Please, one more person tell me about your high expectations for me. While your at it, please shoot me in the face.
You know what? I have no life goals. None. At least not right now. So please don't tell me how great I am, and what good I am going to do in this world, and what a wonderful person I am. It is just too much pressure. And I will fail. And I don't want to fail. Because I want to make you proud. I want everyone to like me, and I want everyone to be proud of me. And again, that is a lot of pressure.
I put on this whole thing about how I don't care what people think of me, but it just isn't true. It's not. I want you to like me. All of you. And when I tell you I don't care, it is a lie. I care a lot. And I try really hard. Like, really hard. To be good, to be pretty, to be like-able. To be happy. And when you have to try that hard, it makes you wonder if you really are those things.
And I don't want to have to wonder. Sweet Jesus, I am so tired of wondering all.the.time. What the hell am I doing here? I have done nothing. And I have nothing to do. Nothing to do and nothing to say. I am completely useless. I mean I know that isn't true, I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself or anything. But really, what am I doing? I work at the mall and I play with chickens at my parents' house. And watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager, which is a terrible show by the way, don't watch it. Ever. (I've watched 5 seasons of it - I would say I want those 60 hours of my life back, but I mean, what was I doing with my life anyway that would be any better?)
I had a plan. But then I shot it to hell. I mean it obviously wasn't the plan for me, so I guess that's ok. But I've never not had a plan before. I've had a plan since I was in kindergarten. WHO SAID MY PLAN WAS NOT GOING TO WORK? Cause I sure did not. It was supposed to work. I really really wanted it to work. I don't know how to do this thing without a plan. I feel like I'm not getting anything done. I have no list of things to do, nothing to check off to feel accomplished. And no motivation to make another list. I just want to live life, but then I bitch about the way I'm living. I am so annoying. I can barely handle being around myself these days.
Maybe someone really should shoot me in the face. Ha. That was a joke.
Ok. Enough. So how was your day?