It's one hundred and seventy six days later and I am still living with my parents. This was not the plan kids.
The plan, if you recall, was to move home in December from my whirlwind adventure in New York, get a job, save some money, move into a cute little house, buy a new car, and start my wonderful new single life doing something I love and being stress free.
I still have no money even though I work 50 hours a week. Too much debt. My online vintage shop is going no where, not that I put any time into it...of course it's going no where. The photography thing isn't quite working out either. Also, no time and no money. Oh, and the cabin I was supposed to have built by now? Uh huh. That happened. Have you ever tried to cut down a tree? Have you ever tried to cut down a tree when it's 800 degrees outside? Didn't think so.
The worst part is I don't know how to get out of this place I'm in. I feel so stuck. Sometimes I feel like I have these wonderful dreams but I can't do anything about them. I love being a dreamer, but I hate being a dreamer who can't do. So frustrating.
The worst part is I don't even have the motivation to fix it. How do you find motivation? I mean I know if I work hard enough, I could probably pay off my debt and do all of the things I want to do. Hell, if I had started in January I would probably almost be at that point now.
I've realized that over the last 3 or 4 years I've always had someone holding me up, and I think I've grown so used to that that I don't know how to be independent anymore. Well, not really independent...more like I don't know how to push myself anymore. I just sit idly by and watch my life go on while nothing changes (well, except I look older. Awesome). I was so craving rest, but I think I've taken it too far. I've become lazy. And laziness will kill your soul methinks.
Where did the hard worker in me go? Was she killed by disappointment? Heartbreak? Finding out there was no Santa Claus? (Those are really all the same I guess.) It seems the most valuable thing I've learned this year is that if you lower your expectations you'll never be disappointed. People can only hurt you if you give them the power to, and that includes yourself. I used to expect so much out of myself. Make straight A's so I could be valedictorian, get into college and graduate Summa Cum Laude while building my impressive resume, which was really just for my prideful self cause all I really wanted was to find the love of my life and have beautiful babies until my ovaries dried up. Everything was going fine until the love part. That's where I lost my control.
And where I decided to stop caring I guess. Except I do care. I think I established that.It just sucks sometimes. I miss my naive optimistic hardworking self. Who believed there was something out there worth hoping for.
I mean she's still in there. It's just been harder to be her lately. That's all I'm sayin.