is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority"

2009-11-06T08:28:00.001-06:00

ugh.

where babies come from.

2009-11-02T20:07:00.001-06:00

according to Sadie on Knocked up:

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

words

2009-10-28T21:23:00.003-05:00

are powerful.

the things you say mean something to someone, no matter how much importance you put on them. words can hurt people. i guarantee that someone out there remembers something you said to them long ago. words stick around.

words can hurt yourself too. i have come to find that the more i call myself "socially awkward" the more socially awkward i become. or how about "i am a selfish beast". i probably shouldn't have said that. next thing i'll be selling my kid for cuter ikea furniture or something.

anyway, all i really wanted to say is, well, be careful what you say. you never know who's gonna remember it. so let's make sure what we say is good, something we want remembered.

love,
jessi

and p.s. an interesting oversight on words that i look at nearly every day: my blog title should be "to grow to learn to love to live" i'll fix it later.

i am a selfish beast

2009-10-18T18:19:00.002-05:00

sadly, i think i've had that post title before. will i ever learn? why is it so hard for me to let go of myself and my selfish ways? i love people, i do, but when their wants and needs get in the way of my single-minded desires for myself and for what i think is the "greater good" (but is more often my own kinda-good-but-only-in-this-moment-good), i do not care or see to care about anything else.

really.

I wanted to go to Auburn since I was 7 years old because my favorite teacher went there and after i made up my mind, there was no turning back. could I afford college? No. Could my parents? No. So did i go to the college that offered the best scholarships? Of course not.

And then, when i was bored of Auburn and needed an adventure, did i take a weekend road trip to Disney World? Well yes, but before that I moved to New Zealand. Could I afford to move and go to school in New Zealand for a semester? No. I used up every penny of savings I had that I was supposed to use for paying off my student loans. Of course, Auburn and New Zealand both ended up being an excellent experience for me, but am i still paying off my $30,000 in student loans? Yes.

oi.

so forget about money. what about people? what about when I decide on exactly how I want to fall in love and who I want to fall in love with? or when I decide what career makes me most happy? where does selfishness cross the line? I cannot hold on to everything. I cannot decide everything.

And honestly, there are some things that I don't want to decide on because I suck at knowing what is best for me.

I just wish I knew how to let go of that overwhelming desire to control what I get to do and how I get to do it. I wish I was strong enough to let myself go.

2009-10-15T09:42:00.001-05:00

is it normal to be in a constant state of nausea?

dumper's remorse

2009-10-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

is an evil thing. maybe this is too soon, but what the hay, i'm trying to let go of my pride.

here is what i have learned over the last few weeks. being the dumper in a serious relationship sucks for the obvious reasons - you have to break someone's heart, yada yada. but what people never seem to talk about is the real hurt - the part where he gets over you.

now, as the dumper that's really all you want in the beginning. you want him to move on, date someone else - STOP CALLING YOU for pete's sake. it's over, it's been over, it's done.

but then it's a few months later, and he's dating someone else. and she's pretty.

who said she could be pretty?
and wait, why haven't you called me today?

i mean really, no one ever told me that the dumper has to go through it all over again when the dumpee moves on. no one. so that is why i am here today my friends. GET READY. it blows.

now i'm thinking that surely it is normal for a dumper to have doubts about the dump when the dumpee decides to move on. because when a dumpee moves on, they pretty much die in the dumper's eyes. i mean literally, it feels like he died or something. you think you hate the way he still looks at you, the way he hugs you, the way he calls you and compliments you. just wait until he stops. if i had nads, this is probably what it would feel like to get kicked in them.

ugh, how incredibly selfish i am. are all dumpers like this? was there this strange upheaval in your world when your ex got over you?

of course, considering my ex is probably the only person who reads my blog i may never know. no wait - does he even read my blog anymore?!?

but you know, i am so glad to feel something. even if it feels like my guts are being sucked through a crazy straw, it is so good to know that i'm not a total heartless female dog. and so good to know that he is ok. and that i am going to be ok. because this is the way it was supposed to be all along. we needed this. as it turns out, i needed this more than he did.

and finally, there's closure.

you don't always get what you want

2009-10-13T21:23:00.002-05:00

Why is it that when you think you know what you want and then you get it you just aren't so sure you want it anymore, but you don't want to go back to what you had either so you're just kinda stuck in this place where nothing is quite right?

you know what i mean?

hmph.

this is why i haven't been blogging.

i don't even know what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks i'm talking about.

i just feel like i had to say something.

what a man can endure

2009-09-16T07:49:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading the book The Long Walk by Slavomir Rawicz. It's this incredible true story of a Polish officer who was taken prisoner by the Russians during World War II. He was accused of being a spy and put through unbelievable tortures before finally being sentenced to 25 yrs hard labor in a camp in southern Siberia. A camp he and 6,000 other prisoners had to march some hundreds of miles through Siberian winter to get to. And that isn't even the Long Walk he is referring to in his title.

I don't want to give to much of the book away, but suffice it to say that he marched thousands of more miles and endured unimaginable hardships before the book's end.

He was 25 when he did this. My age.

When I think about what a man can truly endure I am amazed. If we needed to, we could go days without food or water. If we really needed to, we could walk 20 miles a day every day for days without food or water. It makes me wonder what I can really endure. I mean I complain a lot. It's too hot, its too cold, I'm starving, I think I'm dying. I have never starved a day in my life.

Weeks at a time without food, without water, cracked and blistered feet, lice, stink, and thousands of miles of desert, mountains and icy rivers ahead of him before he reached freedom.
All Slav needed was hope, and of course the friends who kept him hopeful. That finish line is what got him there. The hope of reaching the end, the hope for freedom.

The fuel for endurance is hope.

I can endure this.

Whatever I am going through right now I can endure it.

Whether it's a broken heart, a broken spirit, a broken faith - the worst of all things - I can endure it, if only there is hope.

2009-08-25T08:41:00.001-05:00

To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:

"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help

um, what did you just say?

2009-08-20T09:18:00.005-05:00

So I listening to NPR this morning (I know, right? I am my father's daughter) and this guy was announcing the morning's headlines. It went something like this.

Yesterday Afghanistan began its second ever vote for president. There were scattered reports of violence and the Taliban was threatening to cut off the hands of anyone who showed up at the polls. The Dow went down three point yesterday...BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Are you kidding me? Did you just say that PEOPLE WERE GETTING THEIR HANDS CUT OFF for voting for a new president and you did not even muster up a pause, a hesitation, or maybe, I dunno, an inflection of some sort insinuating the fact that HOLY CRAP PEOPLE ARE GETTING THEIR HANDS CUT OFF FOR VOTING?!?

Sweet Mother of Jehovah. I was a little ticked. I mean come on guys. Who was scared to vote for Obama, or McCain for that matter? (I mean besides the fear of the Antichrist as President vs. facing another 40 year war?) How about I VOTED FOR RON PAUL.

Come and get me.

the human species' greatest talent?

2009-08-19T07:56:00.003-05:00

For it is said that humans are never satisfied, that you give them one thing and they want something more. And this is said in disparagement, whereas it is one the greatest talents the species has and one that has made it superior to animals that are satisfied with what they have.

-John Steinbeck, The Pearl

John Steinbeck is by far one of my favorite American authors. His characters make me think about life unlike many can. But how do I feel about this statement? I typically see a man's lust for more as something ugly and meaningless. But then what is passion for your work, what is motivation to do better, what is growing up? Is it good to want something more for yourself? Or is it selfish? Is there a line somewhere we must be oh so careful not to cross?

What is that line?

I'm just a introverted, sensing, feeling, judging kind of gal...

2009-08-13T12:36:00.004-05:00

Otherwise known as ISFJ (Introversion, Sensing, Feeling, Judgment).

You are quiet, friendly, responsible, and conscientious. You are committed and steady in meeting your obligations. You are thorough, painstaking, and accurate. You are loyal, considerate, notice and remember specifics about people who are important to you, and concerned with how others feel. You strive to create an orderly and harmonious environment at work and at home. Famous people with your same ISFJ personality include: Former US First Lady Barbara Bush, figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi, Mother Theresa, General Robert E. Lee, and actor Michael Caine.

So yeah, I took the Meyers-Briggs Personality Type facebook app quiz (quite a title, huh?) and this is what they gave me. I feel like it was pretty right on - especially the "remember specifics about people who are important to you." I mean I have a terrible memory in general, but I literally make mental notes in my head when someone I care about mentions a like or a dislike. For example, Allison mentions to me that The Jonas Brothers are the worst band ever. I make a mental note not to get her their CD for her birthday. (And then continue to debate the merits of this adorably talented trio)

I am incredibly honored to be put in the same category as Mother Theresa. And Michael Caine. I'll take that.

Any other ISFJ's out there?

p.s. The Bake Sale is still going on. Order your bread, cookies or brownies today and benefit a worthy cause.

I want to bake you something.

2009-08-12T21:04:00.004-05:00

mmmm......i mean who wouldn't love some freshly baked cookies, or a freshly baked loaf of bread...or maybe some delicious peanut butter chocolate chip brownies?!?

So here's the deal. As most of you know, I work with this amazing organization called Bedouins International. We help other non-profits and humanitarian causes share what they do by giving them media. We go to them, give them photos, videos, a new website - whatever they need to tell their stories.

The next story we are helping to tell is of KISI, or the Kiini Sustainable Initiative. They are this amazing NGO that works to eliminate poverty and empower youth and women in the marginalized communities in Kenya. We want to tell their story.

Here's the thing. I still have to buy a ticket, visas, shots, film, gear etc which comes to an exciting total of $4,200. We are leaving in October.

So here is what I would like to do. I would like to help raise the money for what I think is a very important project. I am good at baking. Hence, I would like to have a Bake Sale. So inventive, I know.

Here is what I can bake (all freshly made from scratch):

Whole Wheat Marble Loaf Bread
Dozen Chocolate Chip Cookies
Dozen Peanut Butter Chip Brownies

I will make something fresh for you, and in return I am asking for a $25 donation to Bedouins International. All proceeds go towards telling this story!

Unfortunately this only applies to Bham peeps, as mailing perishables/meltables does not work so well. I will hand deliver though!!

Comment if you would like to buy, help, donate and feel free to pass along. And for my baker friends - feel free to have your own Bake Sale to benefit this worthy cause!!!

Love you all, Jessi

A Banquala to Empower You

2009-07-30T09:06:00.002-05:00

What is media and why do i care? Media is a force that shapes your understanding of the world around you. Media has the ability to open our eyes to global politics, global injustice, global peace and global celebrations. All around us is media. Call it Fox News, CNN, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube or even mass text messages. Media is everywhere. And guess what? You, my friend, have the power to shape the stories that are told. You're an artist. A storyteller. People listen to you. People are inspired by you. You want to carry influence. You want to change the world. You want to shape the way stories are told. Be the storyteller you desire to be. Come to Woodrow Hall in Birmingham, Ala. on August 1st at 6:30 p.m. and hear how Bedouins International can empower you to be a great storyteller, media shaper and world changer. Go to www.bedouinsinternational.org/banquala/ to find out more.

This was written by the Chairman of the Board for Bedouins. And he really hit the nail on the head with this blog. Each and every person out there has the potential and the power to change something. All it takes is an e-mail, or a blog, or a tweet. I don't want to repeat everything that Jonathan said, but suffice it to say that I agree, and I hope to see you at the Banquala this Saturday. There are so many worthy stories left to be told - Bedouins International can't tell them all. So come learn about the amazing people in this world who are trying to make a difference, and find out how you can help them.

Love,
Jessi

oh you have an amazing idea do you?

2009-07-23T09:13:00.002-05:00

Well, how much money do you have?

GAH!

One thing that has become quite clear in my years (count 'em - 2) in the "real world" is this simple little fact:

Good ideas = Mo monies

It kinda goes like this:

Me: Hello amazing idea! I am so glad I ran into you! Let's hang out and be best friends!
Idea: Oh, hey Jess...yeah I would love to! So how much are you banking right now?
Me: Um, well, not much, I was hoping, you know, that maybe we could be friends for free?
Idea: Oh, yeah I don't really work that way. [fake smile] Sorry!

Once again, Idea breaks my little heart into a million pieces.

another good one from hosea...

2009-07-22T08:32:00.001-05:00

"As marauders lie in ambush for a man, so do bands of priests."

mercy

2009-07-20T08:22:00.004-05:00

I was reading this morning in Hosea and I came across this verse:

"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."

And then I stopped reading. You know how you can read something a million times, but never really see it. Well, this time I saw it, and I became very intrigued with this thing called mercy. This thing that God wants us to do so very much.

I realized that I didn't really know what exactly mercy was. I kept thinking of other words like forgiveness and grace to try and define it, but I didn't think that was right, so I looked it up. The number 1 definition:

Compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power.

The most interesting part to me was the end of the definition - not only is mercy compassion, it is also showing compassion to those against you and those beneath you.

I also found it interesting that when I googled for mercy images the image that most often came up was an image of Jesus. How funny that "Christians" are still using Him as an excuse to kill and condemn. He is the ultimate symbol of compassionate forbearance to those against you and those in your power.

So how about if we truly follow his example, and show some mercy? That is , I believe, what he really wants us to do.

Love, Jessi

i forgot one...

2009-07-08T12:43:00.003-05:00

+ Michael Cera

Thanks Paul!

stephen devries =

2009-07-08T10:57:00.006-05:00

shia lebeouf

+ ray lamontagne

+ david crowder

= stephen devries

RIGHT?!?

media is powerful

2009-07-02T10:38:00.001-05:00

Media is Powerful from Bedouins International on Vimeo.

The first of five promotional teasers for the Bedouins International first annual Banquala, a forum for media production focused on humanitarian programs wordwide.

Join us August 1st for more discussion on media and its worldwide impact, plus good food and live music...check it out HERE

i suck at words.

2009-06-26T11:02:00.004-05:00

did you ever say something so perfectly in your head, but then when it came to saying it out loud it came out a jumbled confusing stuttering mess and you just sounded like a complete jerk?

i hate it when that happens.

Heart Gallery Exhibit tonight!

2009-06-25T11:34:00.002-05:00

Come see and find out more about Alabama's waiting children. They need a permanent, loving family to call their own!

Opening reception is tonight (June 25th) at 5:45pm at the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute (520 16th St N in Birmingham). The portrait exhibit of the children will be in the Woolfolk Gallery and their will be a short program on fostering and adopting in Alabama. And if that doesn't inspire you, there will be free food and wine!

Find out more at Heart Gallery's website .

Hope to see you there!

Love,
Jessi

busy-ness

2009-06-24T13:06:00.003-05:00

my other blog template was too busy for my taste. so i simplified.

and june seems to be wedding month. i'll be working my 5th wedding this month with Stephen DeVries Weddings . woot.

Once I rest I shall be back with a profound thought.

p.s. I gave in to twitter...follow me HERE .

Love,
Jessi

New wedding site!

2009-06-17T09:23:00.003-05:00

Stephen just made his new wedding blog live! Check it out here .

p.s. know anyone who's getting married? cause if so you should forward this to them!!!

:)

this is neat.

2009-06-11T10:31:00.009-05:00

Check out Rainn Wilson's blog on de-lamifying faith, spirtuality and art here: Soul Pancake

This is why I love my job...

2009-06-01T12:00:00.001-05:00

Heart Gallery Alabama Video from Heart Gallery Alabama on Vimeo.

My Wedding Photos!

2009-04-27T13:52:00.005-05:00

not of my wedding of course...these are some shots that I took in the last few months I've worked with Stephen DeVries Photo. hope you like them!

Pirates

2009-04-12T20:46:00.001-05:00

They do exist.

http://topics.cnn.com/topics/pirates

2009-04-10T13:44:00.003-05:00

My friend Tamara showed me this. It is fairly hilarious.

Failblog

Vacation!

2009-04-09T12:14:00.003-05:00

I finally get to see my bestest gal and her husband and her beautiful babies!!!!!! The Davis-Boozers will be in Ft. Lauderdale the first weekend in May and I just booked my tickets to go see them. It may have been slightly impulsive, but I love them so dearly. Plus, I really need a vacation, even if just for a weekend.

Yay for joy!

Where the Wild Things Are hits the big screen!!!

2009-03-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

Pictures!

2009-03-25T18:52:00.004-05:00

This is some film that I finally got developed from LAST summer/fall at the park...

To see all of them click HERE

i want to go to iceland.

2009-03-17T09:57:00.002-05:00

i don't understand a word this guy writes, but i think icelandic horses might be my new favorite animal. stephen, thanks again for showing me something i will never have.

Tomz

you should go to this.

2009-03-13T15:30:00.003-05:00

this is my friend megan.

2009-03-11T09:07:00.005-05:00

and i love her. (isn't she hott?!?)

ok but her beauty is not the only reason i love her. she is crazy (in the most important ways) and she makes want to sing and play when i am with her, and she can write a blog like no other (i mean, check THIS OUT) i love to hear her talk, and i love to read what she writes, and i LOVE to hear her sing. her thoughts are important to me, and i think they should be important to you too. so go say hello to her.

and don't worry, she loves people even when they are stupid, so feel free to be yourself around her.

and that is a little bit of megan. isn't she great?

love love and more love,

jessi

all i can say is wow.

2009-03-05T10:07:00.001-06:00

stephen showed me this. i think i may need it.

The best sleeping bag ever.

Snow!

2009-03-01T15:01:00.004-06:00

So I woke up this morning to what i thought was a very foggy morning. Then I walked to the window and realized that is was snowing! Birmingham became a beautiful winter wonderland, something quite rare for the southeast. It was so great. We went and played in the park and it was blissful.

unexpected tragedy, unexpectedly ok.

2009-02-24T12:30:00.004-06:00

So. My parents house burned down. The house I grew up in, spent my "formative" years in. It is gone. The few things we could salvage fit in a plastic tub. I am with my parents now, helping them clean up and move to their new temporary home.

This kind of thing really takes you by surprise. I saw the house for the first time yesterday, and from the outside everything really looks fine for the most part. But then you walk in and everything you remember is either black, broken or gone all together.

As completely unexpected as it was though, what is even more strange is the fact that I am not falling to pieces. And neither are my parents. It is just stuff really. The hardest part is losing Rudy and Miss Kitty.

Rudy Toot

Miss Kitty (Should have gone by Princess Kitty)

We are going to be ok. We have insurance. We are going to rebuild. It will look different, but it will be home again. And hey, if the insurance comes through like it should, we may even be able to pay off the mortage and be debt free. That would truly be a blessing to my parents.

Thank you so much to all of you who have been praying. We needed a miracle, and I think one is coming.

Love you all so much,
Jessi

I wish I was good at sports.

2009-02-16T08:57:00.003-06:00

Many of you can probably relate (then again a lot of you won't) but it makes me so jealous to see those cute little girls with their cute little stretchy shirts and shorts, goin out for a nice little jog, bein all outdoorsy and such. I wish I was more like that sometimes.

I'll even put on some little shorts and a little shirt and have my go around the block. I mean it looks so fun when those other girls are doing it. And then I start wheezing about four steps into it and wonder how in the world I thought this would be fun.

I've decided this kind of endurance surely starts at a young age. I remember when I was 10 or 11 I could run around all afternoon and it felt great. But then towards 8th grade year things begin to change. I actually remember when it happened for me.

It was 7th grade, I was playing soccer at school during P.E. And I was a total beast. I mean I even had the great Alisha Hamrick scared of me. I so wanted to try out for soccer; I thought I could actually be good at this sport (I had failed miserably at most others). So I asked my friends which if them were trying out. None of them were. Not one. So neither did I.

I stayed in concert band. For the next 6 years. I loved it, but I still regret not trying out for soccer.

FYI Alisha Hamrick was voted MVP for women's soccer when we were in High School. I kept playing my clarinet. I'm pretty sure she got a scholarship of some sort. I haven't touched my clarinet in 7 years.

Let that be a lesson to us all. If you want to try something out, DO IT, or else you may regret it for the rest of your life.

I am ashamed of many things.

2009-02-03T19:52:00.005-06:00

I am ashamed of the way I talked to a homeless man outside of my solid, warm doorway
and cut short not only his words, but his dignity.

I am ashamed of my apparent inability to love outside the lines of my head,
the place that "knows" those who deserve a love given to me for free.

I am ashamed of my brothers who take my baby sisters
and turn them into prostitutes, control freaks and liars.

I am ashamed of my fathers who feel the right to persecute and even hate
the red, yellow, black and brown side of my big beautiful family.

I am ashamed of my co-workers who claim to shout to God,
but rather whisper secrets of so-called truths in the ears of strangers.

I am ashamed of so many things.

But I am not ashamed of You.

I am not ashamed of You who said "Get up! Pick up your mat and WALK!"

So now how do I reconcile this discrepancy between my sorrowful shame and my unabashed love for You?

I will tell you what I will do.

I will give you my shame.

I will give you my brothers' shame and my sisters' shame and my fathers', co-workers', husbands' and daughters' shame.

I will give it all to you. Because you are not like me.

Because with you all things are possible.

With You, the broken are healed, the chained set free, and the dead are resurrected.

And with my shame you will purify, sanctify, rectify and nullify.

So that this thing called shame I once gave to you - well, I can take it back now under a new name.

It shall be called grace.

I tell you the truth -
From this day, I walk not in shame. From this day, I walk in GRACE.

Bedouins T-shirt Drive

2009-02-03T16:06:00.004-06:00

Hello friends. I thought you would like to know that Bedouins International is having t-shirt drive - meaning, for every 5 shirts you send them, they will send you one back screened with the Bedouins logo. Super cool idea, I know.

The other 4 shirts will be sold to raise money for upcoming projects in Kenya, Honduras, Bolivia, and Gauatemala.

You can get the shirts from the thrift store or wherever you want, just make sure thy are in your size.

Send them to 1710 2nd Ave N #501 Birmingham, AL 35203

For more info e-mail me at jessi@bedouinsinternational.org and be sure to keep up with the Bedouins Blog for fun pics and stories!

Thanks!!

i am such a perfectionist

2009-01-31T12:18:00.004-06:00

ok after reading back over that last blog i realize yet again what a perfectionist i am.

yes, we are called to love, but i also know that there is grace when we mess up.

man i need to stop being so serious all of the time.

"and you'll know we are Christians by our love"

2009-01-28T08:21:00.003-06:00

Well, you should. But I mean really, how often do you hear someone say,"Wow that guy was so loving to that homeless person. He must be a Christian!"

Yeah that never happens. I so rarely see Christians acting out in selfless love it's scary. I see judgment and selfishness all the time though. And I am so sick of it. If Christians are followers of Christ, why don't they look like it 99% of the time?

Now there are those few out there that get it, but they are so few.

It is so hard to love like Him. It is so hard to be patient, kind, humble, selfless, understanding, forgiving, protective, trusting, hopeful, and persevering in every action I take and with every person I meet.

But that is how Christians are supposed to love. That is how we are supposed to love everyone.

And how do we know if we are loving the way we are supposed to? Because it never falls short. It never comes to nothing. It never founders or goes amiss. It never breaks down or disappoints.

LOVE NEVER FAILS.

2008-12-11T08:53:00.001-06:00

I’ve been reading 1 John lately. I think it my favorite book of the entire Bible, if such a thing can exist. It has such heart-piercing statements as “Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did” and “No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.” And then the heart-changing statements like “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love” and then “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in Him?”

He challenges us to love others, because if we do not love our brothers, who we can see, touch, hear feel, then how will we ever be able to love God, who we cannot see, touch hear feel (in the typical sense)?

I have realized lately that I suck at loving people. Which is a scary thought, because if I can’t love people how will I ever love God? I have heard it said that to truly love someone you must fully know them. Well then is it ever possible to love God, because I most certainly will never fully know him.

I guess there will have to be more on this later...

let's think about this...

2008-12-01T08:42:00.002-06:00

would the man of your dreams be the man of your dreams if you could actually dream him up?

eh

2008-11-30T14:55:00.004-06:00

I'm having a bit of writer's block these days. Not that I really consider myself a writer, but I certainly feel like I used to write whole heck of a lot about my true thoughts and feelings, what was going on in my life, etc. In fact, this very blog was created as a space for me to get those thoughts down so that I could one day turn them into a book. See:

I even made it look more like a book in Word to try and motivate myself, but I haven't written in that thing in a while...

Nothing seems write-worthy, but I know that's a complete lie because so many things have been goign on in my life. I just haven't been having the kind of revelations I use to have. Or maybe I just don't know how to put them into words anymore. In any case, it's a pity, because I really loved it.

super duper exciting...

2008-11-29T23:45:00.002-06:00

for those of you who loved the Redwall books by Brian Jacques, get excited...

Are you kidding me?

2008-11-28T11:42:00.002-06:00

This is why I am terrified to go shopping on Black Friday...

Surging Shoppers Kill New York Wal-Mart Worker

I mean, things like like this just shouldn't happen. People are crazy when it comes to getting a discount on something. I cannot believe this...